100 things, fitness and exercise, #67

[labelleizzy]

Maybe it's an inconsequential thing to notice (but it doesn't FEEL LIKE IT) but I can see my ankles now, they look bony and strong, and we've uncovered a long elegant sweep from foot to calf.

The arches of my feet are lower, my feet are more flexible and rarely cramp up nowadays.

My legs are gaining muscle, I'm finding many weight bearing movements are becoming more fluid and graceful (getting in and out of the car for example), and I'm starting to feel muscles in my waist and belly also.

My muscles are frequently sore and tired from twice weekly hard workouts. Tal wants me to do cardio a minimum of three times a week, pretty hard cardio, like periodically huffing for breath kind of cardio. Its a fair cop. I'll get stronger faster and hopefully hold it longer if I get in the habit of regular cardio, and I *should * have more confidence for small physical adventures.

I'm embarrassed by the fact that it has taken so long to try and get fit but I've got to remember that my knee was messed up for close to fifteen years and that I believed the doctors when they told me nothing was badly wrong, in spite of not consistently being able to walk straight, and I internalized a lot of the wider culture's fat shaming. And in this regard, I need to relax and forgive myself. I need to allow myself to be proud of the fact that I'm less than two years post knee surgery and I'm making progress and gaining strength and muscle and wind and the habit of movement in the last two years. After a long time of being mostly stationary and mostly flabby, this is good.

I do have some shame around "having to hire someone who teaches me how to move and how much" and I have some of my version of white liberal guilt" that Jeff's salary (& not my own) is paying for this. Working on feeling like I am worth the spending money on. Its an ongoing thing.

That said, I feel stronger and like I am moving forward in the physical part of my like.

Now, I need to generate more of that towards the occupations finding part of my life and much more should improve. Like kicking my bike into higher gear.

Okay.

Comments

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are feeling better!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Gosh, me too.

[anita-margarita.livejournal.com]

That payment to hire someone is giving someone a job, and what's wrong with that?

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

My brain weasels are snotty little bastards and criticize me for not knowing everything already and also not motivating myself on my own (I.e. without "bothering" anyone else)...

Idk, stoopid brain weasels!!

[tshuma]

If it helps at all to think about it like this, Jeff is investing in a better future with you. He has a stake in this, too, and the investment is already paying dividends, in your renewed flexibility and strength.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

Oh, the contradictory messages we try to sort out! There's nothing wrong with you except that you're fat! If there is something wrong with you, it's because you're fat! You should exercise, fatty! But not too much, or you'll hurt yourself! You should dedicate your life to losing weight. But you shouldn't spend your spouse's money on getting healthy - just get some self control.

Yeah, I know ALL about those ugly voices.