labelleizzy: (Default)

I can be a special kinda stupid. I can look willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. Perhaps I am actually stupid, willfully ignorant, and/or inconsiderate.



That is not my intention. I try to be the opposite of those things.



Intention doesn’t matter when someone feels they have been harmed by my actions.



So I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist and gonna unpack what’s going on. It’s gonna be rough. But that’s the grown-up​ thing to do, and in a case like this, it’s irresponsible to say “I don’t wanna adult today.”



All I can do is what I can do. The only person I can change is myself.

poem

Jun. 6th, 2014 05:15 pm
labelleizzy: (forward momentum)
why is it painful to let go of unhelpful words?
perhaps these were once upon a time, protectors,
the words bookworm, nerd, gimp, weakling.
the belief that if it was hard, I wasn't meant to do it...
if I were meant to do it, t'would come naturally, surely?

i can't seem to get my glasses clean
to see my own Self in the mirror
to understand my own wingspan
or the extent of my reach
or how far I can leap

hamstrung by my blindness
the persistence of memory
self image of pale, soft, weak, fearful
but there is so much more to me
than what I used to be

Am I strong? Yes. Am I smart? Yes.
Am I capable? Yes. Am I flexible? Yes.
Am I kind? Yes.
Am I soft?

*smile* Yes, I am soft.
Soft like a pillow at naptime, and comfortable.
Soft like silk sheets, and strong like them too.

Am I brave?
Yes.
Could I write were I still fearful?
Yes, ... but I wouldn't show my heart, were I still fearful.

I don't deal in trivialities.
I want the blood, and the bone, and the sweat,
I want the gritted teeth and the grunts of effort.

I step beyond old useless protectors.
I make myself stronger from the inside
I stand strong

I do not need the deflections of nerd, gimp, weakling.

I see the world as it is and as I would have it
and I reach out my hands
to begin shaping the world
A strong, kind, smart, compassionate world

and my strong hands
will shape it

Philosophy

Mar. 9th, 2014 12:39 pm
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
Love is a verb.

It’s taken me many years to realize that intentions don’t count for much unless I actually DO SOMETHING about them. Teach. Reach Out. Help people who need it. Talk. Listen. Figure something out and then Do that thing. Make. Write. Art (yes, it’s a verb). Dance. Share something that’s important with people who matter.

Make stuff. Laugh. Sing. Enjoy where I am now. Strive toward something meaningful.

What’s next?
No idea. I’m making the map as I travel. I used to believe that everyone else had gotten the map, and I was stuck behind the door somehow, but I know better now.

We’re all on stage, improvising. Or in the workshop, building from scratch, solving problems, making mistakes and fixing them. Or writing, revising, sculpting a new shape with words on a page.

Starting from the quiet place works best for me.
Here’s a moment of quiet.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
Eighteen years ago yesterday, my dad breathed his last at around 3 am in a room in Kaiser's Morse Avenue branch in Sacramento. Mom and I got a phone call somewhere around 5. I figure now, that was when the shift change happened, and that's when a nurse discovered he'd passed. possible trigger warning for description of death circumstances )

I find myself using words and phrases he commonly used. It's a surprise almost every time. I'm mostly going grey like he did... very silver at the temples, though in the last couple of years I'm getting more salt-and-pepper scatters like my mom had.

Mom called me yesterday and told me again how much she loved me and appreciated the way we had each other's backs during his final illness, and how supportive I was as she transitioned from mother and wife to widow... "the start of her independence" she called it. And it was, no kidding, I mean after years of nursing him as he got weaker and crankier, she recovered a lot of her personal power. She really blossomed after we both did a bit of recovering from the shock. She got her master's degree, she researched real estate and bought a house on her own with the proceeds from the house we grew up in...

I did pretty well myself. Had a job for eight years as a junior high librarian. It was good work, worthy work, with a visible end-result and an obvious positive impact. Worked there from when I was 24 till I was 32. My brother was on track to graduate college in '94, I got a good job, mom had a good job, Jenny had a good job... and it's always felt like Dad sort of waited till all of us were kind of "settled" before he let go. I'm glad of that. Bit weird taking bereavement leave after only being two months in a job.

Still struggling with some of the secrets he kept and the ways he functionally lied to us about who he was and what he felt and what he had experienced as a child. Formative stuff, you know? Stuff that influenced the fact that he barely touched us growing up, for good or for ill. I didn't know I was a huggy person for 18 years basically... having a boyfriend made it okay to ask for touch, and I didn't know I'd been touch starved ... my whole life, I think.

I don't even think I can scratch the surface of explaining the depth and quality of the hole he left in my life... not only from his dying but his inability to connect to us at a heart level. He was always distant and funny and sarcastic, and you wanted his approval SO BADLY but never could figure out how to get it. THAT messed me up until only three or four years ago... He was so smart and so many people liked, even loved him. But he was adversarial with us kids, not cooperative. And Scotty, the Only Son, was the favored child. And now Scotty's dead too. (six years and two weeks ago.)

I have all these ideas of what a father "should be", you know, like ideally? And, at 42 I'm still shocked when I see dads being affectionate in public with their kids, carrying their kids or horsing around, and dads being actually tender with their child invariably makes me cry. Dammit. *wipes face* Because we really didn't get that. At least not that I can remember. I hope someday I can sit with my sister and try to get her take on how that all went down, I just remember being unbearably lonely all the time and basically hiding in my books, on the front porch or up a tree, because dad "liked to tease"...

At this point in my processing and life, at this distance, I can say that it's certain dad was hurting for most of his life. I'm pretty sure his dad hit him, it's sort of "what was done back then" but also, my grandma divorced my grandpa, in the early 50's when You Didn't Do That... She's gone too, gone since I was eleven, I can't ask her why. I'm not very close to my aunts but I would like to ask them if they knew what was going on and why Grandma left.

At this point that's all such old news it's moldering. And I do really have to do The Work based on the Here And Now. What I have is What I have. That's it. That's depressing, but that's it.

Usually What I Have is enough. I don't have quite enough resources to do anything further with Dad at this moment, so I'm just going to lay this here and leave it. My heart feels a bit flat and stony at the moment, I know that will pass though, particularly if I let myself have a good cry and go Do Other Things Instead of Brooding. Heh.

I think it might be a night for crochet and candlelight meditation. After the yoga and the groceries.
labelleizzy: (multitudes)
Finding myself lately, looking at a lot of older people. I see people with white hair and wrinkles, in athletic shoes and support hose, walking confidently or with a walker or in a wheelchair, hand in hand with a companion - a sweetie, a daughter, a son (or so I assume), or a caregiver (again I assume)...

and I realize I am indeed at middle age.

42 is a good age to be at, but I will be exceptional for my family if I live to significantly past 80.
So now is a good time, especially since I HAVE the time right now, this year, this season, to think and plan out what I want middle age to look and feel like, and to think and plan and imagine what eldering will or may look and feel like for me.

I think I need to really re-examine what I think I know about getting older, and what it will feel like from the inside. I think I am learning that a lot of assumptions I used to have about how the world worked, drove COMPLETELY off the tracks after I discovered a pagan practice, after I discovered a polyamorous lifestyle, after I realized I don't, and I can't, fit tidily into the boxes that pop culture seems to want to put everyone into.

I overflow. I am large and abundant and have way too much love and hope and earnest curiosity and quirky interests. I am not nearly sarcastic or bitter enough for "what it feels like is expected of me". I'm an idealist. I'm inclusive. I'm passionate and frequently relaxed and forgiving. I like to make things myself, to find things out myself.

I don't think we have enough dialog about what it means to leave the Youth Culture behind and move into ... what? What does it *mean* to "get older" or to "become mature" or "adult"?

Who are the models of behavior? What do we need to do to move from here to ... wherever there is? What can, what MUST we shed and leave behind to make the journey?

If I think of this process in a pagan context, I can use the five-stage model, which goes Maiden-Mother-Teacher-Warrior-Crone. (the last four steps, I feel, interchange and interweave in women's lives as we grow older and more experienced and sure of ourselves, rather than being concrete, definable stages we progress through in an orderly fashion.)

I've been through Maiden, Mother/Teacher stage (my teaching and librarianing all had a deeply maternal caretaking quality), have spent some time in Teacher/Warrior stage and want to spend more there and gain in strength and confidence. I want to return to Mother/Teacher stage as an artist, birthing words and images and inspiration... since I can't birth my children, I will find children to mother and mentor and teach; I can't "lose myself" in childrearing, so I will strive toward finding myself in artistic and community endeavor. I will find my own teachers, and worry later about Being Teacher, if I choose to return to that. Teacher/Warrior needs community, and I've let my community drift away from me for too long. If I rebuild and regrow Community for myself, I think that over time, my other needs will gradually be met: needs for people time, needs for meaningful work, needs for playful and productive connection and belonging. And my need for FUN. =)

Have been living in "stuck" mode for too long. Been struggling to do *anything* productive. I've been homecaring, and taking care of my own body. The good part of that, is that for the first time in my life, taking care of my physical self is an unconflicted, unguilted, first priority. Too many "wake up" calls about my health in the last few years.

No more "shoulds": The change is here. I *am* moving my body. I *am* finding the foods and activities that help me feel strong and healthy and good. I *am* looking to the future, to 50, 60, and yes, to 80. I'm Off The Path. I have NO idea what these years are "supposed to look like" and you know what? I don't care. I can survive in the wilderness, I can feed myself and take care of others and make all my own tools.

Not getting any younger. (in some ways, thank Gods for that!) Therefore: NOW it is time to take stock/inventory, time to truly see where I am as I descend into the season of Dionysos, into the dark and the cold, into the introspective time and the Lesser Madness. Sink my Roots. Allow myself the time to make my Tools, talk with others about the Path Ahead, laugh and eat and drink wine around the fire, love hard and plan to Do Important Things before I die.

Ripples in the pond. Are my ripples from a big ol' PLONK or are they the cascade of light, sweet rings shimmering out from a single smooth stone skipped far across the pond? I'm hoping for a many-times multiple skip with a surprising dogleg hop at the end before the splash...
labelleizzy: (hazards exist)
"The thing is, we spend too much time looking outside ourselves for what we should really be trying to find inside. But we can't seem to trust what we find in ourselves --maybe because that's where we find it. I suppose it's all a part of how we ignore who we really are. We're so quick to cut away pieces of ourselves to suit a particular relationship, a job, a circle of friends, incessantly editing who we are until we fit in. Or we do it to someone else. We try to edit the people around us.

I don't know which is worse...

...Why do we love ourselves so little? Why are we suspect for trying to love ourselves, for being true to who and what we are rather than what someone else thinks we should be? We're so ready to betray ourselves, but we never call it that. We have all these other terms to describe it: Fitting in. Doing the right thing. Getting along. ...

...But how can we expect others to respect or care for us, if we don't respect and care for ourselves? And how come nobody asks, "if you're so ready to betray yourself, why should I believe that you won't betray me as well?" "

-- from "My Life as a Bird" in Moonlight and Vines by Charles de Lint
labelleizzy: (this is it)
Recently the idea circulated round here on Livejournal to describe oneself in terms of absolute truth yet to paint what might be considered an untruthful picture of yourself as a whole.

In contemplating this idea I'm realizing that I can only think of descriptors of how I *used* to be but am no longer, or events or injuries, or choices I made, which can no longer describe the me I am now.

What am I now?

A teacher, a student, an artist. A dreamer, an idealist, a warrior for the truth. A happy homemaker. A woman with two lovers. A woman who is moving out of Mother phase but is not ready for Croning... I think Teacher and Warrior make good intermediate stages, don't you?

I am a crafter and a destroyer and a designer. I am a gardener and a keeper of the flame. I pray and I meditate and I struggle with forgiveness.

I am forgetful when I get immersed in technological storytelling. I get sucked in SO BAD by computer, TV, or phone that I try to take media-free vacation days where I don't touch any of them. This is hard though because the smartphone is soooo magnetic...

I have good intentions that I don't always follow through on. I miss my own deadlines. Yet I am still producing more and better quality projects with greater quotae of finished-ness than I have ever done before.

I get a lot done some days, and some days I do nothing at all. I'm okay with that. I quit shaming myself and beating myself up over not meeting my own or others' expectations, somewhere around five years ago. It didn't help, and it made me feel miserable.

I try to live for myself now. I try to DO a lot for others, but that's different than LIVING for others, the way I used to. I make my own goals and help my life to have rhythms that meet the goals without panicking or pushing myself, or at least not any more than a natural focus and attention to detail requires.

I love more easily. I don't tolerate drama much anymore. My ups and my downs both tend to be flatter than they once were (of course we used to be talking Himalayas and Marianis Trench, so that's actually a GOOD thing!)... and because I no longer need to wallow in my OMG SQUEE or OMG POOR ME, I do indeed Get More Stuff Done. More art, more fun things, more time with the cats and my sweeties. Soon, more time for my friends, and I can't wait!

simplification is very appealing. purging the unnecessary is very appealing, and I'm more ruthless than I ever have been. but, but I get overwhelmed by the leftovers of my former lives. Especially paper, especially in huge piles still packed up from the last move or the move before that one. so I don't deal with it for long periods of time. maybe I can trade with someone I trust: I'll go through that one box of paper for you if you will go through that box of paper for me. Save out the things that are actually useful and trash the rest.

I have tattoo plans that might surprise some people.

If I love you, live with you, and am happy and content, I will match and fold your socks in the laundry. If I'm pissed off, your socks will still be clean but you will have to turn them right side around and match them up for yourself. (I just turned a TON of socks right-side around today and matched them all up and made a pretty drawer-space for them. Today is a good day!)

Sometimes I'm a hypocrite in small ways. For instance, I will often forget to clean up after myself when working on a project, but if someone ELSE does that I get very angry. (shrug) Guess that's pretty human.

I'm working on (gently escorting) some bad habits (downstairs and out the door). Some I can't get rid of myself, so I plan to hire someone to help. Namely, a fitness/rehabilitation coach. Best advice on this: find someone my age or older who GETS what it means to rehab an injury or illness, and will listen when I say, this is my goal, how can I best and most safely achieve it?

I like to brain dump and don't always bother to come to a pretty conclusion. =)

yay.

Jul. 29th, 2010 11:02 pm
labelleizzy: (thinky thoughts)
Had another epiphany: the more stuff I get rid of cos I don't need it, the easier it is to find the stuff I DO need. I know I've had this one before, it's just really nice to know.

also: mostly ready for job interview, mostly ready for Lark camp, mostly ready to finish my homework before we leave for Lark.

I'm pretty pleased with myself, I must say.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Tonight was a special festival performance for my Waldorf teacher program.

Several of the teachers performed: Glenda did 3 eurhythmy performances, Sybilla spoke several pieces, including an adaptation of a TS Eliot piece which I want a copy of, and Christof sang, I believe operatic pieces. All performances were infused with energy, that part's not the problem.

I realized after leaving the performance space, that, to put it in pagan terms, I don't feel Waldorf all the way down into my root chakra.

And I realized something else. While this training is giving me a firm grounding in certain intellectual, emotional, and spiritual balance, the approach is entirely to Apollonian for my freaky little self.

I miss the dirty jokes and innuendo, I miss goofy word play, I miss that kind of cuttin' loose that is fun as hell when you're with the right people, or even when you're by yourself. I miss the exalted feeling I get (got) from being out in storm winds at sunset, the feeling of nature being vibrantly, even violently alive (not calmly alive) all around me.

I miss the Dionysic stream.

I am still getting loads and loads of Good Stuff (tm) from this program, and what I might end up doing ultimately, is taking the new core of calm confidence this program has been helping me to build up, and take the rest of the fearless simplification and heart-warmed thinking philosophy of meticulous care and respect and preparation, and take it to teach in the public schools anyway, like I initially thought I would. Goddess knows I can handle the Dionysic style chaos the public school classrooms often wind up coping with... Especially to work with the kids who need remedial study which I can provide.

I think I can do a beautiful job to ground the classroom and kids and provide the Safe Space so many children need in order to heal, grow, develop, and soar. I might not choose to do it in pure Waldorf, but I love Fusion art and music and cuisine and... that's much more ME anyway.

...
Still thinking thinky thoughts...

<3
labelleizzy: (music)
One homework assignment for Waldorf (and I need to work on the other assignments tomorow) was to write a song, in 3/4 time, 8 measures worth at least.

Mine's 16 measures, it's a round, it's been living in my head (not _stuck_ in my head, cos I _LIKE_ it!)
and I've been figuring out which musical notes fit the rhythm in my head for the last two days,
aaaaaaaaand,

also, tonight while driving, I heard a harmony/counterpoint to my original composition for the first time, (I don't remember being able to hold two lines of music in my head at once before this) and I came home and PLAYED THE ORIGINAL for the first time, and then I figured out how the counterpoint went, and now I can write them both down,

and
I
just
can't
believe
_I_
wrote
a
song.
labelleizzy: (Buddha think and become)
So I came to the conclusion that one of the not quite verbalized reasons I was drinking was to dull down my Weird. And maybe my Wyrd as well, but that's another post entirely...


I am also realizing that drinking dulls my Anger. And my Perception, Insight, Outrage, Frustration, Pathfinding, Desire (both in the YaGottaWanna and the Hello,Nurse! contexts...), my GitErDone, my GetOuttaDodge, just a lot of motivational feelings and urges, all dulled down.

So yeah. I'm angry. and frustrated, and outraged. I am perceptive and insightful. I have a lot of good qualities that are coming back up to the surface where I've been drowning them. Maybe for years.

I'm still trying to let this whole Paradigm shift thing work its Mojo, trying to clear the way for it without, yanno, pulling the carrots out of the ground to measure their growth...

it's partly the not drinking and partly the Waldorf practices and meditations and partly it's just TIME for another big shift. And partly cos I WANT things to change, shift, consolidate, get more concrete, get stronger, more intense, sharper, brighter, clearer.

I don't want to be dull anymore, in any sense of the word.

Continue watching this space for further developments.
labelleizzy: (fall kitty)
Yesterday I did Just Three Things that improved my life.

1) I took care of my friend MaryBeth by bringing over healthy dinner fixings for both of us and by spending time with her reading children's books and talking.

2) I went to the Rabbit Warren for their Torchwood/Doctor Who night, (though I was a bit late, sorry about that!) got to see again a TW I had seen and appreciate it on a new level, and see a Doctor Who MOVIE I was not even aware existed, so YEAH! and I may now start looking into watching Doctor Number Eight... (yay for a new fandom to explore!)

3) I started on an assignment for [livejournal.com profile] me_and_my_tarot, getting acquainted with my relatively new Universal Fantasy deck... I may have a new Significator or two... time will tell.

Today I am doing at least Three Things that will improve my life.

1) I took a shower (much needed, I hate to admit!) and then I actually lotioned with my expensive floral that I love and adore. And now that lotion is next to the shower for next time.

2) I cried when I needed to. And drank water afterward. And let myself cry again because I was still feeling the feelings.

3) I shredded, in less than 10 minutes, credit card files that included statements from 1992. Let's count shall we? credit card statements that were sixteen years old. Gonna go back and shred more today, I filled a trash bag already. I'll fill more today, we MOVED this box of "To-Shred" from our Concord house, and possibly from Vallejo.

*exhale*
*shoulders down*

I am going to cook something, do laundry, and change the sheets. And shred some more CRAP, and take the bags and boxes OUT of my house... and be a little lighter.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I forget if I've mentioned this before, but I'm remembering again something I've been learning and been having driven home lately.

There are somethings I learn fast. Facts, new words, stuff I read, individual items that can be hooked into my trivia-brain or easily attached to prior knowledge in a chain or network...

However. Yes, however much I have in the past prided myself on my ability to learn, and learn quickly, there are MANY THINGS THAT HAVE TO BE LEARNED SLOWLY AND GRADUALLY. New physical skills (bicycling, yoga, taekwondo, and remember fencing? yeah.). New thinking and concentration skills. New musical skills (yes, those in particular) MUST BE PRACTICED so they STAY.
Practiced SLOWLY AND GRADUALLY, Elizabeth, yes, you have to practice, yes, regularly, yes, it has to be a habit, yes you can do it, you need to develop the positive habits. *pats self on shoulder* You've done it before, remember how good that felt? Go find that feeling again.

Also, there are many things that cannot be simply done ONCE and then you're DONE with them.
*sigh*
No matter how many times I wash the pans that are sitting in the sink, there will be more.
Ditto laundry, ditto sweeping the floor, ditto taking out the trash, scooping the litterboxes...
Yeah, I KNOW you just DID them, they need to be done AGAIN.
*rubs eyes wearily*

Again, with regular habits built a bit at a time, huge stuff can get done. Make your habits your servants... I think that's a Franklin-Covey philosophy or quote, Habit is an excellent servant but a poor master...

*goes to look up the quote*
labelleizzy: (moon)
Was feeling pretty crappy yesterday, a combination of physical and mental effects (primarily that my "period" was more like an "!") but am feeling better today, reasonably well grounded, able to stay focused, and sending loving energy to the parts of me that are working hard to do their job.

(I'm envisioning a teeny tiny person wearing overalls who's part of a team shoveling a mudslide out of a roadway in order to allow the flow of normal traffic to commence. I'm sending warm dry socks, solid stompy boots, good grippy gloves and strong quality tools to my teeny tiny team, and I'm getting ready to send the tea-cart around and invite them to take a rest before going back to work again.)

It's amazing, though, the toxic-feeling images that were the first-ideas behind this visualization. I had to consciously pick and choose positive images, changing mental associations. This is a natural process. Not a nasty toxic clean-up, not a job whose attendants are shamed to complete it or looked on as less-than. It is something that must be done as part of the natural cycle of life, as regularly as day follows night follows day.

Framing it positively took some effort. That tells me both that I have problems and that the culture I live in has problems, with this process being a natural, "normal" part of human health.

I'm working to be more conscious of the messages I've internalized from the larger society, and to take care about which ones I now choose to consume, which ones I choose to remain part of my internal landscape.

I like the Road Crew metaphor. I think I'm keeping it.

Rob sez...

Apr. 17th, 2008 09:33 pm
labelleizzy: (handfasting)
Scorpio Horoscope for week of April 17, 2008

Verticle Oracle card Scorpio ("Precious")

It's the Week of the Fabulous Smirk. Not the Week of the Arrogant Smirk or the Vengeful Smirk or the Hateful, Whiny, Passive-Aggressive Smirk. Rather, the Smirk that Passeth All Understanding. The Wise, Charitable, Forbearing Smirk. The Uber-Smirk that says, "I've figured out what everyone's hiding, and I love them anyway." You are ready, Scorpio, to explore the Divine Smirk that arises naturally when you have outwitted an obstacle that was obscuring the truth from you; when you have finally seen through the delusion you were under and guessed the secret you weren't smart enough to see before.

< smirk >
labelleizzy: (inclusive)
Pantheacon was wonderful. I got to do some hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] battymaiden, [livejournal.com profile] ribbin, [livejournal.com profile] deedeebythebay, [livejournal.com profile] ladynanook. [livejournal.com profile] thats_ms_dragon, [livejournal.com profile] weirdodragoncat, [livejournal.com profile] inflectionpoint, [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda, [livejournal.com profile] ag_unicorn, and the kids. the kids were great. Also, ran into [livejournal.com profile] phantomdancer yesternight in the lobby and had a lovely steak dinner together.

I had a fortuitous meeting on Saturday(?) with [livejournal.com profile] qos (I mentioned her name to someone else and she was 5 feet away in the foyer!) and we had lunch. I am somewhat sad about missing her workshop at 3 today, but enjoyed chatting and getting acquainted earlier. I was just FRIED by 1 pm today.

([livejournal.com profile] mitrian, I'm sorry we didn't get to connect. *sad face* however, it was an excellent weekend.)

Highlights:

the OMG Pombagira!!
the Kali Puja
the Iron Pentacle Working with Veedub
Engaging The Warrior's Heart with Thorn Coyle
I have Runes! And snakes! and played a little with drums! (wish I'd done that more)
the Huna workshop earlier today
the concert with RJ Stewart and Kaitlin Matthews
giving away my Wisteria seedpods...
Getting Ribboned
Giving away "Love is a Verb." slips
Hail Caffeina!
Getting Henna'd and getting advice on motherhood from Renu (hugs go to her!)

-----
things to remember:

"There is no part of me that is not of the Gods" - Veedub
"All parts of me are of the Gods" - me

-----
Huna Philosophy:
Uni'hi'pi'li - Childself, childlike holds memory, connected with earth, body, physical maint.
U'ha'ne - Upperself, spirit of social interaction, spends a lot of time wanting to be loved, frequently
gives orders to Uni'hi'pi'li
Au'ma'ku'a - the Godself - work towards an alignment of the three souls.

(note to self.)
Bearcubs wrestling - biggest one almost always wins.
Waterfall flows to Lake.
Lake Dammed by network of beavers.
Bears come to drink at Lake, to hunt and fish near the Lake.

Each Bear must hunt and fish independantly in order to get skilled, in order to feed themselves and each other, and to learn how to STOP FIGHTING.

**What kinds of relationships do I form with other people?

-----

Lyrics: (Check with D and L to confirm melody)
In all of my power I open up
In all my strength I rise
In all of my power I open up
I'm reaching for the skies

Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love

also:
Commitment => Honor => Truth => Strength => Compassion => Commitment.

"What are the gods on the altar of your mind?"

Self-Possession.
Keep your Hara firm.
Find all your Parts and Love them.
Find out what you want. Start there.
Practice builds its own momentum. Do it everyday.
Till sometime it becomes more interesting to do the Work than to feed the distractions.
What is my commitment? And what am I going to DO about it?


And read more about the Iron Pentacle.
(Feri is fun but it's not my path - think they'd be AWESOME to hang out with and do Work with though - the energy is FANTASTIC.)

...OK, not so brief. *wry grin*

Lemme know if this is too long & should be behind a cut. kthxbai
*returns to lesson planning*
labelleizzy: (Default)
I heard an echo from childhood today, a memory with repercussions:

"No, not YOU!"
"It's not ABOUT you!"
"As if YOU know anything aBOUT it!"

And this is why I fell a little in love with Jeff; I said "Evanescence is a cool band, I recently heard an album of theirs..." and he downloaded everything he could find by them by the time we had our next date next week.

*jaw dropped*
You did this because _I_ said they were good?
he sort of smiled, with that one eyebrow raised and said,

"Your words have an impact, you know."






Everyday I struggle between feeling invisible versus trying to influence people's thinking.
I realized during tonight's concert that the echoes of childhood can go away now.
I will feed the wolf of kindness and consideration and of trying to do the right thing.
I will work to believe that people find my company and my time valuable and worthwhile.

And I will work toward treating myself as if I am "a keeper", worth the maintenance costs and upkeep.

A little bit every day.
A little bit every day.
A little bit more every day.

I will.
labelleizzy: (Buddha think and become)
If I don't take the time and energy to meet my own needs and take care of my self, why would I believe I could meet the needs of others?

If I don't weed out the cankerblossoms from my own soul, won't they set root and even seed out new cankers, new miseries, new heartaches? New misunderstandings?

If I don't show respect, how can I expect respect?

If I don't live the love, why would I expect love to be given to me?


***


I failed to plan. I failed to set my priorities and my plans in order to meet those priorities.
I have been failing to plan.

It is time to use the Big Brain and work out the Most Important Things and how to achieve, become, or work toward them.

I start again today.
labelleizzy: (Default)
http://www.authentichappiness.org
take the tests there.
Here's one of mine.


VIA Signature Strengths Survey

Read more... )

I highly recommend this site. Can't recommend it enough.

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