labelleizzy: (crafting)
y'all, if you've broken yourself and you still have pain, may I recommend seeing a good chiropractor?

*emphasis on GOOD*

I probably don't, almost certainly don't, see Larry often enough, given the number and range of my life of dislocations, injuries and breaks. (and they're all on the right hand side!)

Like a really thorough massage, when I go and lie on Larry's table, the end result has always been a drastic decrease in pain, drastic increase in flexibility, and an ongoing process of continuing indirect adjustments that my body does for itself after the direct treatment.

tonight I had a nice rich orgasm followed by a lovely nap, and then I was stretching around in bed as I usually do nowadays when I wake up, and two things adjusted themselves in my wrist, and my ACHILLES TENDON that's been tight and giving me grief for months and sometimes, makes me hobble really bad for an hour after I wake up.

y'all, it just went CLICK and I'm gonna test it in the morning but I think it's settled back in where it's supposed to be!

and yesterday my left shoulder just stretched forward and to the side and went CLICK and I have +15 degrees of flexibility going backwards now on both sides. just WOW.

I keep forgetting how many times I've broken this body of mine in various ways. this car wreck of NYE is the first one in memory that I didn't contribute to with some kind of impulsive action. There's a lot less, as in almost none, self blame in this case. I've just been working on healing, and healing minus blaming myself is actually not too bad at all.

but yeah. During this process I worked multiple times with medical doctors, the orthopedic doc, the physical therapist, my massage therapist, the chiropractor, and twice a week with my trainer at the gym.

healing is hard goddamn work and I'm trying like hell to not feel guilty that I have the resources and time necessary to try and heal up properly. If I were still employed in the education profession I would never have allowed myself this time energy and attention to heal as completely as I have while underemployed; that culture is hip-deep in a guilt and martyrdom complex of sacrificing yourself for the kids and I ain't about that anymore. sixteen years is plenty.

I'm healing and I refuse to feel guilty about this.

Note to self: remember the isometric stretches and counter stretches to encourage the tight places to relax.
labelleizzy: (Default)
A bunch of us who grew up touch starved developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I would like to share, please, the healthiest coping mechanism I’ve found for wanting the kind and quality of touch that I need, when I can’t get enough of it. And all it needs time, hot water, soap, and like $5.00!
Trader Joe’s Lavender Salt Scrub costs like $3.99 in store. Amazon has it listed at $15.00!! Plus shipping! Duh, don’t buy it on Amazon then…

Pretty easy to make a salt scrub at home if you don’t have a TJ’s. Olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil, or any kind of thick massage quality oil, with the same amount of non iodized salt and maybe a few drops of an essential oil. Lavender is good because it’s a natural antimicrobial, but you do you.

Exfoliating is pretty simple, it’s a bit rough on your skin till you get used to it but good grief does my skin feel amazing, soft & smooth right now, hands, arms, shoulders, legs, torso. And NOTHING ITCHES right now except for that spot I can’t reach in the middle of my back.

I like to get in the shower, wash my hair first, then turn off the water to scrub my skin. I do hands, then arms (underarms feels SO GOOD to scrub but please don’t try this just after shaving if you shave!), shoulders, boobs and torso, butt and hips, legs and feet, and face is last (and most gentle).

Then I get some soap on my scrubbie, get me and it gently wet, wipe off remaining salt and excess oil, before resoaping and washing as usual.

Many years ago, I left my ex husband, for a bunch of reasons but one of them was, that he refused to touch me in the ways I asked him to, the ways I needed. And I wrote myself a reminder:

“If nobody else is touching you in ways that you need, you need to do it for yourself.”

I forget this sometimes. It can be hard to get enough warm tight hugs, or enough neck kisses, or other things I wish I had more of and don’t seem to know how to ask for, how to get. But I can definitely treat myself on a Saturday afternoon, scrub my bod, cut my nails, do my hair.

I can do this for myself, and so can you, mostly. If this specific technique doesn’t work for you, or if you are differently-abled than I am (which is mostly able) then i encourage you to adapt.

You can still pamper yourself. You can still feed yourself in the non food ways, you can still treat yourself with kindness and gentleness (yes, for some of us it takes conscious practice, I know and realize).

Love yourself enough to care for your body, listen to what it needs, and do what you can to provide that.
I love all y'all. I finally love myself, too. (Mid forties fat cis woman.)

Take good care of each other and of yourselves, please.

#touch #deliberate touching #touch me #gentle touch #loving touch #self-care #touch starved #touch starvation #kindness #massage #exfoliating #exfoliate #exfoliante #exfoliantscrub #grooming #love yourself treatyoself
labelleizzy: (Default)
Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.

and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.
labelleizzy: (Default)
very quick post
as I need to breakfast and then hit the gym

it's uncomfortable to admit the difference between what I thought I was doing and what I was actually doing.
what I was trying to do and what my brain basically had me HAVE to do.

I'll be dropping bits here as I continue to read the adhd book from the library. But one thing I learned today is that the kinds of self-talk I've been slowly training myself out of? have NAMES. Like, you can categorize them into disasterizing, binary thinking... I wish I had the book here, I'll have to edit this later.

I'm kind of in the grief stage. Realizing how different things might have been if adhd in girls was something that they knew about when I was still in primary school or high school. But in the 80's, they had only just begun to recognize add/adhd as a thing.

it wasn't. It didn't. They didn't. I didn't.

it's so damn hard to see the back of your own head.

Not like all my work towards self knowledge is wasted, it's the foundation of the work I'm going to continue doing.

AND I think I may have helped my niece, who is my beloved magpie girl. She's showing all the signs and more of my own distraction, difficulty scheduling, keeping on task, good intentions and poor execution. Pile of failing progress report grades on recent reports from school, her parents are going YIKES

so I told my sister I'd been recently diagnosed with adhd and what I remembered from high school sounded like how I've observed my magpie girl when we've gotten to hang out. That her academic results, same=same. I just covered better, I think.

so my sister and my brother in law are looking into testing for my niece.
it's like, I'm over here Feeling All The Things about my own wasted opportunities but maybe? maybe Ainslee can be spared a lot of what I suffered through, all the shitty self-talk and self-blame.

so I'm feeling optimistic, and I have several courses of action laid out for me to follow, and that feels good.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Came to realize today that working out meets my physical needs but also my depression needs, and my ADHD needs. It meets the depression needs by giving me the endorphins. I always feel better and more cheerful after workout. Meets the ADHD needs by providing structure. Working with a trainer helps give me much needed social time/interpersonal time, and because my trainer is how she is, she provides praise readily and she provides corrections so that I'm doing things right. I always feel calm after working with her because she always tells me what I need to do to make sure I'm doing it correctly, and she praises me when I do it right so there's emotional needs that get met in the course of a workout that I wasn't even realizing.

I'm so glad I can afford this investment in my health. I'm so damn glad.
labelleizzy: (yoga)
Body has been tightening up and giving me pain. Have only had one even half-serious workout in the last month, today was my second time in the gym since before Burning Man.

I didn't task myself with making up for lost time. I climbed on the elliptical machine for 18 minutes, made a point of keeping it at a rate that raised my temperature and heartrate without making me stressed ... lunch was too close to when I went to workout, but I modified accordingly. And I was sufficiently warmed up before heading to the Gentle Yoga class, which was a LOT of what I needed. Not everything, not quite, but gave me a great workout and let me check in with all the tight places to see what they wanted. (more moving, of course!)

And there was a substitute teacher who was really quite excellent. She was kind enough to give me a good demonstration of bakasana (Crow Pose) which several friends have been practicing and posting photos of on FB and now I have a fairly good idea of what I need to do in order to have the basics down. I need a strong tight core, strong triceps, strong inner thighs... and a willingness to fall on my head while practicing this radical arm-balance.

Time to work on looking ridiculous sometimes. And since I also wanna get to the point of doing forearm, head and handstands? this is a good intermediate step, feels like to me.

so I will work on moving enough tonight that today's yoga won't make muscles too stiff, and try starting to practice the things I need tomorrow.
labelleizzy: (Pentacle)
Ground, Center, Shield
April 16, 2014 at 7:08pm
A friend elsenet asked for more information about these skills. Thought I'd save my notes here for future reference.

Have you ever been taught how to ground and center? Many folk I know who are empathic, who collect energies from around them, use the technique for energy management, it works as mood management/meditation for me also.

Let me tell you how I do it. My training involved learning about chakras, which I use, but it's not required.

quickest method of *grounding* is to use whatever visualization works best for you. Here are a few I have used.

1) hug a tree. Press your chest and face against the bark. Feel your heart full of everything that is Just Too Much, and gently push that whole tangle forward, envisioning the tree soaking it in like the earth soaks in rain, and then running down in its various strands, to the roots of the tree to disperse harmlessly into the earth.

2) Take a palm sized stone in your hand. You'll know a good stone for the purpose, it will just feel right. I hold it up next to my heart (I have two for this), and similarly to the tree-hug technique, push everything you don't need out into the stone. If you'll be using this technique often, a "quick" recharge of such a stone can involve a salt-water soaking, set it outside where the sun can bake it and the moon can shine on it for 24 hours, or bury it briefly in living earth (couple hours would do).

3a) I learned that for me, images from the classic Greek Elements work best; (part of my training and habituation). a Water grounding involves sitting quietly somewhere, and envisioning all the disturbing energies starting to gather and pool at the base of my spine, and then slowly drawing fresh "water" up through me, washing the brackish disturbing energies up and out through the top of my head, washing down the back of my head and back, to flow back into the earth.

3b) Another kind of Water grounding I find effective works when I am lying down in bed, on the floor, or on a couch, wherever I can sprawl comfortably and not feel constricted at all. Close your eyes and remember times you've floated freely in water, how your limbs feel, maybe your hair floats around you. The water laps at you with gentle waves and carries off everything you don't need, gradually, till your mind is at piece.

4) a Fire grounding might involve very intentionally feeling everything very intensely, while envisioning a fiery inferno engulfing this "fuel". Continue envisioning the fire as it dies down to low flames, to coals, to embers, to sparks, to cold ash. Then sweep your "hearth" and dig the "ashes" into your garden for fertilizer.

**oh, and slow deep steady breathing for 1, 2, 3a, 3b, throughout the exercise; 4 probably wants something closer to quick deep breaths, inhale-exhale, and the slow breaths once the fire is done.

Centering is what you do after you've grounded. The sequence is: Ground. Center. Shield.

We ground to rid ourselves of the unwanted, and to reconnect with what makes us feel clean and strong in ourselves.

Centering is the regathering of your faculties and the energies that are uniquely you. You may want to think of it as a crystallization, like compressing a diamond from coal, or like a hug, but a hug that encompasses your whole body in a gentle loving pressure. I sort of feel my bones more strongly in where they are, and my spine gets straighter, my feet more flat on the floor if I'm sitting in a chair.

Shielding is just what it sounds like. You develop your own meditation that feels like shielding yourself from anything you don't want.

Some people may visualize that as walls. Some as a mirrored bubble, or an invisibility cloak. Or perhaps a suit of armor, or a kevlar superhero suit. Mine is lighter than any of those, because I want energy to be free to move in and out, but to select AGAINST the kind of energy I don't want to have in my system. Selective deflection, if you like. Maybe a bit like Diana Prince's bracelets. *grin*

Fortunately I now live a life where I don't have to shield very often. (this wasn't always the case, and I didn't always know how to ground, or center, or shield. *wince*)

But grounding, if you practice, starts to become intuitive. Jewelry can ground me, or ornamental stones (OMG hematite and bronze work SO well for me!), or just patting a tree trunk or the wall of my house. Cats can help me ground, so can exercise. My own bones ground me. You can ground in other people, as long as consent is present. I channel for friends in this way occasionally.

Please let me know if you have any questions or if any of this is unclear. I've run into several reputable pagan authors who describe the process similarly; I can check my library for recommendations if you would like.

Peace be with you.

NOTE: You may use these notes freely yourself, If you share them please make certain to include credit.

labelleizzy: (i dance)
Yesterday was a busy day full of movement!

Started my day with a workout, me, Tal, and [ profile] tshuma, and it went well, I think. I keep forgetting that I've become, actually, kind of strong. It's fun when a workout that makes me sweat a bit doesn't leave me sore afterwards. Good chat with [ profile] tshuma and [ profile] angelkatharine afterwards in the locker room.

Home for a quick lunch with Jeff, we split the leftover pasta-cheese-salami-veggies salad before I headed out to have a chiropractic adjustment done.

Here's how it goes. Larry and I chat for a bit about what's going on physically. He has me lie faced down on the table, which is articulated to do various kinds of adjustments. He puts one wedge under my right hip and another under my left thigh, and a hot pack/hot towel on my back. He does several kinds of myofascial pressure point releases around my hips and glutes. At that point I start to feel kind of stoned, actually, between the heat and the releases. Very relaxing.

Then he does several small adjustments using the table, and my goal is to maintain the relaxation so he can do the work of the adjustments. After the small adjustments he did some more dramatic adjustments at my hip/sacroiliac joint, and after that settled in he checked the mid-back stiffness caused by a friend hugging me and "cracking my back" a lifetime or three ago, and did a bit of adjustment there. The final stage is I roll over onto my back, and he helps me stretch those lower back muscles and glutes with an assisted/resistance stretch. It was a damn good follow up to the workout.

After seeing Larry, I ran an errand then home, did some writing and reading and got some dinner up using leftovers components, and at 7 I went back into town and got cash so I could go to 5 rhythms dance class! and I danced for something like three hours and I basically STOPPED THINKING AT ALL for that whole time. Just moved. That was amazing. I was a little worried about how the adjustment would incorporate with that kind of moving... but I havent been to dance for ... three months at least. Haven't been since before I started with the diabetes meds and blood tests. (!)

Dancing was *great* but I also received several really lovely heartwarming welcome hugs. Gosh.
I knew I needed it but it's one thing to know you need something and something else to have it offered up to you. That was WONDERFUL. People were really glad to see me! (wow, what?)

I am sore today, some from the dancing (ow my feet) and some tenderness probably from all three things I was active in doing yesterday, It's a good thing though. A little discomfort is a lovely reminder that I'm really and for true LIVING in my body and using it.

Time to go make some things! I'll see about posting photos when I am done...
labelleizzy: (inherent worth and dignity)
I've been writing these posts for about a year now, I believe. (correction: since April 2012, so 18 months or so)
I have had difficult time rebuilding a fitness habit since I damaged my leg taking TaeKwonDo in 1998. It was the first time I could remember in my life where my whole body felt strong, balanced, powerful. My feelings about fitness and strength got very complicated after that injury, for various reasons. As feelings often are the motivation for actions...

Well. Due to the Waldorf teacher training, I shored up the foundation of my emotional life, started to take better care of my health, discovered my knee was indeed borked. Had surgery two years ago to replace my ACL, and worked to build my strength up in "pre-hab" and also in re-hab...

I started this 100 things series, like a lot of people did, to write many posts about something that interested me. But I had a sneaky second reason.

I was writing with much more regularity than I was exercising.
So I decided to chain the two habits together.
The one motivated the other, you know? I had an excellent excuse to write, IF I got off my duff and got out or got to the gym. It did work, and I wrote a lot about how I was changing, what body part hurt the most this week and why I thought that was, my hopes and dreams and goals for the whole endeavor, and so on.

But this post today, is because I have realized that I now... I just GO to the gym.
I've successfully built a habit that I wanted to build, and I am seeing remarkable results. I am SO much STRONGER than I once was. Body looks better, functions better, than it has in nearly 20 years.

Building for the future, me. And I'm glad to be doing it for ME (and for Jeff... Keeping up with a younger man can sometimes be *ahem* arduous) and not to fit into a wedding dress or to please someone else.

The other habit I'm proud of building, over the last few years, is the habit of speaking to myself with kindness, of touching my body with kindness. I noticed, today at the gym, gently massaging my tight shoulder and tight knee, that I was speaking gently and encouragingly to my body, moving slowly and gradually stretching as well as I could without judging... "There now, you can do this... It's okay, breathe... Relax, honey... There you go!"

I had to teach myself so much of this. Respect for the body, love of self, valuing self, and what self can do, what bodymind can do together... *wry* was not in the toolbox we got at my house growing up.

So now, having freshly turned 44, it feels as though I have a baseline of fundamental self confidence and physical strength that some lucky bastards have by the time they finish their teens.

Gonna keep moving, keep building strength, enjoy this being embodied thing, spread joy and help out where I can.

Okay. Step out in faith and Get Some Shit Done, now I've got the tools.
labelleizzy: (yoga)
Having a few thoughts about this fitness journey.

1. It feels weird doing "self-care" at all, but "self-care that involves moving my body", I only have one model for in my childhood, not from my own childhood, but from fiction: The Secret Garden by wosshername... I'll remember it in a bit. I don't have a lot of "moving feels good" memories from when I was a child, most of them happened when I was alone and exploring the capabilities of my body... I used to hold my breath for ages... stand on my head for long minutes at a time just for the hell of it... swim for hours in the pool.

So moving now, because it feels good and makes me feel BETTER when I DO IT? well. It's kinda revelatory.

2. On THAT note, yoga today ROCKED. My first yoga class since just before the knee surgery, so about ten months. It was just the right amount of gentle and the right amount of challenge for where I am. My right hipflexor and right outer thigh were cramping during a mildly challenging pose, it's a good indicator that I still have work to do to balance out the damage and imbalance from years of a broken ligament. Okay. It's data, I can work with it.

I do want to do some kind of workout and weight training earlier in the day before having a formal yoga class again next week, I was wobbly-as-heck during the balance poses (Tree was particularly difficult) and I do seem to have better balance when my muscles are warm and loose. So that's something else to bear in mind.

3. Lots of the body feels better now. Very exciting to feel warm and stretched even three hours after the workout. And my heel doesn't hurt either, thanks for the advice on that, [ profile] blacksheep_lj! Hips and side muscles need more work and stretching, shoulders and the under-behind of the shoulders still need to be stronger and more flexible.

4. Got a date with a massage therapist on Thursday, I can't WAIT... saw him two weeks ago and he worked wonders on my neck (the airline cable previously mentioned) when paired with a nice hard workout just after the massage (only I think I will try to do it just before the massage this time and compare the results)... Hips and calves and neck again, I think. This time I get a 90 minute session and I think we can do really good work... he had an excellent delineation technique where he got into several of the tiny neglected support and balance muscles very deeply, and it was just incredibly therapeutic.

5. Food in my house is phenomenal right now. I'm so blessed and lucky. Brand new lasagna and fresh green salad last night (and sooo much leftovers), leftover red peanut curry, seafood pasta salad, and the go-to sandwich fillings just feed me right. I love [ profile] eeyore42's cooking...

that's all I have for right now. I can't wait to have a regular yoga practice again!
labelleizzy: (strong)
Ultimately today was good. Found out what I needed to so the car can be fixed (I popped a side mirror off, backing out in a rush), wrote once today already, worked out at the gym for 90 minutes and really challenged myself. 100# on the leg press, double and single leg work both, 22 minutes on recumbent bike, 20 on various weights including pectoral machine for the first time (that was direfully needful!) Also 20 minutes on treadmill, front, backwards and sideways, and about 20 minutes of a gentle sort of yogish floor stretching.

Feeling like I have some muscles again. It's nice. Been awhile. (Grinning)

And then I went for a cheap pedicure. Purple toes for sandal season, people! This pleases me.
labelleizzy: (strong)
Got to the gym yesterday. 20 minutes bicycling, and at least that much on the weight machines. Am avoiding the quad and hamstrings machines till I get my Orientation session and can ask one who knows how to properly adjust the machines so I don't do anything that has potential to hurt my knee.

Must sign up for regular check ins with a trainer so I develop muscles in a balanced way. And while I have learned a lot down the years about how my body works and how to address its needs, this is a time to work with an expert.

Working out improves my mood and helps me get stuff done, it's a bit like the momentum you build when running or biking down a slope while approaching an uphill...get a little extra traction on The Next Thing.

Feeling a bit under the weather today. Going to strive to do the right thing, the kind thing, as much as possible today.
labelleizzy: (hazards exist)
"The thing is, we spend too much time looking outside ourselves for what we should really be trying to find inside. But we can't seem to trust what we find in ourselves --maybe because that's where we find it. I suppose it's all a part of how we ignore who we really are. We're so quick to cut away pieces of ourselves to suit a particular relationship, a job, a circle of friends, incessantly editing who we are until we fit in. Or we do it to someone else. We try to edit the people around us.

I don't know which is worse...

...Why do we love ourselves so little? Why are we suspect for trying to love ourselves, for being true to who and what we are rather than what someone else thinks we should be? We're so ready to betray ourselves, but we never call it that. We have all these other terms to describe it: Fitting in. Doing the right thing. Getting along. ...

...But how can we expect others to respect or care for us, if we don't respect and care for ourselves? And how come nobody asks, "if you're so ready to betray yourself, why should I believe that you won't betray me as well?" "

-- from "My Life as a Bird" in Moonlight and Vines by Charles de Lint
labelleizzy: (creating yourself)
I used to feel like I was only of service to the world when I was doing something useful for other people.
I have been uncomfortable about and procrastinated on tasks that were "only" useful to me or that took care of me only, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually.

I'm learning how to value taking care of myself, getting water, good food, exercise, and enough social or spiritual time to nourish myself and keep from feeling lonely.

Has this been true in your life? or if someone you love acts like this, can I get an AMEN?
labelleizzy: (green path)
I'm about to embark on a three week intensive journey deep into the landscape of Waldorf.

I may or may not see and talk to y'all for the duration, I probably won't have time & energy to read LJ.

Here's the schedule: Oh, and did I mention my car needs a new radiator as of yesterday? BAH...

  • This upcoming weekend: Still have classes in San Rafael, with its particular soul-quality and load of homework requirements
  • Daily during the first week: Drive from Mountain View to Santa Cruz, and back.
  • Spend most of the day intensely observing, and breathing in/living the culture of the 4th grade classroom and the whole school.
  • First weekend: Still have classes in San Rafael, with its particular soul-quality and load of homework requirements
  • Second week: Daily drive to Santa Cruz etc, except I should be actually assisting in the class
  • Second weekend: I get the weekend off from my Waldorf classes to prep for my actually teaching a Waldorf class during the week. *inhale* *exhale* I can do this.
  • Second weekend: Am currently planning a visit to the Nova Albion Steampunk event in Emeryville. Not sure I can pull this off; let's see how heavy the workload and prep time are.
  • Third Week: Daily Drive to Santa Cruz etcetera, AND I'll be teaching the main lesson, on a totally new subject from what I've been observing. Whoa. AND it's something I only just learned myself, in my last Waldorf weekend class, AND I'll have to present it in a way that's appropriate for fourth grade Waldorf students, which I am not yet sure how I will do this.


Short answer: I'ma be busy, and none of it, unfortunately, brings a paycheck. I'll be hermiting hard, practicing self care, and getting as much sleep and water as possible.

Still, I Love you all, send me an email if you wanna talk to me, or give me a phone call.
labelleizzy: (Default)
as seen on [ profile] apocalypticbob's Livejournal.

15 years ago I was 25. That was the "existential birthday" because after 25, I hadn't imagined at all what my life would be like. I had detailed expectations for every year up till 25, then 26? No clue what I should be doing with myself. Interesting, I haven't thought of that in a long time.

At 25, 15 years ago, I was back living at home with my mom. My dad had just died, about 6 months earlier. We were living in a house we rented, very near to the school that she worked at (also my old junior high). Our house had a little cement and stones waterfall-pond in the backyard, and mom spent hours dredging out that pond, shortly after we moved in. We wanted to put some goldfish in it. We discovered, once it started raining, why it needed mud dredged out of it: the rest of the yard was on a slight upslope, and the dirt from the lawn and garden flowed down hill when the waterlogged dirt... yeah. =) I loved that yard: spending time watching the fish, practicing kata on the back porch. I had just started the librarian job in the Grant district, was doing taekwondo at the community college, and feeling physically strong for the first time in my life. Emotionally, not so strong, though.

Advice for the Me of Fifteen Years Ago: (Granted if I had taken it I wouldn't be where I am today:)

* Gods, DITCH Francis already. He's not emotionally available, he's sarcastic and unsupportive, his parents are clutterholics, and so is he. He wants to keep everything the same. This is not a relationship that will help you to grow.

* Keep up with the Taekwondo. But: find a mentor who you feel comfortable going to for help in breaking down complicated moves, find someone who you can ask stupid questions of, regularly (and get used to asking uncomfortable, stupid questions). Practice jumping kicks at home, and ask for specific drills involving falling and getting over the fear of falling. And if this Do-jang doesn't do that, find another class to take, because it was the fear of asking for help/looking foolish and the fear of falling and hurting yourself that caused the knee-sprain. Twice.

* When you realize after about a year that you are still PISSED at dad for dying and everything else, give a call to that 800 number for employee mental health, and find someone to talk to about this, keep calling till you find someone. It's not natural nor good for you to be angry for six years and to be unable to remember any of the good things about your father. Also, that headspace puts you as a good match for another emotionally unavailable, sarcastic first husband. =( Talking to people is a Good Thing, and asking for help, well, you won't get help unless you do, and you won't know if you'll get help UNTIL you do ask, so talk to people.

* In that same vein, say yes more often to social events with people you like and who like you. It's good for you and builds your self-esteem and the friendships with those people as well. (The number of social events I flaked on, to have a date with a boy who didn't really make me happy...!)

* Make more stuff. Actually USE your craft supplies, you'll be sorry you didn't. Make gifts for friends and family, even if you "don't think it's good enough". The pillow that Scotty saved the dog's hair to stuff? Make that first. =(

* Do more professional development in the librarian gig, and find more ways to interact with the kids. Follow up on the mobile mini-library idea for classroom projects. Pick the brains of the English and history teachers more. Go do social stuff with Sandy and Cathy and ask Regina and Sharon out to tea. Knowing smart, experienced, older ladies is Good. Also, look into academic counseling at Sac State, you won't finish the teaching credential your first time through, but they'll understand, what with dad dying. They might be able to help you stay on track or find support services, bereavement counseling, stuff like that.

* Call your brother more. Find out more about his life, his girlfriend Sarah, have him tell you more tacky fraternity stories and explain why his fraternity was so important to him. Ask him about the trip to Hawaii, and about coaching his baseball team. Find a way to get down there and go out to dinner with him and Sarah.

* Call your sister more. Even awkward conversation is better than no conversation. Get to know Matt, and you and Jen can learn ways to support each other, and to support mom (and Scott) as well, through the grieving period. (I don't have any memories of spending time with my sister during the first year after dad died. I may be misremembering but yeah.)

* Try casual dating, and dates-with-friends. Also, dates-with-self. Strengthen the muscles of independence and self-sufficiency.

* I'd say "purge the clutter" or "get rid of the crap" but I know the crap is a security blanket that isn't going anywhere till you feel better about yourself. In addition to working on your social skills and other crafty things, try going to Al-anon, and hell, learn more about being an Adult Child of Alcoholics. Fran gave you that book because she recognized where you were, even if you didn't. Believe her. Try a meeting.

* Learn to give yourself manicures and pedicures. Seriously, you ARE worth the effort to learn to do such small things that make you happy, make you feel pretty.

* Hug your mom more. Take her along when you go out to walk the dog. Talk to her more, ask for stories of your dad from college and when they were early dating.

* Take your mom out on social events as often as she will let you. She was very very lonely for a very long time, even married to your dad and with you kids and the social life she did have... and she was primary caretaker of your dad during his final illness, even if you helped. She deserves some good times with loving, friendly people, and she won't meet them on her own for over 10 years. Help her out, it'll help you out as well.

* Enjoy the pagan community you're on the verge of joining. Talk with those folks more often, they'll be good for you. Read the books they recommend, seriously, READ them. All the way through. And read some more original sources, too, and as much other mythology as you can lay your hands on. This will be more fun and more useful than getting lost in crappy romance novels. They're good people. If you have to be shy, be shy, but ask them about themselves, learn more about who they are, how they problem solve, and the obstacles they've had in their own lives. This will help you problems-solve, and overcome your own obstacles, and again, give you confidence in your friendship-building skills, coincidentally more friends as well. =)

* Just so you know, you are sexy, and there are often people who think you are cute and want to see more of you. Don't grip so hard onto a relationship because you are worried no more are going to come around. There is enough, you have enough, you are enough. Feed yourself before you feed EVERYBODY else around you. You know about being alone, it hurts but it's not the worst pain ever.

* BTW, the worst pain ever? It's yet to come. You will handle it, and you will learn what you're made of, and it will open your eyes to who and what you are, where you are, and what your path is. It's a kind of birth. Remember that, and treat it as such.

* Be honorable, and be honest. Live by those two rules as much as you can, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.

... If you like, write a letter to the Yourself of Fifteen Years Ago, (assuming you're old enough to have figured out some life-lessons to share with that Yourself), and share with me.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I so often forget such a simple mood enhancer as putting a cd on.
(no, my ipod docking station/speakers aren't unpacked. Maybe someday!)

Irish dance music with an excellent hand-drum rhythm section. No, it's not a bodhran, no, I'm not sure how I know, I just know.

simple food for dinner - oven baked fries and a buffalo burger. Yes, I should eat some vegetables. I can't bring myself to care right now. And that's okay. Sometimes you just have to eat your comfort food.
labelleizzy: (Default)
TEN things of joy... Feeling ambitious.

1) Waving g'bye to GW. *waves*

2) Breaking [ profile] spurious_logic's brain last night when I told him that on Sunday we replaced the last things that were stolen from us in the burglary... wait for it... )

3) Test driving one of the items from number two, just a little earlier today. Thinking about writing a review. Should I?

4) Warm kitty-lap. Also, kitties curled up on me as I'm falling asleep.

5) Realizing that I probably won't get a hard-copy newspaper for today but also realizing that I won't mind THAT terribly much; more paper in a pile is a Do Not Want, even if it has very cool pictures and articles, I can prolly find over 70% published online. (CC times and SF Chron.)

6) a date to go have someone poke holes in me and my "niece", accompanied by dinner. (yes, odd that I am, I'm looking forward to that.)

7) light weight-lifting alleviates a muscle cramp. I will most likely do more of that tonight.

8) long and intense conversations with a friend who is very perceptive and trying to figure out some of HER stuff too. Perspective on situations in MY life that are helpful.

9) Chocolate in the mail.

10) Saying "no thank you" to even very nice champagne (I wasn't sure if I'd been handed a glass of non-alcoholic so I didn't drink it) with only the slightest twinge. It may be a very long time till my next drink. At least there is much joy in the rest of my life, enough so it's hard for me to say that I miss the (often dubious) pleasures inherent in alcohol.


Jan. 14th, 2009 08:14 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
Another Joy...

I heard ANOTHER counterpoint to the round I've got. *grin* I'll stop at three "voices" this time, because Dorit said "sanguines" tend to over-do the assignment... but I enjoy over-doing this one!


A Good Day at work. Leslie and David (the co-ministers) are so explicitly glad to have me there working in the office, I think Leslie has thanked me an average of twice for each day I've worked. It's so nice to be wanted.


one LONG nap when I came home, waking up to find my sweetie in his sexay new glasses trudging through/staring at a particular problem that's been bedevilling him for about a month... and then I suggested he go write stuff down and get it out of his head, and he DID. Walked past the office 10 minutes later smelling that whiteboard marker chemical smell, and he'd hauled the white board out, dumped his brain, and started playing piano for awhile. I love being helpful.


I got to eat the OTHER leg of the rotisserie chicken. MMM, tasty dark meat. I got to eat the first leg at lunch.

so yeah. Life is good.

BTW, I love watching the Joy Photo meme going around (thanks [ profile] simplykimberly for shining up my day with that meme, and thanks [ profile] ef2p for the Daily Photo meme as well) but despite being a visual learner, I just am not addicted to photos. Someday though I want to get the hang of uploading photos, I have a few good ones trapped on the digital camera.


labelleizzy: (Default)

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