labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (inclusive)
Pantheacon was wonderful. I got to do some hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] battymaiden, [livejournal.com profile] ribbin, [livejournal.com profile] deedeebythebay, [livejournal.com profile] ladynanook. [livejournal.com profile] thats_ms_dragon, [livejournal.com profile] weirdodragoncat, [livejournal.com profile] inflectionpoint, [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda, [livejournal.com profile] ag_unicorn, and the kids. the kids were great. Also, ran into [livejournal.com profile] phantomdancer yesternight in the lobby and had a lovely steak dinner together.

I had a fortuitous meeting on Saturday(?) with [livejournal.com profile] qos (I mentioned her name to someone else and she was 5 feet away in the foyer!) and we had lunch. I am somewhat sad about missing her workshop at 3 today, but enjoyed chatting and getting acquainted earlier. I was just FRIED by 1 pm today.

([livejournal.com profile] mitrian, I'm sorry we didn't get to connect. *sad face* however, it was an excellent weekend.)

Highlights:

the OMG Pombagira!!
the Kali Puja
the Iron Pentacle Working with Veedub
Engaging The Warrior's Heart with Thorn Coyle
I have Runes! And snakes! and played a little with drums! (wish I'd done that more)
the Huna workshop earlier today
the concert with RJ Stewart and Kaitlin Matthews
giving away my Wisteria seedpods...
Getting Ribboned
Giving away "Love is a Verb." slips
Hail Caffeina!
Getting Henna'd and getting advice on motherhood from Renu (hugs go to her!)

-----
things to remember:

"There is no part of me that is not of the Gods" - Veedub
"All parts of me are of the Gods" - me

-----
Huna Philosophy:
Uni'hi'pi'li - Childself, childlike holds memory, connected with earth, body, physical maint.
U'ha'ne - Upperself, spirit of social interaction, spends a lot of time wanting to be loved, frequently
gives orders to Uni'hi'pi'li
Au'ma'ku'a - the Godself - work towards an alignment of the three souls.

(note to self.)
Bearcubs wrestling - biggest one almost always wins.
Waterfall flows to Lake.
Lake Dammed by network of beavers.
Bears come to drink at Lake, to hunt and fish near the Lake.

Each Bear must hunt and fish independantly in order to get skilled, in order to feed themselves and each other, and to learn how to STOP FIGHTING.

**What kinds of relationships do I form with other people?

-----

Lyrics: (Check with D and L to confirm melody)
In all of my power I open up
In all my strength I rise
In all of my power I open up
I'm reaching for the skies

Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love
Open to power
Reach for love

also:
Commitment => Honor => Truth => Strength => Compassion => Commitment.

"What are the gods on the altar of your mind?"

Self-Possession.
Keep your Hara firm.
Find all your Parts and Love them.
Find out what you want. Start there.
Practice builds its own momentum. Do it everyday.
Till sometime it becomes more interesting to do the Work than to feed the distractions.
What is my commitment? And what am I going to DO about it?


And read more about the Iron Pentacle.
(Feri is fun but it's not my path - think they'd be AWESOME to hang out with and do Work with though - the energy is FANTASTIC.)

...OK, not so brief. *wry grin*

Lemme know if this is too long & should be behind a cut. kthxbai
*returns to lesson planning*
labelleizzy: (Default)
I am hearing good things from my f-list about what people want to accomplish, achieve, or change in this new year.

After reading what [livejournal.com profile] noelfigart had to say about planning and goalsetting, though, I realized that my main priorities for this year fall into 5 main categories. Tidy, that.

1) Simplify.
2) Get Stronger.
3) Network.
4) Plan.
5) Practice.

I think I will enjoy exploring/writing about each of those in turn. Or not.

Fairly self explanatory. And I've written reams over the last what- 4 years? I've been on Livejournal?

Simplicity will be good.
labelleizzy: (Do it)
Here is me testing a new-for-me technique of blogging. Of communicating, and of political activism.



I believe Naomi Wolf is right.
I believe that the window of opportunity is closing, and that we, ALL OF US, will have to push to keep it open.
I believe that we have to ratchet up our efforts to protect our democracy and our own safety.

I believe that this country's Founders meant for all of us to stand up and protect government for the people, BY the people, if it is ever threatened.

Am I scared to speak out like this?

Hell yes.

but I remember the quote by Martin Niemoller:

"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up."

this is me, worried.

Watch the video. Thank you, Cherilyn, for pointing me in this direction, and for helping me wake up.

Elections are coming up.
Please pay attention. I will be trying to, also.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Bit pensive today. It's quiet, just the laundry thumping round, and I've got lots and lots to do or that I should be doing, but... But.

I wonder what home is.

Part of this has to do with the fact that I am indeed, technically homeless.
I mean, god bless Laura for taking me in. But it's not MY home. It's hers.

Is home some random apartment I don't yet have possession of?
Is home a domicile at all, or is it as large as a city I know my way around... and am comfortable travelling thru?
Is home the Starry Plough, or the Fair Oaks Tudor Faire?
Is home the living room of a dear friend who's having me over for dinner and a heart-to-heart talk?

One former lover and still dear friend talked about places wrapped around people. For me, Aberystwyth is more than a medieval Welsh town, it's Spiky John and Pete, Big John and Andrew, Shasta and Rachael, Sarah, Stephen, the girls in the dorm, my teachers and the shopkeepers, the other students we'd play billiards with, go to the pub or the football club/dance hall.

Berkeley is still Kevin and Ammy, though neither of them has lived there in over 2 years (?).

Sacramento is my mom (and dad, though he's dead), my sister and her husband and my nephew, my high-school friends, and many of my pagan friends and Faire friends.

I'm in this weird limbo-space. Or a weird gypsy space, perhaps.
Heather Alexander's CD, "A Gypsy's Home" has a title song with the lyrics
Don't tell a gypsy she has no home...
My road is wide and my sky is tall
And before I die I will see it all...


At the moment, I don't feel like I'm supposed to put down permanent roots.
I feel like those plants my mom keeps in vases and glasses for YEARS before she puts them in dirt, if ever.

The potential of my current life is strange and wonderful. There is no fixed horizon, no concrete path.
It's a beautiful, terrifying thing.
But I won't "settle," not ever again.

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