labelleizzy: (Default)
I'm supposed to have a list of goals for the therapeutic process. I did write some of them down, and I'll add them either here or in my bullet journal once I have my head in order.

I was thinking earlier today about jobs I've held, and my favorite job. And why it was my favorite job, and I wanted to break it down a little, in hopes of reproducing the conditions someday. In part or in whole.

this is the job I held for eight years and a bit.
it's the reason why every smartphone I've ever owned had "librarianing" added to the spellchecker.

I used to be a junior high school librarian.
I just wanna list the things that I loved about that job, because there's a lot of things I loved about it.
  • It had a regular daily schedule with rhythmic breaks in it.
  • ...but I got to choose my daily tasks, and when to do them.
  • High responsibility, low supervision, I got to determine when something was done.
  • some built in regular deadlines occurred weekly (overdue notices compiled and sent out)
  • some deadlines quarterly (grades for Library TA's), or at other calendar dates (budget deadlines, book ordering, etc)
  • Lots of time with people, specific agenda of helping people (students and staff both)
  • lots of time alone to do one on one tasks (repair, budget work, tidying)
  • Teaching. computers, dewey decimal, how to process books for circulation, some basic book repair, how to circulate books, how to pull records for books that were overdue, how to research, how to use the card catalog, how to find books you wanted... so many teaching opportunities, all in small groups, and NO GRADING.
  • I could take pee breaks as needed. That's a fucking luxurious situation to consider after teaching full time in a public school. I swear to god you can't get five minutes to pee, because it takes you 3-5 minutes to just walk to the other end of the school where the faculty bathroom is, and god help you if you're on your period or have to poop. it's *exhale* inhumane. actually.
  • Professional development funding.
  • Networking with the other librarians in the school district on a monthly basis.
  • Training to be a union site rep and shop steward, learning the history of unions in the USA
  • generally speaking, high interest high novelty work, high number of positive social contacts with students and staff. Decent respect from peers and students. Increasing responsibility the longer I was in the position.

  • There's more of course. Some damn wonderful people really made the difference for me in that job. They got me through the first six months after my dad died, with challenging, interesting work, taking care of tweenagers, teaching and helping and finding and fixing, sorting and throwing out and organizing and tidying. Always something that needed doing. Always something that MATTERED that needed doing.

    It's still MY library. In my heart it's still mine.
    I miss it. Actually.

    so I mean I want another job with some more of what that job had, without the soul deadening paperwork and jumping through hoops that teaching in the public school required.

    And really I want more of that in my life. I've been trying to find that, build that myself, but it's just been so crazy challenging on my own. I miss the community, the sense of rightness and purpose, the ability to HELP SO MUCH AND SO OFTEN SO MANY PEOPLE. I was proud of my work there. It was crazy and sometimes boring and wonderful and the kids were always so amazing and my co workers were always weird, wonderful, dedicated, amazing.


    I have more on this but this is a good starting place.
    I'll go make myself some dinner and dig into my homework reading pretty hard once I've eaten, take some notes to be ready for tomorrow.
labelleizzy: (calm)
One of my homework assignments for the Waldorf teacher training program I am taking, is to do daily meditation exercises to strengthen my brain's/mind's ability to focus, to perceive, to learn, to problem-solve, to know what I am actually seeing/feeling/experiencing... Steiner's term for this translates to something like "training the Organs of Cognition." Your emotions can be used to analyze and to help you think.

For example, every time I heard John McCain say, "My friends, blah blah blah..." (it doesn't matter what it was he was saying, because) once he used that phrase to start off, with that particular tone of voice, I was not hearing anything he had to say because I was feeling /rage/ and /outrage/...

so then I can take a moment now, in the quiet, to think about why I was feeling that, and why it basically blindsided me.

... more in a minute...

Resuming (I either need to get more hydrated, more regularly or to go to the optometrist for new 'eyeballs', probably both)...

I think [ profile] ozarque would parse this out much more coherently than I can, with her detailed background in linguistics and subtext. But EVERY TIME I heard McCain say "My friends...", I felt
Looked down upon.
Like my head was being patted.
Like I was being manipulated.
Resentful - he is NOT MY friend, how dare he refer to us all that way?

I was thinking about it in moments when I wasn't mad, and realizing I resent W's verbal tic of "Mah fellow 'Mericans" much less, in spite of not liking him, because that much is actually TRUE.

There were other moments that pissed me off - his persistent fear mongering and doomsaying about the future, his apparent lack of concrete plans, his meandering past actually answering the question, spinning his own tale more times than not and then POINTING OUT at the start of a particular rebuttal, the first time Obama tailored an answer that didn't directly answer a question (Pot, Kettle.)

I felt condescended to. I found myself looking for examples of a meta-plan to sabotage an Obama presidency, prior even to full gestation. I heard him use the subjunctive tense when referring to an Obama presidency, which (IIRC) would seem to indicate McCain subconsciously expects Obama to win, but in those statements he (McCain) was also at his most slanderous, poisonous, and fearmongery.

I read an article linked on [ profile] ontd_political about the meta-plan to move the US closer to a fascist state by driving wedges of no-confidence and resentment between the people and the government, and (my perception was that) I seemed to see indications of that mindset in McCain.

But the end of it all, is my gut reaction.

McCain troubles my second chakra. I don't feel secure or hopeful when listening to him. My throat chokes up, and I feel red energies of anger shooting from the top of my head and the base of my spine. McCain feels to me like a carefully camouflaged, cleaned up and well-dressed, doom sayer from the soap box at the corner of the marketplace. Or he sounds like a preacher from a pulpit, who condemns in fiery terms those who have an angry heart and no mercy on their neighbors. In short, a hypocrite, lacking self-knowledge or self-examination, and insincere.

Obama makes my heart feel clear. I can see his vision of a hopeful future (6th chakra) and it's like standing on a hill, looking down the valley, with a clear path scrolling down the hill, through the valley, to a restful destination that will be a long walk away but is definitely achievable, BY ME, right now.

The moments after the debate were very telling, for me, as were the candidates reactions to one another while speaking. Obama was unfailingly focused on McCain, politely attentive, while he was speaking, except in a couple cases where McCain made some outrageous charge or direct attack on him; then I saw Obama look away briefly, smile, and shake his head. Obama looked relaxed and comfortable. When Obama spoke, McCain was listening and taking notes but only rarely watched the senator from Illinois, and certainly fell short of being polite and attentive.

Then at the end of the debate, the candidates went around the studio, glad-handing the spectators/participants in the town hall meeting... I watched both Barack and Michelle Obama shake hands, lean forward, make eye contact, have short conversations with people, and I saw their lips say "thank you for being here" more than once. McCain also was shaking hands and talking to people, but Cindy McCain? um. She had her hands locked together behind her back. I may be overreacting, but I definitely got a "not MY job" vibe from her... not quite the 'upturned nose, remove these ...persons from my presence' arrogance, but dude, was she COLD. Impeccably dressed, coiffed, and made up, but not THERE at all; not PRESENT. Obligatory.

Dudes, I knew who I wanted before the debate started, and I had to listen to almost half in the car due to traffic on the way out to [ profile] masterfiddler's, but once I got to see AND hear the debate? It was all about the non-verbals for me. Obama was positive and confident and respectful, McCain was petty, repetitive, and spreading teh fear.

Yeah, I'm going to the Deomocratic HQ tomorrow to volunteer.



May. 7th, 2008 09:42 pm
labelleizzy: (yummy)
scrambled my eggs in a little butter and homemade habanero-oil, with a bit of cheddar and green and red onions and red pepper.

very tasty and just the slightest bit of heat.

Go me!

In other news, my homework still isn't done, and Jeff is still at work. Le sigh.



labelleizzy: (Default)

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