I really enjoyed reading this. It always feels like a privelege to be allowed to see someone's vulnerability through writing. Thanks for allowing us that. I think it's these very human moments that allow us all to relate to one another, too. My home was a bit weird growing up, great in many ways, weirdly dysfunctional in others... Anyway, I remember lashing out at classmates a couple times similar to this. I made them both cry. One was in second grade and one was in 8th grade. One terrible time was when I told my younger brother I wanted to sit next to our uncle at dinner, and my brother forgot and sat next to him instead. I made him feel so bad and when he very sincerely apologized to me, I said, "I will NEVER forgive you." It must sound dumb or silly to others, but it was just part of a larger story of me regularly being way too short with him, and just MEAN to him a lot of the time. He never deserved that and I honestly have no idea why I was so horrible to him sometimes. That one moment lingers in my mind as a powerful lesson in others' sensitivity, the power of words and tone of voice, and how easy it really can be to hurt people, and how awful that is!

Your story speaks to your frame of mind and how sad it is that you couldn't trust a kindness because of all the terrible things you'd already been shown from others. It's important to reflect on these things and forgive ourselves. It's interesting seeing the pieces that shape us, the small moments in time that can be so poignant, you know? Well done. :)