labelleizzy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
labelleizzy) wrote2011-06-07 04:38 pm
labelleizzy) wrote2011-06-07 04:38 pm
Go me. (@ngry, trigger and language warning)
I did Two Hard Things That Were Hard today.
One was to wake up after a night of almost no sleep to initiate an emotionally difficult conversation.
Two was to keep my mouth shut at a time later on when responding as my first impulse demanded, would've made things worse.
Here is where I say the thing that may get me in trouble : I fucking DO want a cookie. After doing Hard Things That are Hard? Yes, I want to hear a "good job" or a "thank you" or "I appreciate your efforts" BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.
Similarly I will never get tired of hearing someone I respect tell me I'm pretty, they love me, they're proud of me, I said something that made them think or laugh, BECAUSE THAT also IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.
*snarl*
I give myself EXPLICIT PERMISSION to want that cookie. Explicit permission to attract that cookie, to find safe people whom I might ask for a cookie, to feel my sadness and my rage about growing up without any fucking cookies.
Because also I was taught growing up, both directly and by example, that there Are. No. Cookies! for you, and no matter how hard you try to be worthy of one, to work for one, to ask or to suffer because you want (or need!) a 'cookie'? You get NOTHING.
Fuck that shit.
I'm in charge. Y'all, I grew up, and now I make a choice.
I make cookies every fucking day, you know? and I give them out to friends and lovers and strangers I have just met. I make them by the bushel. There ARE enough cookies.
Sometimes I make cookies just because i can. I have what i need to make them and i just do it. Other times i know I am wanting to please people because I still crave approval and a smile is as good as a cookie. I'm okay with that.
And sometimes? Sometimes, (I am *such* a subversive! ) sometimes I *actually* make cookies that are just for me. Exactly what I want and need in that moment.
And then I have what I need.
Some days I run out of cookie ingredients altogether. Days like that suck horribly because it's scary and flattening. I'd say I'm lucky because that happens pretty rarely, after 11 years of learning how to make and share and ask for a cookie. I have good cookie makers around me all the time now. There's a reason for that.
I. Am. Allowed. To. Want. A. Cookie.
So, for that matter, are you.
Here endeth the lesson.
Posted via LjBeetle
One was to wake up after a night of almost no sleep to initiate an emotionally difficult conversation.
Two was to keep my mouth shut at a time later on when responding as my first impulse demanded, would've made things worse.
Here is where I say the thing that may get me in trouble : I fucking DO want a cookie. After doing Hard Things That are Hard? Yes, I want to hear a "good job" or a "thank you" or "I appreciate your efforts" BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.
Similarly I will never get tired of hearing someone I respect tell me I'm pretty, they love me, they're proud of me, I said something that made them think or laugh, BECAUSE THAT also IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.
*snarl*
I give myself EXPLICIT PERMISSION to want that cookie. Explicit permission to attract that cookie, to find safe people whom I might ask for a cookie, to feel my sadness and my rage about growing up without any fucking cookies.
Because also I was taught growing up, both directly and by example, that there Are. No. Cookies! for you, and no matter how hard you try to be worthy of one, to work for one, to ask or to suffer because you want (or need!) a 'cookie'? You get NOTHING.
Fuck that shit.
I'm in charge. Y'all, I grew up, and now I make a choice.
I make cookies every fucking day, you know? and I give them out to friends and lovers and strangers I have just met. I make them by the bushel. There ARE enough cookies.
Sometimes I make cookies just because i can. I have what i need to make them and i just do it. Other times i know I am wanting to please people because I still crave approval and a smile is as good as a cookie. I'm okay with that.
And sometimes? Sometimes, (I am *such* a subversive! ) sometimes I *actually* make cookies that are just for me. Exactly what I want and need in that moment.
And then I have what I need.
Some days I run out of cookie ingredients altogether. Days like that suck horribly because it's scary and flattening. I'd say I'm lucky because that happens pretty rarely, after 11 years of learning how to make and share and ask for a cookie. I have good cookie makers around me all the time now. There's a reason for that.
I. Am. Allowed. To. Want. A. Cookie.
So, for that matter, are you.
Here endeth the lesson.
Posted via LjBeetle
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Have a cookie.
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you're awesome.
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Thank you, I will gladly eat that cookie.
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*hugs*
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Y'all, there is no cookie shortage! We all have all the cookie ingredients. We all know how to make them.
Get out there, pass some cookies out! What goes around comes around and if enough of us realize the cookie shortage is a LIE our families told us, and realize also that each one of us, in our beautiful strong selves, is worthy of cookies.
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I love seeing you learn to advocate for yourself. I feel like it's an important thing, possibly the Most Important Thing, and I'm (in a hopefully not-condescending way) really proud of you, and happy for you.
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*cookie*
Have a hug and cookie! I now have this image of you creating cookies and passing them out to smiling people! What a great way to brighten their days!
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(Small happy dance)
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This is utterly fantastic. It is utterly ok to want a cookie. It is not unreasonable to expect a cookie when you do the hard thing, the right thing, the painful or scary thing.