Be the change you want to see.

update, general

Wed, 07 Oct 2020 21:51:29 GMT

ten things make a post, so:

* my cyst continues to drain and shrink slowly. It's gotten softer in the last few days, the hard edges that were painful to massage aren't sharp under my touch anymore. the back of the cyst pad (idk what the name of it, the part closest to my sternum and farthest from the skin) is also softening, i can actually flex it now instead of it being rigid.

High hopes for the body actually processing the whole thing completely, after enough time and care. the hydrocolloid bandaids are ah.maze.zing. they don't tear up my skin when i take them off, the whole thing is sticky and yet it doesnt tear at the wound at all. I was super duper NOT into the idea of surgical removal, so this is progressing nicely and i hope my body will cannibalize, metabolize, and heal all of it.

* been participating in Kinktober. Doing pretty good at it so far. have done scenes for temperature play, sensory deprivation (blindfolds), cockwarming, striptease, oh, and a bad bondage joke. =D yesterday's chapter (doorframe bondage) i'm working on today, and tonight i'll do today's chapter (will probably be predicament bondage uh apparently i have a favorite).

* i didn't do yesterday's chapter because (yay!) we were being Social and also i left the house (shock) to go to CVS and pick up a couple of things. I feel like I'm prepared to go out among people in limited ways. Maybe I'll be brave enough to go to the grocery store with Jeff, especially if I can get comfortable enough to use the respirator mask. Them's the big guns.

* current home improvement projects include: a large tyvek shade sail in the back yard (Jeff's baby) and black stretch velvet covers for several reflective surfaces. Tribble-cat is still hissing at reflective surfaces, but we've covered most of them already, just the velvet looks better despite being only like $6.50/yd.

*that reminds me, it's time for me to give her the dose of kitty prozac. brb

...and ten minutes later, done. because of course she decides to get up and drink water when she was peacefully napping next to me before i remembered she needed her meds. the ear-smear administration is working *fairly well* but i do believe she's getting tired of it.

* oh, Jeff is dating someone new, she's lovely and I do like her and I'm being surprised to not-feel jealous? partly because he's just so darn happy. and that delights me. and i have my own shit going on, that's pretty fun and engrossing. so. More about that eventually, I'm sure. things are fun and no drama, she likes me and i like her, Jenn likes her and she likes Jenn, so, super promising. And Jeff is GOOFY with NRE, it's adorable.

* my new meta also gives really good hugs and verbal praise and likes to DANCE which is so exciting to me! someone to dance in real space with again!

* oh oh oh i got to dance with Claire again yesterday, on Zoom which is not as nice as real life but it's hella better than nothing, and my body hurts a lot less than it was doing over the weekend. I got to that point over the weekend of the whole musculoskeletal tension ratcheting up and up and I couldn't figure out what if any stretch or exercise would work, and so I did wind up taking one of the leftover Flexiril from the Bells Palsy episode, what, two years ago now? and it let me sleep and unspool like 80% of the tension so the Monday workout was good, then Tuesday morning I got to dance (which freeform movement is the absolute BEST for my tension and pain), then today, the wednesday workout was great.

* and now I'm writing on the couch, kitty beside me, while jeff practices soldering electronics out in the garage.

* and the last in good news, our fig tree and our citrus bushes are producing in a ridiculous fashion, and that is one more thing that makes me happy.

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Relationships are hard.

Thu, 28 May 2020 04:59:46 GMT

Thanks, friends for offering support and listening in my last post.
Wanna say that really things are generally good, and we are working together to make it better. That wasn't the case for a long time but we are definitely doing the work now.

Part of the problem, as I suspect is true in tons of relationships, has been unvoiced expectations and assumptions. And unless you both are working on digging those hidden things out, there's not a lot of chance for change and improvement.

And being poly isn't any guarantee of Doing Relationships Better. Maybe there's a general "yes you must communicate" assumption, but you can communicate BADLY or have low emotional intelligence whether you are mono or poly...

*Sigh*

Also? The work is never done. That's not a bad thing, but it definitely seems to be an inevitable one.

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Intimacy part 6: they asked how do you define "primary partner"

Tue, 05 Feb 2019 18:09:01 GMT

I love the term nesting partner, which I first heard from Jenn (hi Jenn!) And that's become the core of my definition. We nest together, we build a home, we care for that home and for each other. We open that home to friends in hospitality and love and sometimes a little lust.😎 In the same vein we open our arms to friends in hospitality and love 💙 and sometimes a little lust. Sometimes the hugs and kisses are warmer and last longer, even despite time and distance, and sometimes they cool off and fade. (Occasionally they explode messily. Ugh 💀)
At some point in the last fifteen years I RELAXED. And I trust that he has my back and I have his. (That was important because I didn't grow up in a trusty family and neither did he.) That trust is the big thing. we can do a lot of little adventures, and some bigger ones, with that trust.

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Poly questions

Thu, 24 Jan 2019 21:50:51 GMT

Had a nice second date with Johnny, when I said I needed something more substantial than coffee he just walked us a couple blocks past the coffee place we were meeting at, and the little diner was cozy, cute and clean. It felt like being looked after, in a tiny way. He seems like a good human being who's done a lot of stuff and likes telling interesting stories about it, but I didn't feel talked over or anything, there was always room for me at the table.

(More coming, stay tuned)

I thought about asking him what's his favorite thing about being poly, and then I wondered how I would answer the question.

The first thing I thought of was the bad puns and sex jokes within the Polycule group chat. There's also the sense of community, of people who love you enough to stand at your back if you need anything. And then I went from there to think, these people are nourishing to me in different ways, which is why I want to spend time with them.

THEN I remembered times in my life where I've HAD to spend time with people who DRAIN your energy instead of being restful. Jobs, school, teaching. Awful awkward times dating. The Burning Man camp before this last year's, and how aggravating some of those people were who didn't pitch in, who assumed privilege they hadn't earned (getting dragged into hugs by a dude I just met and *didn't want to hug*, getting swatted on the ass by someone I barely knew -both cis white dudes, FTR).

...hang on, I was going somewhere with this...

A huge part of why polyamorous relationships work for me NOW is that NOW I feel secure, safe, loved, trusted and trustworthy. I couldn't have been polyamorous in my earlier relationships at all, not without a lot more pain and panic. (which still did happen frequently during my early days in this lovestyle.) I couldn't have made this go before I started really unpacking my emotional wounds and insecurities, before I felt safe enough to actually speak up about what I needed and wanted, with the trust that I would be both heard and listened to.

I guess it's that polyamorous relationships at their best, like all relationships, are nourishing and support everyone involved. There's a mutual give and take but it's not just a DYAD. There's a conscious acknowledgement that other people exist and are important in each person's social network and often, love life.

Poly: It's not a simple relationship model. And you can't make blind assumptions about "what IS the relationship" the way I did in earlier mostly-monogamous relationships I had. For polyamorous, particularly romantic relationships for ME, we have to do a lot of work DTR (AKA defining the relationship).

I flailed around FOREVER in my early years
of life, as far as making friends, in both childhood and adolescence. Human connection was a deep mystery to me. My family wasn't a good place to learn how to connect with people, so I learned, mostly on an Intellectual level, "how to people" and "how to friend". I tried to build frameworks of acceptable interaction to avoid ostracism and humiliation, with only partial success.

A common downfall and cause of conflict in all relationships, I think, is when each party assumes they know the shape of the interaction, the commitments that are implicit, the expected duties on both sides. This can be friends, this can be boss-employee, this can be co-workers, teachers and students, even FAMILY, and of course we have ideas about what our lovers should be.

We all have models in our heads of what these look like, feel like, and how they will provide benefits for US, and what is our part of the job in return or exchange.

But I'm finally consciously realizing, THAT'S NOT THE CASE. That's never BEEN the case. Your model of friendship is different than mine. That's why we negotiate our friendship over time. The job relationship is gonna look different between me and my boss and someone else and my boss. That relationship is ALSO negotiated BETWEEN us as co workers.

It's about how consciously you inhabit your own life and how consciously or unconsciously other people negotiate, or navigate maybe, that's not a horrible metaphor, relationship spaces.

so I'm going to say that right now today, my favorite thing about polyamory is that it forced me to examine my assumptions about what relationships even are. And that is giving me the freedom to have completely different take on The World and to be a lot more intentional with where I spend my time my intention my money basically how I do everything!

There's that one saying I remember that I struggled with understanding for years as a kid and teenager, along the lines of how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I would like to say that my goals for the rest of my life include being intentional careful and kind in all my relationships.

(I need to come back and hack at this again some more, there's definitely more to be said. And this needs more editing, but whatever, for right now.)

If you want, Beloved Reader, tell me what you think about conscious relationship choices, below.

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Second first date

Thu, 24 Jan 2019 07:08:15 GMT

MJ seems like a sweetheart, and was surprisingly easy to talk to considering she warned me she was usually shy with new people. But we had an excellent dinner, and it wasn't uncomfortable. We split the check, and then walked up the street to the esoteric bookstore because I am "extra" as the kids say these days and needed to see if they had meditation cushions, they did, and they had a comfy, not too overstuffed one in teal and green, thank you, sold! And we chatted for a bit among the shinies (East West Bookstore has an impressive collection of jewelry and crystals for sale in a beautiful and well lit case) before walking back down to our cars, and parting with a hug and a couple of texts. I sent her a link from tumblr I thought she'd think was funny (since she was headed off to work the night shift) and invited her to follow or message me there if she wants to.

Good friend potential

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Dating again? Looks like it

Thu, 17 Jan 2019 22:26:26 GMT

Heading into therapy in a minute, had my first coffee date in over a year this morning. I didn't realize until the last week, I have been really lonely, and I have been telling myself a story about why, for years.

I just signed back up with OkCupid, completely reinvented my dating profile and took away how I used to express myself in talking about the past.

And suddenly I'm talking a lot with really nice fun sympatico people. And at the moment I'm sat here in the car crying before therapy for how long I felt like that was not going to be a possibility; for the story that I told myself that I was unwanted and unwelcome; and how old that story is... it goes back to my childhood.

But! But my coffee date today went great! we both want to see each other again, he seems like an honestly good human being. And I have two other folks who both want to see me and I want to meet them! one of them works like walking distance away from my house! The other one is younger and sweet.

I have a really good feeling about this. It's time to look to the Future.

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updated okcupid profile

Sun, 06 Jan 2019 00:33:59 GMT

Most people that know me would say I'm

Smart, passionate, good listener, good storyteller, amazing hugs, a little bit flaky sometimes but trying to get better.

Most people would also notice that I believe all genders are valid and that I believe you when you tell me how you identify. Also that people who disagree with me on this should just swipe left on me.

What I'm doing with my life

I'm not looking for my One, I have a One.

I'm looking for someone who can enrich my life AND at least one of my communities, OR who is already there, interested in Life, the Universe, and Everything, but we just haven't met yet.

I'm looking for (mostly polyamorous and queer friendly) Makers and Burners and fanfiction writers, dancers and music makers, artists, designers, people who have learned how to smile even when life is hard and stupid, who'll roll their eyes at me using #gotyourback while proving that they live that philosophy.

I wanna go hiking with poets and dancing with queen geeks, flirt with voluptuous risk takers and swim among beings who understand gender as a performance and a construct. Mad science arguments and poetry get flung around with Dad jokes and lyrics of old swing tunes or bits from Steven Universe and She-ra.

Can you keep up?

I'm happily embodied and studying shame free living, how about you? Can you converse without words? Are you happy to coexist, head on my shoulder or vice versa?

Did you minor in platonic cuddles and friendly flirtation? Can you deal with me dropping in and out of silly accents and dropping non sequiturs? (No wait, it's too long, let me sum up)

I'm looking for playfellows, for adventures and rowdy shenanigans, and to see where and if we fit. For an hour, a year, or longer.

I firmly believe that "each relationship should seek its own level" but I don't go for *casual* sex at all. I'm happy where I am, if you're special and secure and we click, fun is bound to happen! I have references! (My entire Burning Man camp from 2018 will vouch.)

New adventures?

I'm really good at

Writing, dancing joyfully, explaining things, expressing affection, being straightforward.

The first thing people notice about me

silver in my hair, my easy smile, my warm calm energy.

Six things I could never do without

Tea. Preferably black tea.

My Doc Martens. (i.e., ass kicking stompy boots)

My Spouse, my House, my Kitties, & Loving touch.

My spiritual practice,

My sense of humor, and

Self-respect.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

... how to strive for the Right Thing, (right thought, right word, right action,) and how can I be the most honorable human being possible.

...What's the next fun thing I can say yes to?

...how can I get better organized and more productive in my artistic life?

On a typical Friday night I am

Honestly, I'm usually at home unless I've had a really enticing invitation.
I'm pretty much a Hobbit.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I've had a rough time trusting people in a romantic way, after the way my last three secondary-level relationships ended. If you have any emotional intelligence, and we meet in person, I expect you to know what to do with that information.

you should message me if...

-- you and I are a very high match percentage and you live in the SF Bay Area. -- you love to walk, hike, play or dance. Especially dance.

-- you write, particularly fiction, and love to talk about it.

-- you're very liberal and want to talk about how to make art and change the world.

--you can talk about relationships like a grownup. I'm not looking for a hookup.

-- you have a quirky, self effacing sense of humor, and enough confidence to fling yourself into new small adventures.

-- you really love tea.

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Tue, 30 Jan 2018 07:03:55 GMT

had a nice long chat with spouse tonight about talking about sex and dating and negotiating our poly boundaries, and shit like that. we talked and had dinner for like THREE HOURS.

IT WAS AWESOME.

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Happy Monday

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 19:17:09 GMT

I have stuff I need to do (laundry) stuff I want to do (write and make things with friends) and stuff I really should do (have the awkward conversation breaking it off with that guy I had the ropes date with last week).

And... *shrug* i guess this is partly me holding myself accountable by saying it in a public venue. I want to be an ethical person, therefore I can't just ghost.

It pisses me off though that I've been running about a dozen different variations on the conversation through my head, because due to recent events in a dear friend's life, and because everything in political life is being so shitty and about men feeling entitled to shit, I'm a little anxious underneath my blase exterior.

If I look at it from a queenly perspective, it's one kind of problem. It's a similar perspective if I look at it through a witchy lens.

and

you know what, I don't want to think about approaching the challenge from any other past perspective I used to hold. I'm sovereign. That's the point of being a Witch.

I'll be as kind as I can, but I'm certainly not the "girl" I'm sure he's looking for.

Time to end things.

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Dating goals

Wed, 17 Jan 2018 09:14:02 GMT

One thing I just realized re: dating people and/or searching for a satisfying sex partner.

I'm...not hetero anymore. Hetero guys ... Hm. I think i could dig a het fella if he was a little fey/Fay, witchy or genderqueer.

But I think I might see if my crush on an adorable friend of mine has any chance of going somewhere.

Wish me luck!

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hey buddies. Long Time No See...

Sat, 23 Dec 2017 06:29:10 GMT

I apologize to all the old friends who I haven't seen in approximately a million years. I've fallen in love with fiction writing and with short form posting over on Tumblr.

Upside is, I'm meeting new writer friends who I'm networking with and really feeling a great connection with.
Downside is, well. I miss all y'all in the whirl of the new.

I was sad a couple months ago when I saw Brenda had taken me off her friends list but I really couldn't blame her. I've been awol for a damn long time.

And well, the internet is rearranging itself. Net Neutrality is fighting for its life, and just today fucking Okcupid forced a Real Name Policy on all of us.

Because that's been such a welcome and uncontroversial policy when other giant websites have mandated it.
just... seriously?

I'm about to dump my OKC profile in here. IDK what I'm gonna do about meeting other polys but I'm so pissed off at OKC that I'm gonna bounce.

I promise I'll try and come back and update when I'm less pissed off and more to the point, check in with some more of y'all who've been loyal to the platforms (dw and lj).

Happy Winter Holidays for those of us in the northern hemisphere, Happy summer holidays to those of us in the southern hemisphere, and love to everyone.

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Thank you Blogiverse

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 23:41:57 GMT

I was feeling insecure and low about the new person I've started seeing.
Was like, IDK when I'm going to get to see her, what if she doesn't want to anymore, the insecurity brainweasels just set up shop and were gonna settle in for the long haul

and then I thought of how I would describe the situation to y'all.

and the truth is, she's a single mom with shared custody,
she's a full time student,
she's seeing other people, not just me,
and she just had some important scary family medical stuff go down.

and I went, "duh. Of course she doesn't have time JUST RIGHT NOW."

and like, I allowed myself to relax and to, like, go live my own life. Cos she's got to live hers.

I'm allowed to WANT things, but nobody's obligated to totally rearrange their life so that I get them.

...I should maybe figure out how the hell to tell someone I want to see more of them without scaring them.

#lifegoals #isuppose

anyway.

just wanted to say thanks Blogiverse for a way out of my own head.

*mwah*

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