labelleizzy: (Default)
Today is going to be a tough day, internally/emotionally.
Food tastes like ashes and I'm kind of numb.

Just need to remember to breathe and to do the rest of the good things that get me through the day.

*hugs* if they're wanted.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
it didn't feel like being crabs in a bucket
too lonely an experience for a plural metaphor.

though definitely there was a dragging down experience:
  • anything exceptional
  • anything experimental
  • anything that broke the status quo

I expected we'd be raising each other up
not pulling someone back to toe the line
I expected us all to reach for the stars
not speak only when spoken to

I didn't realize my teaching internship
landed me in a diploma-mill
churning out inferior product
with very few value-add options

Should I have known better?
I didn't.
I have always been too trusting.

I was sent into the trenches
to build bridges with cardboard
and I was guilty when the bridges failed.

when I asked for lumber they said
"There's no budget for that
You'll have to find that yourself."
And some of them smirked.

I was a hero
but I couldn't see it
all I could see was
muddy trenches and disrespect
for miles in every direction

and when I was discharged
grateful and ashamed
I took my papers and went away
glad and sorrowful
that I was too soft for these wars.

I tend my garden on this faraway hillside
watch the struggle from a distance
climb the cliffs seeking perspective -
and maybe some new way to stop the war.

(this is my entry for this week's [ profile] therealljidol.)
labelleizzy: (love revolution)
Feelings are just feelings. They aren't the same as reality, and they will change.

Fear will blow past you, through you, let it go.
Sadness will drain down and out, let it go.
Worry, you can move forward and leave behind, let it go.

The best solution is occupation: DO SOMETHING. The feelings will do what they do, and then they will go away.

And then you will be there, having done something useful, and feeling better.

This too shall pass, and you will be okay again.

labelleizzy: (frustration)
Need to get something off your chest?
Holding on to a secret you need to let go of?

[ profile] shadowwolf13's Confessional Box is Open.

Shadow's screening all comments and allowing anonymous posting, so you can leave stuff safely if you want to.

Oubliettes work better when they are OUTSIDE my own head.

labelleizzy: (Default)
That thorough and detailed massage is paying off.
I can cross my legs, with ankle on knee, without the tension in my hips dragging my leg off my knee. That hasn't happened in years.
My calves are very very sore, both due to Danniel's myofascial work and the (possibly excessive?) amount of warming up and stretching that I did on the stairs after the massage.
I can touch my arm to my ear, even cold and un-warmed up as I am now, and I couldn't before that massage.

I do need to go back to the gym today, both from the must-continue-in-this-helpful-trend way and from the mood-lightening way. I am feeling pretty depressed and thin at the edges today, dried-out and not juicy at all.
Lonely. *shrug*
Struggling to get something new done on the job hunt front, though I think I have something interesting I can do to revamp my resume in a completely new way. I haven't done a complete structural redesign in ... well, since 2004. Okay.

I got stuff to do, and if I'm going to be lonesome anyway, I might as well be productive, too. That will at the least help in stomping the brain weasels, I can't be "useless" if I'm DOING stuff.


labelleizzy: (Default)
Realizing today that I've a need to move some folks around, and am adding some people to filters about specific subjects dear to my heart; also I've friended some new people, people who might want to read some of my posts I'm not aware they're interested in reading.

After I adjust the filters, I'll do test posts. OK?

[Poll #1784744]

Thank you for your feedback!
labelleizzy: (Default)
I did Two Hard Things That Were Hard today.

One was to wake up after a night of almost no sleep to initiate an emotionally difficult conversation.

Two was to keep my mouth shut at a time later on when responding as my first impulse demanded, would've made things worse.

Here is where I say the thing that may get me in trouble : I fucking DO want a cookie. After doing Hard Things That are Hard? Yes, I want to hear a "good job" or a "thank you" or "I appreciate your efforts" BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.

Similarly I will never get tired of hearing someone I respect tell me I'm pretty, they love me, they're proud of me, I said something that made them think or laugh, BECAUSE THAT also IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.


I give myself EXPLICIT PERMISSION to want that cookie. Explicit permission to attract that cookie, to find safe people whom I might ask for a cookie, to feel my sadness and my rage about growing up without any fucking cookies.

Because also I was taught growing up, both directly and by example, that there Are. No. Cookies! for you, and no matter how hard you try to be worthy of one, to work for one, to ask or to suffer because you want (or need!) a 'cookie'? You get NOTHING.

Fuck that shit.
I'm in charge. Y'all, I grew up, and now I make a choice.

I make cookies every fucking day, you know? and I give them out to friends and lovers and strangers I have just met. I make them by the bushel. There ARE enough cookies.

Sometimes I make cookies just because i can. I have what i need to make them and i just do it. Other times i know I am wanting to please people because I still crave approval and a smile is as good as a cookie. I'm okay with that.

And sometimes? Sometimes, (I am *such* a subversive! ) sometimes I *actually* make cookies that are just for me. Exactly what I want and need in that moment.

And then I have what I need.

Some days I run out of cookie ingredients altogether. Days like that suck horribly because it's scary and flattening. I'd say I'm lucky because that happens pretty rarely, after 11 years of learning how to make and share and ask for a cookie. I have good cookie makers around me all the time now. There's a reason for that.

I. Am. Allowed. To. Want. A. Cookie.

So, for that matter, are you.

Here endeth the lesson.

Posted via LjBeetle
labelleizzy: (Default)
I so often forget such a simple mood enhancer as putting a cd on.
(no, my ipod docking station/speakers aren't unpacked. Maybe someday!)

Irish dance music with an excellent hand-drum rhythm section. No, it's not a bodhran, no, I'm not sure how I know, I just know.

simple food for dinner - oven baked fries and a buffalo burger. Yes, I should eat some vegetables. I can't bring myself to care right now. And that's okay. Sometimes you just have to eat your comfort food.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Last night I got, as a friend of mine used to say, Thwacked With The Salmon Of Wisdom... cos some of us don't get to eat the salmon, and that's just how it goes.

I have to find a Professional Fisherman who can supply me with Salmon-Thwacks until I learn better how to fish for my own Learned Fish. a bit discouraged. Have a lot of stuff to work on: need to raise the bar from Calendaring to Logistics (which is more complicated, of course); need to Time Manage so I get all my homework done before class (I'm wayyyy behind now), and I need to seriously re-engage in the Job Search.

I want to crawl into a cave, or go do EVERYthing else other than what I need to do. But I can't afford to get distracted, somehow I just lost 2 hours (though I did finish my project for Saturday's class).

Would I "manage my time" better if I had a job? A regular routine? You bet your bippy I would.

(GODS I hate jobhunting.)

Gonna go eat lunch and get done what I need to.
labelleizzy: (sad)
I'ma digress for a moment before getting to my point - heh, like that surprises anyone but me...

There's this book I decided to leave on my work-desk, called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all Small stuff." It's like this collection of short essays about stress, philosophy, relaxing, doing the things in your life that you value?


so the almost first essay makes this point. which is, like that old story about how nobody, on their deathbeds, wishes they'd spent more time in the office... but this author phrases it differently... "your inbox will never be empty"... he says. that's the point of an inbox. and how if you get sick, leave that job, retire, die, whatever, that inbox will always have stuff in it, and it's like near-madness to expect that you will ever... have a perfectly clean kitchen 24/7 when you have an infant, or a perfectly clear desk as an english teacher...

on the way home from work today I took care of my late fines at the video store and picked up my favorite "fairy tale". Ladyhawke. So you could say I took 2 things out of my inbox and did them, since I'll show some pieces of Ladyhawke tomorrow to show the drama kids a "fractured fairy tale."

was going to take a nap when I got home, but my husband said, "you have to listen to the message on the machine. I think you also have a message on the cellphone. I think it's important."

so I do. and it's my mom, and she sounds a little worried-frazzled-upset from the get-go...
and my cousin Jeff, the Nice Guy, big ol' bear of a dude who I always liked, and there really was never a reason NOT to call him and hang out, I just never did... there were complications after his surgery for testicular cancer...

mom says he was great, upbeat, perky for several days after the most recent surgery, but that I think yesterday, he started to experience breathing problems. She doesn't know if it was maybe a blood clot in the lung or what, but he's gone now.

My inbox isn't empty. It won't be.
his inbox isn't empty.

that doesn't help.


I'm glad I have a movie to show for tomorrow.


Oct. 2nd, 2007 07:13 pm
labelleizzy: (happy family)
I've been thinking about my brother a lot the last few days. Nothing like the onset of fall for remembering; to me the crisp cool weather and the grey skies just trigger sad, thoughtful retrospection.

Mom called tonight.

She said that Sarah, Scotty's wife, has made the decision to scatter Scotty's ashes and did it early early early yesterday morning. One factor was that Judy, Sarah's mom, was due to return to her own home, after an extended visit of support and love.

Another factor was that, for Sarah, it just felt right.

Mom reinforced in the phone call with Sarah and Judy earlier today, that it was Sarah's call, that while Jen and mom and I might have had our opinions and wishes, Sarah knew what he'd wanted, and that's exactly what she did.

you have three guesses as to where Sarah went yesterday morning at 5 am to scatter Scotty's earthly remains.

Read more... )

Rest in peace, Coach.
labelleizzy: (sad)
Parking lot meetings are sometimes quite productive. One at work for about half an hour with Karen, I think I helped her sort her thoughts out...

and tonight at the Safeway, the fella who helped me take the groceries out to the car has a son whose cancer is rare and getting worse. I realized for like, a split second, that I was tempted to one-up the guy (I definitely thought 'Scotty's was worse, was rarer, was...' - then I shut that inner voice up). That wasn't my role, that wasn't my job. For whatever reason, this guy confides in me, and he's moved here from Texas with his Pipefitters' pension, to try and take care of his 44 year old son who promised that "hey, dad? would you come out and stay with me, I promise if you do, I'll get better"... and he's like, 60 exactly, (he was 16 when his son was born) and I don't think he tells people what's going on with him, very often.

I shut up. I listened and made listening noise and eye contact. I told him I was going to pray for him, and I did.

and I called my mom tonight because I have been thinking of my dad and brother a lot the last week or so and I needed to talk to her. It was a good thing.


labelleizzy: (Default)

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