Be the change you want to see.

Spring and gardening

Mon, 09 Mar 2026 21:20:37 GMT

Out my front window I can see:

* White flowers from the potato vine in the backyard
* Dark pink of the flowering crabapple
* Fresh pale green growth on the podocarpus
* Several fruit in different stages of ripening on the limequat tree
* Fresh growth and some flowers on the redcurrants bushes
* Fresh growth on the rosebush and fig tree
* Fresh growth on the dwarf pomegranate that we've decided is coming out this year. 😢

Of the plants that we're going to remove I'm saddest about the pomegranate.
We're also going to take out two Chinese Fringe bushes because they're crowding the citrus trees, and two shrubs at the end of the patio that aren't thriving at all.

My plan is to cut down the foliage and ask Sergio to take out the stumps, and maybe dig them out a little bit so we could try and plant something else in their spots.

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Yay for today!

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 23:12:00 GMT

One yay for today:

Today I needed to walk a labyrinth. I knew where one was, I knew I had some things to let go of once I got to the center.

Basic self care to turn off the map app on my way home and go to the local UU.

I do feel lighter. I haven't taken the time and intention to put things in the lap of the gods and ask for help, in far too long.

Meditate. Move. State your intentions, and ask for help. Then leave them there for the gods to do as they see fit.

In this one thing I can follow a Christian saying, "let go, and let God "

Sometimes I just have to surrender the busy brain, the guilt, grief, and anger, and choose a new path.

Spiral in, spiral out again.

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Hella productive today!

Thu, 30 Dec 2021 07:23:01 GMT

I was so productive today and I'm so proud of myself!

*Dumped the cardboard at the recycle center
*Did the grocery run for my friends and dropped it off to their house
*Did a mail run from my other friend which also included a fax I needed to make
* Got my blood drawn for the blood test I need to have done regularly
*Did a goodwill drop off that I've been meaning to do for literally weeks! Boy they were busy!
*AND, and I wrote another 500 words
They were GOOD words AND I finished and posted a new chapter.

HELL YEAH I'm patting myself on the back!

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Saw another good Tumblr post...

Sat, 11 Dec 2021 21:40:23 GMT

This one reminded me, that if you go outside in the sunshine, sometimes life doesn't suck quite as bad as it did. So I went outside in the sunshine, and I was straightening up my winter holiday decorations. I still need to hang ornaments on them. And I did start to feel better.

Next goal: Get yourself some water you beautiful and capable but dehydrated bitch...

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Today I was my own dopamine Fairy

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:40 GMT

Today I did one of my pay it forward tasks.

Today I drove out to Cupertino to pick up my friend's s*** from her ex-boyfriend. They split up a while ago and he has been gas lighting her since just a little bit before they split up.

His name's Johan. Don't date him.

Anyway, I'd offered something like two weeks ago and just spontaneously got the executive functioning going well enough that I engaged with him yesterday to do the thing today, and after my workout this morning, and food after that, I got my ducks in a row.

Pinged Johan for where I'd pickup his drop-off, he condescends to say, yeah I guess this method is better for L's nerves

LIKE FUCK YOU, DUDE

He gave me a map pin, it was accurate, I parked at the red zone like the Amazon and UPS vans, turned on my hazard lights like them, grabbed the black plastic bag with her stuff, passenger seat, (traffic was heavy through the neighborhood) and then legged it over to L's.

Dropped the bag o stuff on her back porch (her house is weird, built on a corner and has 2 back porches, a tiny one about 3'x2' off one of the bedrooms I think, and the actual back porch for like BBQ or whatever.)

And then I came home and read my own pornography, and a couple of other people's, for awhile.

My pornography has now reached 49k words for the current series, and well past 120 k for all my words posted to AO3.

So I mentioned on FB today that I feel like "a real writer" and just, Yay.

Also, the trees are FINALLY, finally changing color. Sent photos to Stephen in the Bahamas per request, and also I felt like a badass in sneakers, yoga pants, sweater and the black denim trench coat Luisa have me last year. I fucking love that thing...

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I wrote this last night, tomorrow is my birthday...

Fri, 19 Nov 2021 18:57:00 GMT

I am a day and a half off my 52nd birthday, and I'm just come home from a delightful evening dancing with five, or six other friends and new friends.

I keep receiving the same message and tonight was just the most recent. The message is move first. Then your brain will catch up. Do the thing first. Okay! Tonight I did the thing.

I listened to new music on the way out to my friend Michal's dance event, and the delightful part is that she actually hosted an angel wash, which is what my old dance teacher used to call hey it's your birthday, happy birthday to you.
...Just kidding! It's really this incredible meditative emotional opportunity for your friends to show you that they love you and want you to be happy.

Angel wash is something that happens once a month in the dance community I've been part of for years, the dance community that dissolved shortly after shelter in place started. It used to be if it was your birthday month, the last dance event of that month would include a dedicated space, for allowing the birthday people to receive loving touch from their community. And it's been 2 years for me, participating OR receiving.. I am not ashamed to tell you that I cried. I needed to cry but even so. We had two other birthday month people, so I got to do the angel wash also! Offering loving touch feels good in a different way, but I love doing both when I have explicit permission.

I needed to move so that the feelings would move and I needed to dance so that my body would have the chance to break down some of the things that are holding me back.

Sometimes taking the action needs to come first, a leap of faith if you will, trusting that the universe will catch you. That might be the case!

When I physically move it fixes some things in my body. Sometimes it's short-term fixed sometimes it's a long-term effects. Tonight it's a short-term fix, my hip is already tight and tender again and that makes me sad cuz it's sign that I'm getting older. But getting older is still better than the alternative so.

Update from the morning: I drank wine last night with my post dance snack (I made on fries potatoes!) And that plus a little acetaminophen meant I guess that I woke up with mild pain of exertion but no joint pain !! Yay!!

And then Jeff was out in the very hot hot tub and I joined him and stretched and gosh that felt good and right now I don't have pain, it's 5 to 11 and my tea is brewing (a chai blend my sister and niece got me) and I need to eat something.

It's a good last day of my 52nd year. Looking forward to starting 53 tomorrow

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On depression

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 07:09:33 GMT

Wrote about depression, therapy, and suggestions from my therapist:

https://labelleizzy.tumblr.com/post/664974007975739392/little-things-that-help

I'll try to copy paste here but Tumblr isn't friendly to that and I'm running out of brain tonight...

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Visiting what once was home

Sun, 07 Nov 2021 22:49:19 GMT

Gonna go visit family and a few friends this week in Sacramento.
All summer for whatever reason my anxiety flared hard whenever I thought about going to Sacramento in the heat, and I couldn't make myself go.

But it's November and should be nice, temperate.
Birthday month for me, my sister, my niece. I was last up in May, and that was the first visit in like 20 months because pandemic!

I'm feeling decently balanced, emotionally, right now, and like I'll be fine without my emotional support husband. :)

(I do think that I'm going to pack my own pillow from home to sleep at mom's because her house always has Unexpected Dust and my allergies kick my ass for a long time.

Packing list:
* The usual clothes and toiletries (ALLERGY and regular MEDS)
* At least 3 fabric masks
* Charger collection for phone, laptop and hearing aids
* Laptop/sketchbook bag, daily planner/address book
* PILLOW
* Mom's stuff that I meant to mail to her and never did
* Birthday present for my niece
* Some fresh figs off our tree to eat at mom's.

Altogether I feel like I'm traveling pretty light

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Rant linked here

Wed, 03 Nov 2021 00:14:35 GMT

I wrote a screed after blocking a lot of TERFS today.
https://sometimesrosy.tumblr.com/post/666783831197728768

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Went to visit N and her OMG FUCK OFF GIANT HOUSE

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 07:56:53 GMT

N bought a house just about as the pandemic started. A gorgeous, expensive, historical house, I've just realized, a house that can authentically be called a proper mansion.

Oh my God. Holy forking shirtballs. Fuck the fuck off outta here then do that again.

It's completely insane, totally nutburgers, there's 7 people living there and it's so giant they're RATTLING AROUND IN THE PLACE OH MY FUCKING GOD.

AND this place is a hundred years old, and in damn good repair, and I'm just completely gobsmacked.

And we had noodle soup for dinner, and a mini fashion show of k's Halloween costume possibilities... And it was gorgeous and surreal and I got SO MUCH DOPAMINE TONIGHT. great chat, insane house holy shit.

That's all I've got for this instant, just HOLY SHIT.

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Socializing during pandemic...

Sat, 23 Oct 2021 22:12:38 GMT

Had lunch with one of my oldest friends just yesterday.

Hearing aids 👂
+ everyone masked up 😷
+ lots of ambient noise 🎶 🍽️ 🗣️
= STRUGGLE. 🥺☹️😞😟

Still a good visit, I'll need to do this again with her. ☕ 🌯 🫂

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Tue, 12 Oct 2021 05:55:13 GMT

So I think this is depression again. As the change of the year, as the days get shorter, darker, colder.
But I think I've been struggling with this for a long time. Since I lost the teaching job, since I lost daily contact with hundreds of people who were enthusiastic and interesting and various ways. I can go days now where I only see Jeff. And I don't seem to have the energy to dig myself out and go solicit company.

Tonight I am tired and sleepy, I got a short weekend of sleep because we went camping and the first night was also the last night, because it was too cold. Because it was October already, maybe we should have realized. It was still fun but the sleep deficit is real.

The anhedonia is real also. Everything seems sort of numb and wrapped in cotton wool. All I do is read, it feels like. Even when I have things that would connect me to other people, I can't make myself do it. I'm made an appointment to see the therapist, hopefully talking to Lara will un snarl some things.

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Fitness and FUNCTIONAL strength/balance

Mon, 11 Oct 2021 07:39:18 GMT

This year I've tripped, or misstepped and fallen to hands and knees at least twice. I credit my trainer Etty for the reflexes my body needed to be able to pull back and not *eat it* from falls like that... Both would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been strength training.

I also give myself credit, for showing up, being honest, doing the work, and for letting her teach me to be gentle with my own body. We work not past the pain but with the pain, allowing the pain to educate and to be the boundary holding the workout.

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Taming the brain weasels

Fri, 01 Oct 2021 19:54:58 GMT

Just a minute ago I got ambushed by some brain weasels. And they were trying to tell me that I am a bad human being and I am an awful friend. So I let them try what they were doing for a couple minutes, and then I went to unpack the dishwasher. Putting things in order is one of the ways that I manage when my brain is giving me toxic messages.

So I was starting to feel better, and was going to come here to write about the moment, and a friend of mine, Jay, talked about how starting their ADHD medication, is helping them at work but is, they're feeling some feelings about it, about noticing that they think differently and don't have their silly, fun, side thoughts while medicated. So we're currently chatting about that. And that puts paid to the brain weasels. When person reaches out, and we have a conversation. And the brain weasels have been proven wrong.

Next thing I need to do is get cleaned up and my hair combed and washed and get dressed and accomplish a couple more things around the house, maybe finish some more of that dragon art I've been working on. I have a cute little design for a dragon baby that's sleeping, it's going to be a gift for my friends Sean and Julia.

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Tickling as friendly, as a power play, as abuse.

Wed, 08 Sep 2021 20:27:17 GMT

cjsmith just did a Five For Friday post in which they mentioned being tiny and trying to tickle an aunt of theirs. The aunt had apparently developed the ability to turn off the "being tickled" reaction at will.

Which I'm honestly in awe of, and it sounds like CJ was impressed by as well.

Here's my memory of my body learning how to not be tickled:

I was small enough to still feel comfortable about crawling, but on the brown shag our second house, so I was probably 8 or so, my sister 7 or so, our little brother around 4.

Dad was having a "tickle fight" with the three of us. (Before I tell the rest of this story, please know that I've forgiven him for this given what I've been able to learn and extrapolate about Dad's shitty childhood.)

I remember being tickled so hard and mercilessly that I couldn't breathe for laughing, and trying to crawl away but being /dragged back in/ before I got out of his reach, and I *know* I was saying "no stop quit it" and probably "I can't breathe."

And that's the last time someone was able to tickle me, till I started having intimate relationships around 18, and the trust and privacy required to be gentle and sexy, occasionally unlocked my ticklishness.

This is a complicated story that's superficial and simple if you look at it in one way:
"Oh, Liz's father tickled all the tickles out of her!" I definitely used to present it like it was cute, I think, before I heard and understood the words /agency/ and /consent/ and /personal autonomy/.

Respect for the bodily right of children? In the late 1970's?

I have complicated feelings. That might have been one of the worst, most memorable lessons about what men get to do to other people. And I think what happened is I made myself go limp and I shut off that response. I don't remember that part of things distinctly, I just remember the panic of "I can't breathe I can't get away"...

And the feeling that memory brings out is identical to the feeling of the time I was date raped, or maybe acquaintance raped, in university. I remember deciding to give up, because he wouldn't quit putting his hands all over me, and I couldn't get away, so I list laid there, checked out, and let him do whatever. Thank fuck he actually put a condom on, as I wasn't on birth control.

It took me almost a year to realize that counted as rape.

And it's not like I didn't already HAVE trust issues full stop...

That was thirty years ago. Literally, this year it's thirty years since that bastard did that. And it took me 25 years and a 2019 visit to New South Wales, Australia, to be able to hear that accent without shying away, noping out.

I just need to feel this some more for a minute.
.
.
.
Deep breath. And again. And again.

See. The world's fucked up. And has always been.

And that's why we *have* to tell, and hear, stories that change how we look at each other, how we treat each other.

It's why we have to keep talking, keep educating, keep learning how to recognize and respect other people's boundaries.

We have to learn how to recognize and apologize for when we hurt someone else.
(My dad had a lot of casually cruel habits. He didn't know how to be loving and safe and kind and welcoming, as I've heard other fathers can.)

We have to learn what making amends is about. Making reparations, after we've done harm.

Because the damage is passed down over decades. Over generations.

It's an endless work, trying to do better.

But if my dad had known better, maybe he'd have done better.
Maybe he'd have healed himself.
Maybe he wouldn't have taught me that particular, horrific lesson that my body wasn't MINE.

MAYBE. But I've got to try, and keep trying.

We have to build the world we want. We always have.

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Health/wellness/fitness update

Mon, 16 Aug 2021 22:04:48 GMT

Ok my back/hip/si joint was painful enough that I finally booked with my chiropractor, Larry, last Monday, a week ago today.
It took a longer than usual session because it's been about two years and a stressful election and an attempted coup and a deadly global pandemic since I saw him last...

But the ribs have expanded. Breathing is easier, I think. I've been doing zipper cracks of my lower spine, and the general body Bain has been much better.

I actually posted to FB something about the crazy endorphins I was high on, immediately post session. (Awesome.

But then this weekend my LEFT hip and si joint were excruciating the way the right had been, before the adjustment. And I just figured, maybe this was related to how my left side was a couple inches higher when I sit with that leg up in figure 4.

More compensating. But it was bad. Like any kind of rotation of that hip, especially load bearing: turn it pivot on that leg in the kitchen? OUCH!

And huh now I remember I had a hip-flexor or lower belly cramp and release while Jeff and I were in Mendocino last week... And generally moments like that have led to range of motion increase, and decreased pain...

But last night it was bad enough that I was fidgeting lots, trying to see if I could find the right stretch to release the pain. And then I dig out the flexiril and took one with the bedtime meds. That does tend to work well for me.

Sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care, or something... 😉

Then this morning as I started to wake up and do the morning stretches, I felt something small go *poink* deep in my hip socket as something shifted. A tendon, maybe, I'm never exactly sure.

But when my muscles are strong and soft and limber, good things happen.

It's taken several major steps to get where I am after the injuries to my knee. Double sprai, one year apart (1997&1998). Then the actual ACL tear in 2007, and then finally surgery in November of 2011.

The body does amazing things to hold us together and let us function, when we're injured. That functionality often comes with a hefty cost of pain.

The first real relief came post knee surgery. My toes uncurled. My back and hip heaved a sigh of relief. I cried. I cried kind of a lot.

Other moments of pain and release have come at other logical times. Well. Logical in retrospect. One massive spasm and release came halfway through a weekend dance workshop in San Rafael, something like five years ago. I was sitting on the toilet 🚽 during the break and my hip flexor SEIZED. Holy Mary Mother of God, that hurt. The other dancers were asking was I okay and I was just cussing and saying that it was a muscle spasms. Which it was. I went back to the dance floor once it resolved itself, tenderly testing for pain and range of motion, and DAMN if I couldn't do several things more easily and with almost zero pain than I had, only an hour before the cramp....

And I have had multiple other breakthroughs of a similar type. Late last week, on our Mendocino trip, I'm realizing that I had almost the exact spasm, sitting in the car, as the San Rafael dance workshop spasm, after two days of gentle hiking 🥾...

I have a theory that my body holds onto tension until I prove that I can be trusted to work the support muscles appropriately, and enough to support the joint... And then the muscle agrees to let go of its death grip clench. Which got us by well enough for years, you know.

But the chiropractor, the hot 🛁 bathtub, the gentle movement, have worked to convince my LEFT hip that it could finally let go after... After many years.

Blessed be the body, and the bodymind as well. I'm grateful for my healers, my team.

And I'm grateful for my trust of myself, my hard won trust of my own body.

Thank goodness for the Age of Information, where I can look up anatomy details without going to the library and paging through huge tomes. If I want to learn about the psoas or the piriformis, I can just *click* *search* 🔍 *sort* *find* *read*.

Okay. Less sitting today, more gentle movement.

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Hearing aids and not

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 21:30:58 GMT

Today there was a super cute moment where one of the local birds flew up and perched on the front porch railing.

Flew away, came back with a friend, they were clearly chirping. I could see it through the window, it was obvious that they were, but between the constant tinnitus, the dryer running, and the window between us,

I couldn't hear them.

I mention this to Jeff. He's surprised. "I don't have my ears in" "no but you really CAN'T hear that?"

The bird, still being cute, obligingly chirps again >o

And I pay attention, but nope. Can't hear it.

This is the baseline now.

Like my vision is good enough for most things but I can't read without the glasses unless the font is pretty big and distinct.

(I have actually stopped myself from "zooming in" with my fingers on printed menus.)

This is what 51.75 looks like.

Hearing damage, wrinkly skin, some visual deterioration, some scars inside and out, emotional and physical.

New competencies.
New self knowledge.
New understanding.

It is what it is. And that's okay.

Getting older is still so much better than the alternative.

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Dory was right

Wed, 28 Jul 2021 17:50:05 GMT

Like in finding Nemo? Dory was right.
You've got to just keep swimming swimming swimming...
:)

My leg and hip are hurting a lot less. I think Etty and I are successfully digging into the tight/locked up/atrophied muscles that have been causing me such pain over the last several months. Hip rotational work is good, feels good, and I can feel things releasing bit by bit.

Thank fuck she's patient and gentle, because I still struggle to hold those concepts in mind (and body) simultaneously with "working out". And "me".

She's teaching me to be gentle to myself the way that my cat (who is sometimes a very bitey little calico) has taught me how to be gentle to other people (and critters.)

Slow. Steady. Regular.

And the body is changing.

We're not where we were, my body and me. But nobody's is. We're all figuring out how to care for ourselves and each other in a world 🌍 where Covid is A THING, and it's still causing fear and damage... And I have folks who care. And I care about myself.

A little bit every day. Just a bit. And I can build my wind back by my next birthday (November) because I do well with long distance goals, and I can do a little bit every day that hurts in the good way. Gods know nobody is going to do that FOR me.

Okay. I'm feeling good.

(I learned this week that I'm in menopause. 71 on the FSH blood test. And I'm feeling like, an unchained self, beneath some piles of old chains that I've been moving off me for DECADES. I have other feelings, not yet fully identified yet.)

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Adulting! Wooooo (Accountability Post)

Tue, 20 Jul 2021 23:37:59 GMT

I'm struggling to adult and there's lots to do.

* Relationship foo

* Schedule foo (see friends, see family, have dates

* Polyamorous foo (dealing with jealousy and finding the courage to bring up my concerns and ask for what I want)

* HEALTH foo, which is multilayer:

** Body pain: *chiropractor, *physical therapy and maybe *massage? I could use my birthday card from almost 2 years ago, but still, SCHEDULE foo.

** Optometry: apparently my last visit was in 2017. I didn't break my glasses so I guess I just didn't go in? (Scheduled for Friday PM)

** Gynecology. Because the girl parts smell bad, I have mild pelvic pain,and zero libido. (Just scheduled for Thursday PM.) ALSO I need to understand more about what to expect from my hopefully upcoming menopause.

** Mental health. The depression and ADHD are not managing themselves. I'm spending hours per day on the internet basically trying to cheer myself up.

About that last one. Today got pretty bad because J was starting another dating website profile, and it hit me hard. We have Stuff To Talk About and I struggle with starting the conversation. Partly because it went so badly for me before when I brought up Previous Stuff, which is also an Aspect of Current Stuff, of course.

Okay.
BUT I DID ask for help earlier today when I found myself panicking and spiraling, and he dropped what he was doing to come over and help, so that was good.

AND I'm going to have a needed shower 🚿 (my hair's been up in a braid for three days and it wasn't clean before that) also the previously mentioned smelly parts definitely need some gentle TLC.

And then I'll eat a little bit more of something.

I'm thinking this all is like getting a farm or a garden back up and running after fourteen months of not looking after it. The neglect, in the end, hasn't been very benign.

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Oh wow, I hurt less

Wed, 07 Jul 2021 17:33:48 GMT

Last night we had dinner at friend's house and they have a saltwater pool (it's very luxe, DO RECOMMEND)

ALSO they have a jacuzzi with jets strong enough to do authentic massage.

It was my first time in a pool in over 2 years I think.

Took a leisurely swim and float, looking up at the stars, chatting with L, one of the daughters of the family, and then I did oopsy daisy over into the Jacuzzi from the pool and had the jets absolutely POUND my sore places in back and hips.

Today, the world is beautiful, and nothing hurts.

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Fitness post shelter in place: EEYURG. :(

Wed, 23 Jun 2021 19:06:25 GMT

I've been doing short workouts twice a week, during this whole pandemic, but that's basically all. I've kept a decent amount of the muscle 💪 strength I developed pre pandemic, most of the flexibility.

But.

My shit still hurts, regularly. Still have regular aches at the dislocation and bone breaks (right ankle, knee, wrist) plus where those limbs join the torso (shoulder and hip/lower back).

Yesterday I took a walk with my niece, from her house into downtown mountain view. It's like five or six short city blocks, not like long New York or SF blocks. That and back again, and stopping at two shops.

Holy CATS y'all. My endurance isn't great. My wind isn't great. Even my balance isn't great, because the muscles in the right side of me haven't been getting enough challenge to stay strong, soft and healthy.

I wasn't embarrassingly wobbly, but I could feel it, and was reminded of how difficult it used to be to walk straight before I had the ACL replacement surgery. Which I never enjoy that reminder.

Uncomfortable, not fully painful.

Bit of a blister on the sole of my foot, achy body especially around hips and knees. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But I DID THE THING and now I have a baseline.

Etty has been telling me I need to be walking more, maybe bicycling more.

And I was like, yeah, yeahhhhhhh ONLY NOW that I'm sore (not sore AF, but SORE) from a walk that probably wasn't even quite a full mile round trip?

I'm feeling more motivation to a) take daily short walks and b) get my bicycle fixed up so I can ride her again. (She's pretty and purple and PLAYAFIED hahahah )'( and has flat tires I think, and a rusty chain.

I'm going to see if the bike shop has time to take her on Friday. I came to slow wakefulness remembering/dreaming how nice it can be to bicycle out and back, especially earlier in the day or later in the evening.

I have a Plan. *\o/*

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Short update

Sun, 20 Jun 2021 22:13:50 GMT

Just as I was posting the previous, Jeff came to find me and ask if I wanted to be a third person to play a game called Wizards. So I spent the last half hour of Gem's visit learning a new game with them.

Disappointment mitigated somewhat, as the game and social time were fun. IDK when I'll get another time to have the house to myself though, I do want to have a me-date soon, before the hormone cycle tips again and has me uninterested in sexy times.

Time to get out the calendar with the spouse and the new sweetie and find a good time this next week!

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Well I HAD plans

Sun, 20 Jun 2021 21:29:34 GMT

I was actually kind of looking forward to having the house to myself today,😂😂😂, But it isn't working out like that. Jeff actually had plans to have a board game night with some of our friends and his sweetie gem, only at the last minute the board games afternoon got canceled and that would sort of be fine but I had plans to close the curtains and dance around the house, to pick the music, and to go outside, bask in some sunshine and dictate more story background or maybe some actual story. But instead I'm in the living room and dictating which is fine as far as that goes but like I had anticipation of having the house today, damn it! Sigh. Let me change the subject...

I have a cute kitty face right here in front of me demanding my attention, scratch scratch, pet pet pet pet.

Had a delightful evening last night, actually went out for dinner and a show holy shit! Bawdy Storytelling, My first visit to see them, and everybody was so joyful the energy in the venue was incredible. People really brought their costume game and their just joyful energy, just like fun clothes fun headdresses fascinators great flashy earrings and sequin dresses and tail coats and gosh I can't even remember all of the good stuff! I was having a good night even before the storytellers got on stage. Girl purple and I had burgers at super duper Burger, with garlic fries and dipping sauces, which reminds me I have to go wash the sweater I was wearing last night because I dripped on it oops. And we got to the venue and the doorman flirted with me as we were on the way in which just f****** delighted me completely. Inside the San Francisco mint. That was the venue the inner courtyard of the mint. Very very cool they had a kind of a bingo card for getting to know you exercise icebreaker. And that was fun talking to strangers, it's been long enough that talking to strangers was more fun than scary. Got to swap a lot of compliments with people so that was also fun. sore throat when I got home from all the talking I got to do which was also, whaaaaaat so fun!

K. I'm going to go try and accomplish some things off line.

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I woke in pain.

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 14:13:28 GMT

Is the body informing the mind, or is the mind-heart tying the body up in pain?

It's like 6:38 in the morning. 2 hours before I usually get up.

And that was an awful dream.

My life was dreary, and it was my wedding day again, but I wasn't happy and I wasn't marrying Jeff, I was marrying someone so he could get his green card.

There were spiders and rotten ladder rungs in a space I was supposed to climb up into, then I was running away from work at the school I used to work at (where we'd run out of printer paper for the wedding programs) and as I was (literally) running to my home-in-the-dream to get more printer paper, I saw the other part of the wedding party we waiting at a door to the school? And I was going to be late?

And the substitute teacher who was going to take my class for the day was arrogant and awful, my classroom was shabby, even more than it was in real life...

And I woke up slow crying and afraid.

My body hurts.

IDK what my mind is doing, or how much truth is in the emotions of the dream, (shame and fear of being unloved, and the horror of being poor and useless, I think) but I do know things I can do to help my body hurt less.

As Jenroses on Tumblr says, after you pull out some of the forks that are stuck in you, sometimes you find more spoons. She calls that the Fork corollary to the Spoon Theory.

Tylenol, morning meds, maybe some coffee, and put some pants on and go for a walk.

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So we're coming out of shelter in place.

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 07:05:34 GMT

I sort of feel like shelter in place was reasonably good to me. The downside is I guess, that I got even smaller, socially and emotionally and mentally. I only got a little bit larger physically! Smile.

My brain's a little fluffy tonight. Hard to keep track of my thoughts. Tonight I'm in some mild pain. Brain is spiraling into old tracks, and old and old insecurities. Knowing that their old tapes, makes it somewhat easier to try to set them aside but also because they are old messages, that have never been fully refuted, they just sort of sit there like rocks in a field. Getting in the way.

I know that I've experienced this many times before. I know that I've gone through transitions in my life many times before, where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or perhaps more precisely, who I'm going to be.

How do you find the right questions? How can I possibly know. I guess I can't. I can't know where I'm going. I can figure out what I want, I can figure out what I need, and I can try to make sure that I have those things.

I can work on ways to break the spiral, when I fall into the old patterns. New adventures will break the old patterns!

But I do have business with Jeff. He's so immersed in his intellectual life, and yes, the opening up of his social life too, that he doesn't hear or notice my bids for attention and conversation. (That predates the opening of shelter in place significantly though. It's an old problem).

He's not replaceable. You know? Even if I'm getting plenty of joyful enthusiastic company from folks who are literally delighted to see me, I'd still miss him. And I'm living with him. It's weird and uncomfortable and like tiny stabs of regret and grief every time he doesn't hear me.

And I'm the one who got the hearing aids. Sigh.

I neither mean nor want to be petty. I love him, and I need something from him that he hasn't been bringing to the table.

I don't know how to get him to see me In the way I need.

Maybe I need to re-up with my therapist.

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