labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?

I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.

That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (Default)
A bunch of us who grew up touch starved developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I would like to share, please, the healthiest coping mechanism I’ve found for wanting the kind and quality of touch that I need, when I can’t get enough of it. And all it needs time, hot water, soap, and like $5.00!
Trader Joe’s Lavender Salt Scrub costs like $3.99 in store. Amazon has it listed at $15.00!! Plus shipping! Duh, don’t buy it on Amazon then…

Pretty easy to make a salt scrub at home if you don’t have a TJ’s. Olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil, or any kind of thick massage quality oil, with the same amount of non iodized salt and maybe a few drops of an essential oil. Lavender is good because it’s a natural antimicrobial, but you do you.

Exfoliating is pretty simple, it’s a bit rough on your skin till you get used to it but good grief does my skin feel amazing, soft & smooth right now, hands, arms, shoulders, legs, torso. And NOTHING ITCHES right now except for that spot I can’t reach in the middle of my back.

I like to get in the shower, wash my hair first, then turn off the water to scrub my skin. I do hands, then arms (underarms feels SO GOOD to scrub but please don’t try this just after shaving if you shave!), shoulders, boobs and torso, butt and hips, legs and feet, and face is last (and most gentle).

Then I get some soap on my scrubbie, get me and it gently wet, wipe off remaining salt and excess oil, before resoaping and washing as usual.

Many years ago, I left my ex husband, for a bunch of reasons but one of them was, that he refused to touch me in the ways I asked him to, the ways I needed. And I wrote myself a reminder:

“If nobody else is touching you in ways that you need, you need to do it for yourself.”

I forget this sometimes. It can be hard to get enough warm tight hugs, or enough neck kisses, or other things I wish I had more of and don’t seem to know how to ask for, how to get. But I can definitely treat myself on a Saturday afternoon, scrub my bod, cut my nails, do my hair.

I can do this for myself, and so can you, mostly. If this specific technique doesn’t work for you, or if you are differently-abled than I am (which is mostly able) then i encourage you to adapt.

You can still pamper yourself. You can still feed yourself in the non food ways, you can still treat yourself with kindness and gentleness (yes, for some of us it takes conscious practice, I know and realize).

Love yourself enough to care for your body, listen to what it needs, and do what you can to provide that.
I love all y'all. I finally love myself, too. (Mid forties fat cis woman.)

Take good care of each other and of yourselves, please.

#touch #deliberate touching #touch me #gentle touch #loving touch #self-care #touch starved #touch starvation #kindness #massage #exfoliating #exfoliate #exfoliante #exfoliantscrub #grooming #love yourself treatyoself
labelleizzy: (Default)
well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)


gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
it didn't feel like being crabs in a bucket
too lonely an experience for a plural metaphor.

though definitely there was a dragging down experience:
  • anything exceptional
  • anything experimental
  • anything that broke the status quo

I expected we'd be raising each other up
not pulling someone back to toe the line
I expected us all to reach for the stars
not speak only when spoken to

I didn't realize my teaching internship
landed me in a diploma-mill
churning out inferior product
with very few value-add options

Should I have known better?
I didn't.
I have always been too trusting.

I was sent into the trenches
to build bridges with cardboard
and I was guilty when the bridges failed.

when I asked for lumber they said
"There's no budget for that
You'll have to find that yourself."
And some of them smirked.

I was a hero
but I couldn't see it
all I could see was
muddy trenches and disrespect
for miles in every direction

and when I was discharged
grateful and ashamed
I took my papers and went away
glad and sorrowful
that I was too soft for these wars.

I tend my garden on this faraway hillside
watch the struggle from a distance
climb the cliffs seeking perspective -
and maybe some new way to stop the war.

(this is my entry for this week's [ profile] therealljidol.)
labelleizzy: (strong)
I forgot/ran out of time to blog Wednesday's workout, and yesterday's workout, well, I got slammed by busyness afterwards.

1) had to go over to the framer's to sign my collage-paintings for the county fair because I had forgotten to do that
2) had to grab some kind of quick lunch that turned out to be just fruit and tea, because I...
3) had promised to come volunteer with Anastasia, the Waldorf school gardening teacher, and help the third grade plant All The Grains.
(oh that was fun... and I got to plant and water in a row of amaranth, which are just gorgeous tiny purple seeds, squee!)


Results of workouts are:
1) the hamstring I pulled/strained on Monday during dance class is a bit more flexible/capable now, and hurts less
2) my ANKLE muscles are hella sore. Like all the way around my ankle is sore. I keep waking up and rotating my foot/feet and they're still sore.
3) I'm starting to see muscle definition in my forearms again, even underneath the fat I still have. I have pleasing curves going from wrist to elbow, and the hollow place at the inside of my wrist is longer and more defined than it was.
4) I'm learning that when a muscle is sore from the workout, I need to do more with it later that same day, intentionally, to keep it from going all stiff and inflexible. Stretch AND work it. Oy, my pectoral muscles. I had to stretch and work them last night before I was able to sleep
5) I can do more than I think I can. Speed and bounciness of legs/ankles/calves varies by day and by how much those muscles have already been worked.
6) Tal does a good job of helping me feel like we are doing choreography drills at least some of the time. She also does a good job of finely judging how far to push me, and we have been finishing JUST before I fail, i.e. muscles haven't yet given out in the middle of a set.
7) I have discovered I like free weights MUCH better than machines. And Tal confirms my belief that free weights are better for more all-round muscle strength, since you have to use more of the little muscles surrounding the major muscles to control free weights properly. Dynamic stability!
8) the sides of the long leg muscles (calf and thigh) need some more concentrated work. I think hiking in uneven terrain would be a good job for them. Again, Dynamic stability... and working the overall system rather than the specific large muscles.
9) Tal helped me specifically stretch shoulders and pecs in a way which I can't do. She groks partnered stretching. I may yet be able to consistently have open shoulders and reach my arms directly vertical over my shoulders, and I may yet be able to open my hips enough to have my knees flat on the floor when I sit pretzel-style (and maybe even someday in half-lotus or proper lotus position for yoga class!)
10) I told Tal that I have a personal goal I expected her to say was ridiculous, which is to do unsupported headstands and maybe someday handstands, and a) she was impressed when I told her I'd sorted out how to do yoga style shoulderstands, and she said your body can do anything you set your mind to do.

Tal gives me hope.
I shared with her that I used to have "a relative" who was so sarcastic in how he spoke to me that I had internalized his voice and used to speak very unkindly to myself. And I also said how I had to learn how to stop that voice from being how I spoke to myself, and had to learn to speak kindly and encouraging to myself.
I was to embarrassed to say that the relative was my dad. =(

But she's been great about listening to the little snippets of personal stuff that come out when we are working out together. She's great at correcting my form so I do the work correctly, and at encouraging me gently.

I have hope of gently reshaping this body and coming into pride in self that I haven't had in nearly 20 years.
For the right reasons, this time, not for fitting into a wedding dress.

I'm doing it for ME this time.
labelleizzy: (risky trust)
Today I will live in hope.
Today I will work towards what I want and need.
Today I will ASK for what I want and need, no matter how awkward or exposed it makes me feel.

Today I will trust that the Universe has the best possible plans for abundance and love in my life, and I will simply breathe in what the Universe has planned.
labelleizzy: (just do it)
I was having dreams early last night and early this morning, all having to do with solving the situation I'm in, to wit: feeling like I lack mission and drive, that I'm "stuck" in my job search, unsure whether to continue in education (the structure of which frustrates me with an in-grown unfairness of funding and opportunity) and unsure of what else I might do (that wouldn't suck the life and soul right out of me).

During dinner with [ profile] princeofwands last night, I came to remember a story about Steve Jobs and his perspective on success. The story goes that Steve was looking at different divisions' reports of success and failure rates, and notices one division has a notably smaller failure rate than other similar divisions.

Steve goes to visit.
At first the department chief is proud and thinks Steve's there to praise them, but instead, Steve says, Fail more. Fail bigger, and more interestingly. Learn from the failures, and use them to try to take even bigger risks afterward. A low failure rate won't lead to innovation or new sales.

Fail More. Fail Bigger. Fail flamboyantly.

In my case the worst thing that could happen is being embarrassed or ashamed, since for example, I've no job to LOSE and I'm pretty sure my spouse will stick by me even if I do something really flamboyantly failtastic.

Planning to fail means planning to risk. Risk is scary, but it's better than stagnating, which is what I fear I'm doing right now. Change is scary but it's better than stagnating.

I've prided myself on my ability and willingness to go after things which were scary, but up till now my practice with scary things has primarily been internal.

I dug up a bunch of giant old rocks out of my garden and have used them as material for fences or conversation-starting ornamental rocks. I pulled out old weeds and old stumps, and got rid of colonies of yucky stuff, earwigs and slugs and fungus, that had lived in my garden. And this endeavor, took years and years of hard work, intermittently and steadily, as I had the energy and resources to tackle the challenges.

Basically it feels like I tilled the land, reclaimed it from the wilderness, and then went to the market to get seeds to plant... only when I got there nobody had the seeds I thought I wanted to plant and grow.

So I have been sitting with my tilled field, watching the weeds start to reclaim the land.

I don't want to just grab ANY seeds and stick them into the dirt; I want to be pleased, literally and figuratively, with the fruits of my labors.

I want strawberries and roses, lavender and bay leaves. I want grapevines and wisteria and hops on trellises. I want shady bowers with koi ponds full of sweet water. I want I want flowers and fruit, I want plain vegetables and fancy decorative flavorful frilly herbs: boxes and boxes of fragrant herbs for cooking and making. I want fruit trees, where we can just walk out and take deliciousness from the branches.

And I want people in my garden. I want my garden to be restful and nourishing, and I want people to feel they have a welcome there, welcome to work and to rest and to play and to sing or play music. I want there to be cycles of productivity and rest, and for one feature to fade away for a season while other features come into their glory.

and now I'm crying again, because the metaphor is beautiful but I still don't know where and how to find the "seeds" yet.

So today it is time to return to the basics. Pull up the weeds and restore order to the grounds so that the earth will be ready for the seeds. And then I have to get working with the seed and seedling catalogs, to decide what needs to come FIRST.

I don't have to decide *everything* right now.
But I do REALLY need to get back on the work I've been neglecting.
Strengthen and reinforce my house(my body). Build up, repair, and plan my garden walls(my boundaries). Weed my fields and garden(prepare for my life and my work).
and... craft a good, solid, beautiful garden gate(to invite in those I want, and shut out things I don't.)
labelleizzy: (Default)
I did Two Hard Things That Were Hard today.

One was to wake up after a night of almost no sleep to initiate an emotionally difficult conversation.

Two was to keep my mouth shut at a time later on when responding as my first impulse demanded, would've made things worse.

Here is where I say the thing that may get me in trouble : I fucking DO want a cookie. After doing Hard Things That are Hard? Yes, I want to hear a "good job" or a "thank you" or "I appreciate your efforts" BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.

Similarly I will never get tired of hearing someone I respect tell me I'm pretty, they love me, they're proud of me, I said something that made them think or laugh, BECAUSE THAT also IS WHAT I NEVER GOT AS A KID.


I give myself EXPLICIT PERMISSION to want that cookie. Explicit permission to attract that cookie, to find safe people whom I might ask for a cookie, to feel my sadness and my rage about growing up without any fucking cookies.

Because also I was taught growing up, both directly and by example, that there Are. No. Cookies! for you, and no matter how hard you try to be worthy of one, to work for one, to ask or to suffer because you want (or need!) a 'cookie'? You get NOTHING.

Fuck that shit.
I'm in charge. Y'all, I grew up, and now I make a choice.

I make cookies every fucking day, you know? and I give them out to friends and lovers and strangers I have just met. I make them by the bushel. There ARE enough cookies.

Sometimes I make cookies just because i can. I have what i need to make them and i just do it. Other times i know I am wanting to please people because I still crave approval and a smile is as good as a cookie. I'm okay with that.

And sometimes? Sometimes, (I am *such* a subversive! ) sometimes I *actually* make cookies that are just for me. Exactly what I want and need in that moment.

And then I have what I need.

Some days I run out of cookie ingredients altogether. Days like that suck horribly because it's scary and flattening. I'd say I'm lucky because that happens pretty rarely, after 11 years of learning how to make and share and ask for a cookie. I have good cookie makers around me all the time now. There's a reason for that.

I. Am. Allowed. To. Want. A. Cookie.

So, for that matter, are you.

Here endeth the lesson.

Posted via LjBeetle
labelleizzy: (boom-ti-yadda)
Lark was really fun.
I hit yesterday (friday) and was like - whoa, the week is over? what happened? =P We established routines very quickly and got very very busy. I think I started with 6 classes and ended with 5 every day.

but I learned lots, I probably have at LEAST three new cool friends and maybe more, two new hobbies, maybe more (and [ profile] ribbin and [ profile] miss_mimsy are gonna help me out with one at least, oh yes they are) and I have a new crush I think... heh. Oh, and I want to inherit Chris Caswell's teaching style and sense of humor when I get older... (not GONNA grow up...)

I feel tons stronger from hiking all over the place and dancing, except I tweaked my knee the last day of dance class so my knee and my lower lumbar muscles are duking it out for who is going to make my life more inconvenient... still ambulatory but the back hurts from overcompensating for the twang. I'll get my massage dude to pound hell out of my new muscles (yay for Aubre OMG she rocks my world SO hard!) and my new sore spot; that should help. Yay for Vitamin I.

Today we get to unpack, quick email check, wash clothes like crazy, soak in the tub, maybe reschedule the moving van by one day, depending on ppl's schedules.

Which I'm going to go check. Me geek, me write Livejournal first once I got my network and my browser working properly again. Heh!
labelleizzy: (growth is inevitable)
I'm currently running lessons with my reading-support kids about researching careers.

In an attempt for ME to learn something new, I've signed up with and have built my very own open survey.

If you are willing to share information about your job(s) past and current, and to perhaps give me some new direction for this student research project, I would be happy to see your input.
Click Here to take a brief Job Selection Survey.

thank you very much!
labelleizzy: (Anais Nin bud blossom)
I've been reading a lot lately about beauty. Cultural ideals, expansion of the idea of beauty ( has a t-shirt saying "If the ideal of beauty gets any thinner, soon no one will fit" with the T squeezing out of the block... and also a bumper sticker with a Venus of Willendorf line drawing and the slogan "Change how you see, not how you look".

I've read a good bit in the sassy web-zine FAT!SO? and in other blogs - (hee, "blog" is in the spellchecker now) like BABble, Joy Nash's blog, and found Lesson plans on for fat acceptance. I've emailed the director of BigMoves (thanks for the idea, [ profile] kineticphoenix!) to find out more about possibly joining them in dancing for all sizes.

I'm fat. It is what it is.
I usually still think I am pretty, gorgeous, sexy, whatever... I rarely doubt my own intelligence (*shakes fist* Damn you, Mercury Retrograde!!!) but I've had self-acceptance issues around my body since I was young, thin, and klutzy. *shrug* I've rarely been fit or strong, so I want to bring that into the realm of self-image once again. I miss dancing, I miss feeling strong, and I want to go back.

Here's one website I really love and find inspirational: YouAreBeautiful. I know I found it thru another one of those meta-link days, so I can't credit who pointed me there. Another blog I can't remember suggested making yourself a sign for over your mirror: "This is what BEAUTIFUL looks like."

I've done that. I made a sign that I think itself is beautiful, and Jeff humored me when I taped it up at the top of the mirror. *smile*

I don't always see it, in that way that familiar things fade into the background, but when I notice it, I try to look at myself and see myself, even just for that moment, or even when I am brushing my teeth, as beautiful.

Here's another idea I found somewhere, it's a bit like some of the things Flylady says.

If I were beautiful... (and finish that sentence to express things you would allow yourself to do or have or want or be, _IF_ you believed you were beautiful.)

Almost makes me cry.

so here goes.

If I were beautiful... I'd take better care of my skin, hair and teeth.

If I were beautiful... I'd make sure I exercised and stretched everyday.

If I were beautiful... I would only own clothes that made me feel lovely and confident.

If I were beautiful... I would praise myself more often; I'd appreciate myself.

If I were beautiful... I would smell good, every day, with lotion or perfume.

If I were beautiful... I'd rid myself of all possessions that have unhappy memories.

If I were beautiful... I'd be more confident and ask more often for things I really want.


I think I will be doing this exercise for other areas of insecurity. (I think "competent" is the next adjective.)

Ladies, feel free to gank this and try it yourselves, and Gentlemen, if you like, you could substitute "attractive" or "handsome" if those are preferred words.

I'm going to open this post. Feel free to point people here if you think they'd like to try this meme.
labelleizzy: (Default)
A favorite poem of mine since age 11. )

I used to agree with what Ogden Nash said in this poem.
Used to feel certain that I was alone in my life, that I was a freak and destined for the solitary life, that I'd never have a boyfriend, never fall in love, never know connection or the cessation of loneliness.

>*introspective navel-gazing ensues* )
labelleizzy: (Default)
I find that 80's love songs still speak to me and comfort me.
Local radio station (100.5 The Zone) has an "80's after 8" program, and as I drove home from mom's last night I heard several favorites, among them "Don't forget me when I'm gone" and the Pretenders, "Brass in Pocket", which is the best tune ever for putting me in a confident, sexy attitude.
So I was singing in the shower this morning, Paul McCartney and the song listed above in the title to this blog entry.
Sappy love songs
Read more... )
So... It's a time in my life when I'm inclined to be looking to the past, in a thoughtful fashion. It's not nostalgia, it's milder than that. I'm looking at my past life, past friendships, past relationships.
Izzy looks back and thinks awhile. Humph.
Read more... )

Inertia sucks. *grin*
Unless, of course, you are already in motion, in which case inertia rocks, rolls, swings, runs, boogies. Interesting. There's a metaphor there, which I just don't feel clever enough to nail down at the moment.

Oh, moment of discontinuity last night as I fell into slumber after a long and cheery chat with Jeff...
Heard the not-so-distant train whistle and rumble, here in Rio Linda, and for moments I was confused, thinking somehow I was back in Santa Clara, being woken by THOSE trains...

This morning I have a brunch scheduled with former coworkers in the Grant District - the annual "Librarians' Luncheon" for librarians past and present. They're a fun group, I miss them & am looking forward to seeing them again.

Thanks for listening to my morning ramble, and thanks to the folk who expressed sympathy for yesterday's lack of "intestinal fortitude" on my part. Almost back to normal, yay!

Next time I post, should be about the travails of getting registered as a substitute teacher...
Umm. Do I have enough clothes that are nice? I may have to go thrifting again. Anybody up for shopping?
labelleizzy: (Default)

This is the Pattern! Until you really internalize it, make the knowledge a real part of you!

My struggles to learn about my relationship patterns mirror a time in high school when I struggled to learn the meaning of the word EPIPHANY. I had to look that word up in the dictionary every time I ran across it - must have been 5 or 6 times, had a little A-HA moment each time. At some point, I actually GOT it.
Ironic, huh?
It's also like a few minutes ago, when I tried to stretch my tight hamstring which was kinking up my lower back (again). By working the muscle isometrically (holding the leg static while tensing the muscle strongly and repeatedly) the pain and stiffness goes away. This worked better than a long walk, much better than a static stretch. And I know I've done this before, probably done it many times.

I had a habit of falling into manipulative and somewhat abusive relationships (not all of my relationships were like this, just about half) because they were familiar and comfortable as long as I refused to think about what was really going on, or what I really needed and wanted...

Perhaps, as they say, you cannot unlearn what has been learned.
But, you can sometimes, (I seem to have done so repeatedly) forget that you knew a thing, for months or even years at a time.

Reviewing records and career files yesterday: I knew in 1992 (wrote an essay) that I wanted, needed to be in an environment with supportive, positive coworkers, lots of people contact, working for an organization whose mission I can really get behind with all my heart.

So then, during my most recent two jobhunts (last late-summer and fall, and now) I've spent HOW much time, taking tests, and journalling, to find out the same exact results.


"Already knowing" something is no use at all, if you can't pull it out of storage, activate it, and make it useful.

But now I've seen the pattern and I can try to keep aware.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I'm rereading Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation.
This was a Christmas present from my sister, and the only thing I read during the Christmastime trip to New York to visit my inlaws.
Extensive self-analysis follows...
Read more... )
Mertuil had a great post a few weeks back... she covered lots on the topic of wanting/not wanting, needing/not needing, the social acceptability of wanting. And then, she made a list of I wants.
You inspire me...
Not necessarily to make a similar list today, but in recognizing that it is okay to WANT stuff. And that not all the stuff I want is STUFF. Mostly it's not.
I'll say this for my Xpouse - he didn't begrudge me any possessions. I am well provided for, all pots, pans, art, furniture, that I require, I have.
So those spiritual and emotional needs...Read more... )

It's scary to want things. It's scary to admit to having ideals or crazy obsessions, or to lusting after someone or something.
It's not polite.
It's not what the "good girl" in the back of my head (aka the Critic, in Sark's lexicon) wants to admit to.

Gods bless my friend Anne, Read more... )
And you realize that there is virtually no reason why your life can't be a beautiful thing, with loving accomplishments, friends, family, community.

So, even if I'm a "bad girl" (which makes me giggle, actually), and even if I never hook up with a permanent partner or soulmate, my life is worthy.
And even if it's not polite, or pretty, I'm going to enthusiastically go after all those things that feed my soul.
...even if I can't have those things forever... (hell, who said anything lasted forever anyway?)


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September 2017

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