The lowest I had ever sunk... (shameful confessions)

[labelleizzy]

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
*wince*

I didn't have what I would have thought of as a "happy childhood". Suffice it to say that there was enough pain in my life that I chose to live almost entirely in books from a very early age. Also I think it's fair to say that I had a lot of difficulty making friends even under the best of circumstances. The neighborhood kids and I didn't get along, and where I'm what we now call "geek", they were all what we'd call "jocks". Family dynamics at home weren't "nourishing", and I spent almost all the time I wasn't in school, alone. That didn't change till junior high, when I finally found a safe place to make friends of my own, friends that my sister didn't know about and couldn't mercilessly tease me about.

It will be a surprise to no one that I was regularly bullied almost every day in junior high school.

So, I was humongously awkward. An ugly duckling in so very many ways, lacking in social skills and without confidence to make proper conversation with new people (which was *everyone*) at my new high school.

Somehow, eventually, I did find a few people who warmed up to me, starting with one friend who'd just moved into town and didn't know anyone else, and gradually getting to know some people I'd known slightly in junior high. I still had huge amounts of anxiety around social interactions. Thinking of my freshman year in high school is enough to bring the memory of metallic-tasting panic to the back of my throat, even twenty-five thirty years later.

(God, this is difficult to write.)

There was this small group of what I would now call geeky guys. Robert, Mark, and Erik.

My lack of experience in any kind of social interaction, my extreme anxiety (that I was fighting to overcome on a daily basis), and the, well, let's face it, neglectful home environment, all meant that it was easy for me to mistake attention of any kind for positive attention. My sister and I were used to hitting, punching, hair pulling and scratching each other on a regular basis; my dad was either emotionally distant, physically not there, or verbally abusive; Mom had her hands full juggling the whole household and a full-time job, and my brother was just a kid, four years younger than me...

Any kind of attention, really, was a novelty, and nothing I was used to at thirteen. (I was really just thirteen when I did this. Someday maybe I can forgive myself.)

These geeky guys began to pay me attention. It felt ... familiar. Trading verbal barbs and sarcastic jabs, was second nature. It was how we talked at home.
It did eventually get to be mean, moved from notes in lockers to them learning my combination and leaving things for me. Once a pile of brown apple cores. Once, actually, a dead bird. *shudder* (If I knew then what I know now...I would have done some things differently.)

Once, I returned to my locker, and my books were neatly piled as though on a bookshelf, upright. Which I knew full well was not how I had left them... With a sinking feeling of dread, I noticed wet white glue, and sawdust, all over the bottom of my locker. I guess I was lucky to have found it all before the glue dried and set, in retrospect.
(In retrospect, I now feel a blazing and righteous anger at Robert, the boy who I knew even then was the ringleader.)

At this distance, I've no idea what the chronology of events was, where in the school year these different things fell. I distinctly remember, however, that it was a hot day on the afternoon I missed the school bus home and realized I had to walk four miles home with a heavy backpack and crappy shoes.

I had had a rotten day to begin with and missing the bus felt like the cherry on top of a shit sundae.
This was in the early 80's, before anyone thought to carry a water bottle around with them regularly, and it didn't take long walking in those crappy shoes under the Sacramento late spring/early summer sunlight before I was hot, sweaty, thirsty, and even MORE cranky than I had started out.

I was turtling HARD. Head down, armor up, not noticing the world around me, stewing in my own misery, when someone goes by on a bike.
... and turns around, and heads back towards me, panting.

Pulling somewhat out of my turtle shell, I glance up.
It's Erik. Little blond dude on a bike. He's sweating. I wish *I* had a bike. I'd be home already instead of only halfway home.

He says, "Here!" and holds out a water bottle. There's beads of condensation on the sides, it's obviously nice and cold, it's everything I wish I could have but I have learned that NOBODY does nice things for me, period, unless they're going to snatch it away and yell "PSYCHE!" afterwards.

Something COLD and MEAN shifts in my chest.

I question his motives to his face. I say mean things about the water bottle even, that it's probably dirty. Wide-eyed, he stammers something about he just bought it at the gas station when he saw me walking home and thought I looked hot and thirsty. (He wasn't wrong.) The MEAN in me doesn't let up, and I think I say something about he probably already drank from it and he probably has herpes and as it leaves my mouth just as MEAN as I can make it, the MEAN in me shifts, twists and oozes away, leaving a horror in my soul. Did I actually SAY that?

His face slams shut. His eyes get dark, his jaw juts out, he jams the bottle (delicious cool bottle, that I wanted so much, I want now to say "yes, please", I want to erase the last ten minutes SO BADLY) back in his backpack, wheels his bike around and rides off.
.
.
.
Erik never spoke to me again.
There are things for which there is no apology possible.

And that is the lowest I have ever sunk. That is the person I have striven to make amends for, *shakes head* with basically my entire life.
One single moment of intentional, focused cruelty in a time of my own soul's pain.

I was in the gutter for so long. It took me many years to be able to know that there even WERE stars, much less figure out how to see them.

I'm sorry, Erik. I wish I could have seen your kindness for what it was, instead of what I expected.



This has been my entry for therealljidol, Last Chance Idol, week 3. The prompt is "We are all in the gutter."

You can read my colleagues in Last Chance Idol, and vote for me (and some of the other wonderful writers there), HERE.

Comments

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

IF that's the worst thing you've ever done, I think maybe you're not allowing yourself to be human.

I'm not saying it was nice, 'cause it wasn't. But to say it wasn't understandable after the day you had and reaching the breaking point would be pretty inaccurate.

Yes, be sorry you lashed out, but show yourself a little compassion, too.

[witches.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry this happened :( *hugs*

[jadefalcon01.livejournal.com]

I envy you not the guilt, but that this is what torments you. Would that the demons that hounded me had that much less to hold over my head...

*hugs*

[phantomdancer.livejournal.com]

Thank you for having the courage to say this. I know it couldn't have been easy.

[ashmedai.livejournal.com]

I think we all reach a point where we snap, and take out our aggression and frustration on someone else. As the saying goes, it's human. Sometimes it's the "small" things that continue to haunt us, though, and maybe in the end, they teach us to do better in the future.

[naurwen.livejournal.com]

what everyone's said already...
even though this wasn't pretty, it was human. the good thing about it? that you realized what you were doing and that you actually *weren't* enjoying it then, but realized it was wrong.
I can see though how something like this can haunt you for a long, long time. Because it hit home so deeply and the feeling stayed so strong. maybe it needs an act of forgiving yourself instead of thinking how to make amends. because it IS in the past and you can't change the past. but you can always be the better person now. doesn't change the situation, but yes, you *are* allowed to move on and forgive yourself.

my thoughts... :)

[maestrodog.livejournal.com]

I was standoffish and isolated most of the time as a middle school kid, because that's what I thought was "cool" to do...I saw the other kids doing the same, so figured I'd be as good as them if I acted like them. Of course, it didn't work that way. But as a rule, teens do stupid and mean things sometimes. Heck, ADULTS do that too. What counts is that you obviously learned from your experience and won't be making the same mistake again.

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

I agree with what's been already said - I think we all reach a point where we snap, and take out our aggression and frustration on someone else. I can see how something like this can haunt you for a long, long time. I do hope you manage to forgive yourself. x

[mac-arthur-park.livejournal.com]

Hard to read, but well done.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

What would you say to a scared, mistreated, bullied kid who related this story to you? Whatever you would say to her, say it to yourself.

Easier said than done, of course. We hold oursleves to standards much higher than we hold other mere mortals.

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

That is so sad that you were so miserable that you reacted that way out of fear and distrust, and such a long history of abuse that you couldn't imagine an act without it. I hope you've stopped beating yourself up for it, though. Your circumstances may not make your choices in this situation acceptable, but it does make them understandable, and I do hope you see that now for what it is. All things considered, if this is the worst thing you've ever done, I'd say you're a better human being than most of us.

[uncawes.livejournal.com]

Everyone does things they wish, in hindsight, they hadn't.
It took a lot of guts to post this, it's been eating at you for a long time.
If you can't find Erik, after all these years, to apologise, can you try to forgive yourself?
Sometimes, forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

This was really well written, and hard to read-- for all the same reasons as it was hard to live through.

I'm sure even now you'd like to smack all the bullies you've ever met, almost as much as you wish you could undo what happened with Erik. I'm so sorry you went through this. :(

[muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com]

You did a great job telling what was obviously a deeply personal story, including how Erik reacted to your comment. Very well done.

Oh, and I love your "personal cartography" tag. :)

Dan

[ellison.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed reading this. It always feels like a privelege to be allowed to see someone's vulnerability through writing. Thanks for allowing us that. I think it's these very human moments that allow us all to relate to one another, too. My home was a bit weird growing up, great in many ways, weirdly dysfunctional in others... Anyway, I remember lashing out at classmates a couple times similar to this. I made them both cry. One was in second grade and one was in 8th grade. One terrible time was when I told my younger brother I wanted to sit next to our uncle at dinner, and my brother forgot and sat next to him instead. I made him feel so bad and when he very sincerely apologized to me, I said, "I will NEVER forgive you." It must sound dumb or silly to others, but it was just part of a larger story of me regularly being way too short with him, and just MEAN to him a lot of the time. He never deserved that and I honestly have no idea why I was so horrible to him sometimes. That one moment lingers in my mind as a powerful lesson in others' sensitivity, the power of words and tone of voice, and how easy it really can be to hurt people, and how awful that is!

Your story speaks to your frame of mind and how sad it is that you couldn't trust a kindness because of all the terrible things you'd already been shown from others. It's important to reflect on these things and forgive ourselves. It's interesting seeing the pieces that shape us, the small moments in time that can be so poignant, you know? Well done. :)

[fushia-darkness.livejournal.com]

I think your reaction was very human. The whole situation is very sad, but I wouldn't blame you for a second given the background you have. I can relate so much to your story, I've gone through similar things. The fact that this still haunts you only shows what a big heart you have and what a compassionate person you are. *big hugs*

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you were so horrifically abused. That's awful.

From where I sit, you've nothing to apologize for or feel guilt for. The walking shitstains who tortured you like this do. And so do the teachers who turned a willfully blind eye to all of that.

Bullied myself my entire childhood at home and at school. And possessing zero tolerance for bullying when I see it happen.

I'm sorry you put blame on yourself for being human and pushed beyond the breaking point.