labelleizzy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
labelleizzy) wrote2011-01-26 03:38 pm
labelleizzy) wrote2011-01-26 03:38 pm
Entry tags:
thinky thoughts about The Five Love Languages
It's a short little book, The Five Love Languages, but it makes a lot of sense.
People speak different love languages.
The examples Chapman uses are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift-giving (or receiving), and Quality Time. If you and your lover speak different "languages", you are going to have a difficult time getting your needs met: as time goes on and you aren't feeling loved, even if your lover is making an effort, you become increasingly frustrated and feel empty and unloved.
You get a gimme at first when you fall in love: love relationships when they begin have a "honeymoon period". However, you can only fly so far on Limerence, aka the in-love feeling, aka NRE. Limerence lasts for a finite time... after that, well, your jet fuel starts to run out, if you don't mind the metaphor.
You can fill your tank with The Good Stuff by finding (or properly training!) a partner on how to Speak YOUR Love Language. If they can't speak your Love Language, it doesn't fill your emotional tank. They might give you kerosene when you need gasoline, or water when you need oil. They're trying, they made an effort, they want credit, but if it's a language you don't speak, or a fuel you're unable to use?
Discord. Emotional malnourishment. Perhaps Drama, or a breakup of a perfectly workable relationship.
It's not as simple as learning another language either. If, like me, you grew up in a household where nobody touched anybody, you might take a long time to realize that Physical Touch is one of your languages. Childhood trains us in SO MANY ways with what is ok and not ok, what is usually rewarding versus what almost always disappoints.
Let's use "Gift Giving and Receiving" as a starting point for the discussion.
For example, I love getting *thoughtful*, surprising gifts... though only occasionally. I don't want lots of "stuff", I struggle with inherited packrat-itis... Jeff generally doesn't enjoy gift giving OR receiving, his childhood was full of disappointments in that realm (mine was too.). So he rarely gives physical gifts, or at least not at traditional occasions, though he is incredibly generous in many other ways. He doesn't expect gifts either, even actively discourages people giving them to him (he and I both have "stuff-itis"). In contrast, T.R. has a pleasant habit of carefully selected occasional gifts: I love my last two birthday presents from him and use them regularly, if not daily. T.R. will also make note of times when I say, "I could really use X"... last night I was working with a gorgeous book on Norse Mythology I'd checked out of the library... he put it on his Amazon app and ordered it. *boggle* Just cos I said so! But at least part of the time, I think that T.R.'s "Gift-giving" is really "Acts of Service". I almost "hear" him "say", Let Me Do This Thing for You.(*) I believe that one of T.R.'s main Love Language is really Acts of Service.
My mother OTOH, definitely is big on Gifts. This year she did a remarkably good job at selecting gifts I would enjoy, because I gave her information about the kind of art I've been doing and wanted to continue with. Plus she remembered I love roses and colors in the fuchsia range, and scored further points with Rose Oil from her trip to Bulgaria and a gorgeous pashmina shawl for me. Mom is not a huge Toucher, nor is she great with Words of Affirmation. She definitely appreciates Quality Time, ("are you going to come visit me?") and particularly expresses love with Acts of Service: see, Mom HATES Bingo, but her best friend Vicki runs the local Bingo Tuesday. While Vicki was struggling with her own mother's decline in health and recent death, Mom committed to run Bingo Night for the rest of the seniors in the senior community where Vicki and she both live. When I help her with her computer problems and explain things patiently for her and write down the computer shortcuts so she can make more connections with friends and extended family, I know she appreciates that I took the time and made the effort, and I'm pretty sure that makes her feel loved.
Physical Touch, on the (next) other hand, is HUGE for Jeff (and, for ME). Hugs, snuggles, smooches, pets, pats and handholding are so common in our relationship that I realized (after taking the Five Love Languages test WARNING: tests are very cisgendered, assume heteronormativity and traditional monogamous relationships) that I TOTALLY take Physical Touch for granted! Then I remembered being 20 and having just broken up with a long term boyfriend and how my skin was tingling and hypersensitive and aching... all the time... rubbing my hands one against each other was a revelation of my own hunger, skin-hunger. (Goddess bless the friend who introduced me to that term, so many years ago!) My "emotional tank" for Physical Touch is filled to overflowing these days, and I know I am very very lucky to have that need met so well and so frequently.
My exhusband, Josh, wasn't much for touch, it frankly made him uncomfortable to cuddle. There was also the question of *type* of touch; he would do x, I would ask for y, ... and generally he would continue to do X. This frequently left me skin-hungry, frustrated, and feeling disrespected. =( He would buy me gifts, but gifts that weren't really appropriate for *me*; I frequently made gifts for him, but didn't usually feel he appreciated my effort. I assume his choices were made based on things he thought would impress me or others, but I really have no idea. I was making him things in the spirit of the Golden Rule: that was what I would have wanted. We split up, the same way Dr. Chapman describes in his book, with both of us feeling unloved and malnourished. (**) I suspect Josh was trained in childhood that Gifts were What Was Done, but that perhaps that was not his real Language of Love. Perhaps he didn't KNOW his own authentic Love Languages, and I suspect that's why his gestures rang false to me.
=888=
Long Story Short:
My Love Languages, in order, seem to be:
1st: Acts of Service (Will you do something for me, or with me? Can I do something with you, or for you?)
2nd: Physical Touch (Hug me, cuddle me, sit near to me so our feet or knees touch)
3rd: Words of Affirmation (Tell me you love me, that I'm pretty, that I'm doing good work or that you're proud of me)
"Gifts" got a ZERO score from me on both versions of the test I took. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate thoughtful gifts: I have a Scarf Lynn Leonard made for me, that I *love* and adore, an embroidery sample from Betty Pugh on my wall (both older lady co-workers in schools, both birthday presents, and both made for me, personalized with me in mind, so maybe even more Act of Service than Gift?), the easel, paints, brushes, scarf, and rose fragrance from Mom, the quilt T.R. bought for my 40th birthday, and others. I enjoy giving gifts to people sometimes too... I made a point for the first time in years to get presents for my immediate family and Jeff's too, and that felt good.
HOWEVER.
*grinning*
I *loved* that Lance and Joanne came over to help decorate my christmas tree this year. I *loved* helping R and TR with paperwork, hosting Paula as well, and feeding everyone into the bargain. I *loved* my Mad Hatter Tea Party a couple years ago, the clothing swap that I hosted in my bitty little place in Pleasant Hill, and I have warm, loving feelings toward all the people who have EVER helped me move house, and that's a LOT of people. I *loved* baking shortbread for last year's Waldorf assembly and I *loved* that so many people came to tell me that they loved my baking! Then, too, the compliment from Dorit on my work in our eurythmy performance will nestle in my heart forever... *bask*
Knowing I am appreciated in many ways, by many different people, makes me feel loved. Acts of Service, and Quality Time, Words AND Touch.
=888=
I keep house as an Act of Service. Service to Hestia and to my household, and to my own peace of mind, since I now know how much better I think, work, and accomplish things when my house is tidy and clean. Laundry and cleaning the sinks or toilets is an Act of Service, for myself and for my housemates. I love when someone helps me load or unload the dishwasher, clear the sink, take out the trash or recycling, or when someone helps me with my homework.
I appreciate when someone listens to me, speaks lovingly to me, gives me a sincere compliment. I love the reaction I get from giving sincere compliments and praise and positive feedback. Knowing someone is willing to exert themselves enough to calendar time to see me and keep that commitment, is a combination of Act of Service and Words of Affirmation. Of course once I *see* the friend, there is also Physical Touch, because I am a BIG hugger. =D
I like being in proximity with people I love and trust. I have a very close "comfort distance" with people I love and trust, and will frequently lean on them or link arms or hug or hold hands or sit close to them. If I keep a pretty wide physical distance when talking to someone in person, it generally means I don't feel close to them. (literally! ha ha)
=888=
I feel respected and loved when I am noticed with words. (Jenna, one of the 7th graders from my practicum class, noticed and said she loved my new boots which I wore today (yes, those boots.)) Hee! I heard from one of the Waldorf parents during my practicum that her daughter said my lessons were fun and that she was learning good things. *swoon!*
I feel respected and loved when someone I care about helps me with a task or does something for me. The other day TR and Diana were at Orchard Supply and they called to ask me if I needed anything, then brought me a bag of soil so I could repot some plants. *squee* They a) Heard my Words and b) Did Something that helped me with a Task! super yay! Jeff vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE after we got the new vacuum. It took him 4 hours because we hadn't vacuumed in almost a year. MEGA yay, and super bonus brownie points!
I feel respected and loved when I receive the kind of touch I crave: sometimes gentle and loving, sometimes tempestuous and passionate. I express love and caring attention by trying to pay attention to how and whether people I care about, like to be touched. At work, I use gentle, respectful touch to get my point across and to build relationships with students - a pat on the back for encouragement, a touch on the hand or shoulder to draw attention. I noticed the same kind of behavior in the teacher whose class I worked for today (I have GOT to find an alternative to the term "subbing"... ack. I AM a teacher, I'm not a substitute for a teacher. I'm just a *different* teacher than the class's usual teacher... okay, </ soapbox>... I like "guest teacher" and will try to be consistent in using that.). As a teacher, you have to be the Alpha Wolf, and you can accomplish some of that dominance in a quiet and affectionate way with touch.
I get a high from dancing with people... Act of Service (doing something I love with me) AND Physical Touch! Woo-Hoo! (Again, why am I NOT doing this more OFTEN?!?!?)
=888=
I would challenge everyone who has had "communication difficulties" in a relationship, to familiarize yourself with the concept of Love Languages, learn your own, and try to figure out what the other person's may be.
Might very well be that EVERYONE could have a full Emotional Fuel Tank... and then we could ALL fly!
What fills your tank with the right fuel?
What fills THEIR tank with the right fuel?
Are you willing to do what it takes for the person you love to have a full tank, even if it doesn't come naturally to you?
Learn how to fly. Learn how to fill your tank, so you can fly, and so you can help others to fly.
People speak different love languages.
The examples Chapman uses are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift-giving (or receiving), and Quality Time. If you and your lover speak different "languages", you are going to have a difficult time getting your needs met: as time goes on and you aren't feeling loved, even if your lover is making an effort, you become increasingly frustrated and feel empty and unloved.
You get a gimme at first when you fall in love: love relationships when they begin have a "honeymoon period". However, you can only fly so far on Limerence, aka the in-love feeling, aka NRE. Limerence lasts for a finite time... after that, well, your jet fuel starts to run out, if you don't mind the metaphor.
You can fill your tank with The Good Stuff by finding (or properly training!) a partner on how to Speak YOUR Love Language. If they can't speak your Love Language, it doesn't fill your emotional tank. They might give you kerosene when you need gasoline, or water when you need oil. They're trying, they made an effort, they want credit, but if it's a language you don't speak, or a fuel you're unable to use?
Discord. Emotional malnourishment. Perhaps Drama, or a breakup of a perfectly workable relationship.
It's not as simple as learning another language either. If, like me, you grew up in a household where nobody touched anybody, you might take a long time to realize that Physical Touch is one of your languages. Childhood trains us in SO MANY ways with what is ok and not ok, what is usually rewarding versus what almost always disappoints.
Let's use "Gift Giving and Receiving" as a starting point for the discussion.
For example, I love getting *thoughtful*, surprising gifts... though only occasionally. I don't want lots of "stuff", I struggle with inherited packrat-itis... Jeff generally doesn't enjoy gift giving OR receiving, his childhood was full of disappointments in that realm (mine was too.). So he rarely gives physical gifts, or at least not at traditional occasions, though he is incredibly generous in many other ways. He doesn't expect gifts either, even actively discourages people giving them to him (he and I both have "stuff-itis"). In contrast, T.R. has a pleasant habit of carefully selected occasional gifts: I love my last two birthday presents from him and use them regularly, if not daily. T.R. will also make note of times when I say, "I could really use X"... last night I was working with a gorgeous book on Norse Mythology I'd checked out of the library... he put it on his Amazon app and ordered it. *boggle* Just cos I said so! But at least part of the time, I think that T.R.'s "Gift-giving" is really "Acts of Service". I almost "hear" him "say", Let Me Do This Thing for You.(*) I believe that one of T.R.'s main Love Language is really Acts of Service.
My mother OTOH, definitely is big on Gifts. This year she did a remarkably good job at selecting gifts I would enjoy, because I gave her information about the kind of art I've been doing and wanted to continue with. Plus she remembered I love roses and colors in the fuchsia range, and scored further points with Rose Oil from her trip to Bulgaria and a gorgeous pashmina shawl for me. Mom is not a huge Toucher, nor is she great with Words of Affirmation. She definitely appreciates Quality Time, ("are you going to come visit me?") and particularly expresses love with Acts of Service: see, Mom HATES Bingo, but her best friend Vicki runs the local Bingo Tuesday. While Vicki was struggling with her own mother's decline in health and recent death, Mom committed to run Bingo Night for the rest of the seniors in the senior community where Vicki and she both live. When I help her with her computer problems and explain things patiently for her and write down the computer shortcuts so she can make more connections with friends and extended family, I know she appreciates that I took the time and made the effort, and I'm pretty sure that makes her feel loved.
Physical Touch, on the (next) other hand, is HUGE for Jeff (and, for ME). Hugs, snuggles, smooches, pets, pats and handholding are so common in our relationship that I realized (after taking the Five Love Languages test WARNING: tests are very cisgendered, assume heteronormativity and traditional monogamous relationships) that I TOTALLY take Physical Touch for granted! Then I remembered being 20 and having just broken up with a long term boyfriend and how my skin was tingling and hypersensitive and aching... all the time... rubbing my hands one against each other was a revelation of my own hunger, skin-hunger. (Goddess bless the friend who introduced me to that term, so many years ago!) My "emotional tank" for Physical Touch is filled to overflowing these days, and I know I am very very lucky to have that need met so well and so frequently.
My exhusband, Josh, wasn't much for touch, it frankly made him uncomfortable to cuddle. There was also the question of *type* of touch; he would do x, I would ask for y, ... and generally he would continue to do X. This frequently left me skin-hungry, frustrated, and feeling disrespected. =( He would buy me gifts, but gifts that weren't really appropriate for *me*; I frequently made gifts for him, but didn't usually feel he appreciated my effort. I assume his choices were made based on things he thought would impress me or others, but I really have no idea. I was making him things in the spirit of the Golden Rule: that was what I would have wanted. We split up, the same way Dr. Chapman describes in his book, with both of us feeling unloved and malnourished. (**) I suspect Josh was trained in childhood that Gifts were What Was Done, but that perhaps that was not his real Language of Love. Perhaps he didn't KNOW his own authentic Love Languages, and I suspect that's why his gestures rang false to me.
=888=
Long Story Short:
My Love Languages, in order, seem to be:
1st: Acts of Service (Will you do something for me, or with me? Can I do something with you, or for you?)
2nd: Physical Touch (Hug me, cuddle me, sit near to me so our feet or knees touch)
3rd: Words of Affirmation (Tell me you love me, that I'm pretty, that I'm doing good work or that you're proud of me)
"Gifts" got a ZERO score from me on both versions of the test I took. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate thoughtful gifts: I have a Scarf Lynn Leonard made for me, that I *love* and adore, an embroidery sample from Betty Pugh on my wall (both older lady co-workers in schools, both birthday presents, and both made for me, personalized with me in mind, so maybe even more Act of Service than Gift?), the easel, paints, brushes, scarf, and rose fragrance from Mom, the quilt T.R. bought for my 40th birthday, and others. I enjoy giving gifts to people sometimes too... I made a point for the first time in years to get presents for my immediate family and Jeff's too, and that felt good.
HOWEVER.
*grinning*
I *loved* that Lance and Joanne came over to help decorate my christmas tree this year. I *loved* helping R and TR with paperwork, hosting Paula as well, and feeding everyone into the bargain. I *loved* my Mad Hatter Tea Party a couple years ago, the clothing swap that I hosted in my bitty little place in Pleasant Hill, and I have warm, loving feelings toward all the people who have EVER helped me move house, and that's a LOT of people. I *loved* baking shortbread for last year's Waldorf assembly and I *loved* that so many people came to tell me that they loved my baking! Then, too, the compliment from Dorit on my work in our eurythmy performance will nestle in my heart forever... *bask*
Knowing I am appreciated in many ways, by many different people, makes me feel loved. Acts of Service, and Quality Time, Words AND Touch.
=888=
I keep house as an Act of Service. Service to Hestia and to my household, and to my own peace of mind, since I now know how much better I think, work, and accomplish things when my house is tidy and clean. Laundry and cleaning the sinks or toilets is an Act of Service, for myself and for my housemates. I love when someone helps me load or unload the dishwasher, clear the sink, take out the trash or recycling, or when someone helps me with my homework.
I appreciate when someone listens to me, speaks lovingly to me, gives me a sincere compliment. I love the reaction I get from giving sincere compliments and praise and positive feedback. Knowing someone is willing to exert themselves enough to calendar time to see me and keep that commitment, is a combination of Act of Service and Words of Affirmation. Of course once I *see* the friend, there is also Physical Touch, because I am a BIG hugger. =D
I like being in proximity with people I love and trust. I have a very close "comfort distance" with people I love and trust, and will frequently lean on them or link arms or hug or hold hands or sit close to them. If I keep a pretty wide physical distance when talking to someone in person, it generally means I don't feel close to them. (literally! ha ha)
=888=
I feel respected and loved when I am noticed with words. (Jenna, one of the 7th graders from my practicum class, noticed and said she loved my new boots which I wore today (yes, those boots.)) Hee! I heard from one of the Waldorf parents during my practicum that her daughter said my lessons were fun and that she was learning good things. *swoon!*
I feel respected and loved when someone I care about helps me with a task or does something for me. The other day TR and Diana were at Orchard Supply and they called to ask me if I needed anything, then brought me a bag of soil so I could repot some plants. *squee* They a) Heard my Words and b) Did Something that helped me with a Task! super yay! Jeff vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE after we got the new vacuum. It took him 4 hours because we hadn't vacuumed in almost a year. MEGA yay, and super bonus brownie points!
I feel respected and loved when I receive the kind of touch I crave: sometimes gentle and loving, sometimes tempestuous and passionate. I express love and caring attention by trying to pay attention to how and whether people I care about, like to be touched. At work, I use gentle, respectful touch to get my point across and to build relationships with students - a pat on the back for encouragement, a touch on the hand or shoulder to draw attention. I noticed the same kind of behavior in the teacher whose class I worked for today (I have GOT to find an alternative to the term "subbing"... ack. I AM a teacher, I'm not a substitute for a teacher. I'm just a *different* teacher than the class's usual teacher... okay, </ soapbox>... I like "guest teacher" and will try to be consistent in using that.). As a teacher, you have to be the Alpha Wolf, and you can accomplish some of that dominance in a quiet and affectionate way with touch.
I get a high from dancing with people... Act of Service (doing something I love with me) AND Physical Touch! Woo-Hoo! (Again, why am I NOT doing this more OFTEN?!?!?)
=888=
I would challenge everyone who has had "communication difficulties" in a relationship, to familiarize yourself with the concept of Love Languages, learn your own, and try to figure out what the other person's may be.
Might very well be that EVERYONE could have a full Emotional Fuel Tank... and then we could ALL fly!
What fills your tank with the right fuel?
What fills THEIR tank with the right fuel?
Are you willing to do what it takes for the person you love to have a full tank, even if it doesn't come naturally to you?
Learn how to fly. Learn how to fill your tank, so you can fly, and so you can help others to fly.