That is so sad that you were so miserable that you reacted that way out of fear and distrust, and such a long history of abuse that you couldn't imagine an act without it. I hope you've stopped beating yourself up for it, though. Your circumstances may not make your choices in this situation acceptable, but it does make them understandable, and I do hope you see that now for what it is. All things considered, if this is the worst thing you've ever done, I'd say you're a better human being than most of us.