labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (strong)
Not sure how to make this post coherent. Perhaps a list.

  • Test results received late last night/early this morning before I went to bed. Congratulations, it's Diabetes! =(
  • Congratulations, it's also high LDL cholesterol! (fuck.) At least Triglycerides and HDL were where they're supposed to be.
  • Good workout today with Tal, and I told her about the blood tests. She is being strict with me, she wants me to up my gym visits to four times per week, to make SURE I do ten to 15 minutes of interval training on the treadmill Every Time I Come In, because cardio is my big challenge. We talked about Metformin and researching my situation (which is both hypothyroid/Hashimoto's and diabetes) and about seriously building my stamina and strength.
  • as a matter of fact, one thing Tal said deserves its own bullet point. I'm not to use the elliptical anymore for my warmups, I'm to use the treadmill and do the interval work for fifteen minutes because "the elliptical is fine for people who are just starting or who are recovering. You are neither." This pleases me MIGHTILY.
  • Wonderful to run into [livejournal.com profile] wrenb at the gym, we had time for a cup of coffee and a chat that I found very nourishing and therapeutic.
  • On a related note, my brain weasels are still telling me that DIABETES=DEATH (because my dad had diabetes when he died) so I will encourage EVERYONE to share diabetes success stories if you know any. Stupid damn brain weasels. At least I know they're there, so I can deal with them.
  • Feeling strong and warm and sore, had a wonderful workout Wednesday and today, and a serious chiseling-out massage yesterday because Danniel is back working at Massage Envy. And he's added some new strokes to his repertoire. And I gave him a double tip yesterday because that was aMAzing, and because I could. Whew, I was flying on endorphins!
  • I've gotten some links from [livejournal.com profile] sarahmichigan re: hypothyroid and I'm working on finding reliable info on diabetes and "eating diabetic".
  • Doctor's office has me in for three appointments next week: I get a blood sugar monitor and a lesson on how to use it, I am seeing the optometrist or opthalmologist (not sure which) so they can check out my eyeballs and (one assumes) start a baseline, and there's a class on, I think, diabetic nutrition. I'll be busy looking after my health next week, what with extra workouts and everything.
  • And, since ten things makes a list, I'm going to go find something delicious to have for lunch. And now I know how to balance the plate: 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 protein, 1/4 hopefully complex carbs.


Life. Is complicated. I've never been so happy to be unemployed in my LIFE, except when I had the knee surgery and could just spend my time recovering and doing PT.

Honey, [livejournal.com profile] eeyore42? I'm sorry I'm not working but I'm glad I can narrow my focus and Deal With This as completely as possible.
labelleizzy: (Silly)
Meme: list five or more things in each category, write the first things to come to your mind.

I am...
I can...
I have...
I try...
I need...
I hate...
I want...
I love...

I am...strong, happy, optimistic, a dancer, a good friend
I can... Laugh loudly, love loyally, play without fear, Accomplish whatever I truly want to, find meaning in the world.
I have...a loving husband, a beautiful home, more blessings than I deserve, hope for the future, and my mojo back.
I try...to be kind, compassionate fair, a problem solver, and to keep striving for the good everyday.
I need...balance in my life. Daily caffeine. To write, to dance, and to love with no holds barred. Meaningful work.
I hate...rude and inconsiderate people, especially on the road. Also when I realize I was one of those people at some point. :-(
I want...a job I can't wait to go to everyday, to make lots more art, and to help others through their pain, frustration and self-doubt
I love...myself (all of me); the doers, the dreamers, the makers, and warriors for justice in the world.
labelleizzy: (Default)
TEN things of joy... Feeling ambitious.

1) Waving g'bye to GW. *waves*

2) Breaking [livejournal.com profile] spurious_logic's brain last night when I told him that on Sunday we replaced the last things that were stolen from us in the burglary... wait for it... )

3) Test driving one of the items from number two, just a little earlier today. Thinking about writing a review. Should I?

4) Warm kitty-lap. Also, kitties curled up on me as I'm falling asleep.

5) Realizing that I probably won't get a hard-copy newspaper for today but also realizing that I won't mind THAT terribly much; more paper in a pile is a Do Not Want, even if it has very cool pictures and articles, I can prolly find over 70% published online. (CC times and SF Chron.)

6) a date to go have someone poke holes in me and my "niece", accompanied by dinner. (yes, odd that I am, I'm looking forward to that.)

7) light weight-lifting alleviates a muscle cramp. I will most likely do more of that tonight.

8) long and intense conversations with a friend who is very perceptive and trying to figure out some of HER stuff too. Perspective on situations in MY life that are helpful.

9) Chocolate in the mail.

10) Saying "no thank you" to even very nice champagne (I wasn't sure if I'd been handed a glass of non-alcoholic so I didn't drink it) with only the slightest twinge. It may be a very long time till my next drink. At least there is much joy in the rest of my life, enough so it's hard for me to say that I miss the (often dubious) pleasures inherent in alcohol.
labelleizzy: (Default)
For sufficiency, I give thanks.
For enough to share, I give thanks.
For friends who care, I give thanks.
For love and passion and sweet caresses, I give thanks.
For family and friends, I give thanks.
For a car that functions well, I give thanks.
For a job I love and which loves me, I give thanks.
For booze enough, once in awhile, I give thanks.
For living in California, I give thanks.
For health care coverage, I give thanks.
For intelligent blogs, I give thanks.
For thoughtful students, I give thanks.

For all of this and more, for everything that gives me joy or love or hope for the future, I give thanks.

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