![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
too many things to think about!
had a good therapy session today, largely because I've had a good socially nourishing four days, from Christmas eve through today. Something interesting to do with some interesting people, usually revolving around food. =)
so since i realized i was feeling pretty stable and secure and mostly happy i decided today's session could be spent mucking about in the shit that still needs cleaned up in my heart. Sometimes all you can do is stir up the stuff and see what rises to the surface, and some of that did happen.
we talked awhile about trust and not feeling trust and or not having trust from others. about the relationship between feeling trust and feeling desire or feeling desired. about feeling needed versus being wanted and how that felt and especially in relation to sex, to trusting a partner, ... and I have a lot of ARGH about the whole mess of it.
couple weeks ago ... no, couple months ago, I had dinner with people i knew back in high school. the asshole that bullied me got mentioned in passing and I realized I had unresolved issues aka unshoveled bullshit around everything that had happened, that year that I turned 17.
and in part, no wonder I'm fucked up about trust and relationships still, even after all this work, between my father and his family... and some other shit that came down from my mom's family, and then that bible-toting jackhole from high school.
FURIOUS
and i just need to sit with being furious, because i cycle between furious, numb, accepting/okay with where I am now, furious with THE WHOLE WORLD and all the misogyny and sexism and rape culture
but i can't live there. but now i know why i got so good at stuffing things (my feelings) in boxes (in my head) in order to function. MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
So yeah. Trust and desire. Betrayal and trust. And how do you heal from Betrayal and ever get back to being able to trust someone new.
Easiest thing is to ... not trust anyone new. But if I don't stretch and grow, I cling to who I already know, and figure on that being suffocating.
and I'm torn between how to get what I need and want (feeling desired and desirable, and the kind of sensual touch I'm pretty well starved for) past the impediment of all my not-trusting having-been-hurt-before.
I suppose this is nothing new under the sun.
Still it is my journey, and I'm trying. Trying to figure out how to process my pain, be brave, and learn to ask for what i need in ways that mean I might eventually get what I need, and even what I want.
I need to remember more often that bleeding off words and feelings helps my heart be less heavy, and helps me see the possibility of hope.
had a good therapy session today, largely because I've had a good socially nourishing four days, from Christmas eve through today. Something interesting to do with some interesting people, usually revolving around food. =)
so since i realized i was feeling pretty stable and secure and mostly happy i decided today's session could be spent mucking about in the shit that still needs cleaned up in my heart. Sometimes all you can do is stir up the stuff and see what rises to the surface, and some of that did happen.
we talked awhile about trust and not feeling trust and or not having trust from others. about the relationship between feeling trust and feeling desire or feeling desired. about feeling needed versus being wanted and how that felt and especially in relation to sex, to trusting a partner, ... and I have a lot of ARGH about the whole mess of it.
couple weeks ago ... no, couple months ago, I had dinner with people i knew back in high school. the asshole that bullied me got mentioned in passing and I realized I had unresolved issues aka unshoveled bullshit around everything that had happened, that year that I turned 17.
and in part, no wonder I'm fucked up about trust and relationships still, even after all this work, between my father and his family... and some other shit that came down from my mom's family, and then that bible-toting jackhole from high school.
FURIOUS
and i just need to sit with being furious, because i cycle between furious, numb, accepting/okay with where I am now, furious with THE WHOLE WORLD and all the misogyny and sexism and rape culture
but i can't live there. but now i know why i got so good at stuffing things (my feelings) in boxes (in my head) in order to function. MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
So yeah. Trust and desire. Betrayal and trust. And how do you heal from Betrayal and ever get back to being able to trust someone new.
Easiest thing is to ... not trust anyone new. But if I don't stretch and grow, I cling to who I already know, and figure on that being suffocating.
and I'm torn between how to get what I need and want (feeling desired and desirable, and the kind of sensual touch I'm pretty well starved for) past the impediment of all my not-trusting having-been-hurt-before.
I suppose this is nothing new under the sun.
Still it is my journey, and I'm trying. Trying to figure out how to process my pain, be brave, and learn to ask for what i need in ways that mean I might eventually get what I need, and even what I want.
I need to remember more often that bleeding off words and feelings helps my heart be less heavy, and helps me see the possibility of hope.