labelleizzy: (Default)
well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)

okay.

gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
labelleizzy: (strong)
Today is a good day.
Today I feel strong and whole.
I wonder if I will ever get over feeling so lucky, so happy about getting myself here.

I could have stayed where my childhood left me, tied up in gender stereotypes and my feelings of inadequacy.
I could have been too afraid to risk the pain inherent in risk and change.

I didn't, and I wasn't.

And I am proud of myself for that.

I say that so infrequently that I wanted to record it, meaning to encourage myself to take pride in my accomplishments more frequently. I slide between being reluctant to ackowledge and outright bragging, the grey space in between is hard for me to find.
Sigh.
Subtlety, I can not haz. Oh well. Knowing yourself counts for something!

Learned the hard way that slow and steady, consistent work is the most important way to make lasting change in my life. (I do know that probably sounds obvious. I'm okay with that, I need to keep saying it to myself, regardless.)

I can do a lot of things now, after healing from injuries, and with long practice, that made me feel less-than broken/wrong, and weird as a child and teenager.

Back then I Made a lot of assumptions about what was normal, and I try not to blame myself for that. Learning that "normal" doesnt exist was actually really useful.

What are the important lessons you have learned about how the world works, and how you fit in to that?
labelleizzy: (write first edit later)
gods help me, I'm signing up for the new mini-season of LJ idol, [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol.

*\o/*

go me!
labelleizzy: (Buddha think and become)

the theme at the gym this month is "to dream"... they want us to join one or more of the classes there, but those don't really meet me where I dream.

I dream of doing handstands (balance and core and upper body work).

I dream of doing the Wheel pose in yoga (backbend like whoa)

I dream of dancing three hours an evening (cardio, and an improved wardrobe so someones will ask me to dance)

I dream of practical strength: to never be the little old lady who can't touch her toes or has to walk with a walker (beyond rehab, should I need it)

I dream of ridiculous strength (like the line from the Agents of SHIELD episode about "if you're hanging out a window 20 stories up, you're gonna want to be able to do at LEAST one pull-up")

I dream of doing things strong people do (& this week I schlepped 50 pounds of birdseed to my car, in my arms and over my shoulder)

I dream of believing, actually really believing, that I am strong. That I can DO things, things that matter.

I dream of working with my body and hands, my heart and my mind.

I still don't know what shape that needs to take, but I will keep dreaming.

labelleizzy: (yoga)
Yay, and go, me! I finally made it back to a yoga class!

...after three months of not-going. *embarrassed*

And I tell you what, I'm gonna be sore again tomorrow. I have much less strength and less endurance than I did in December, which was the last time I was doing yoga and dancing regularly once a week...

the yoga class has a new instructor. I'm definitely going to miss Chihiro's meditative openings and closings, this lady is much more, I dunno, businesslike. While she does seem to have enough knowledge to get us through a pretty good class, (and she's injured, herself, which I give her kudos for being 20 years older than me, injured (too), AND kicking my ass to boot) I think I will explore the other yoga timeslots at the gym and maybe give [livejournal.com profile] tiger_spot's YMCA class a try.

AND there are Zumba classes! At my gym! Which I'm not going to attempt until my knee stops twinging, thank you very MUCH, but whee! (someday soon I hope.)

and okay, NEVER AGAIN that long between proper workouts!

*ow*
labelleizzy: (stoutness)
Yesterday I went to [livejournal.com profile] fyrekaaat's 21st birthday party, and bailed on my usual Monday dance class at 5rhythms. (For the record, I really miss the dancing, but I don't get invited to such a special birthday party very often, so I made a tough choice.

I'm really proud of myself for hauling my butt to the gym in the late afternoon to make up for missing the dance class. And incidentally, because my joints have been HURTING. and I know that if I move intentionally, my muscles limber and stretch, stop hurting so bloody much, and my joints get relief also.
I'm lucky that way, as I have friends for whom this isn't true.

But I just wanted to brag a little about what I accomplished.
1) I spent a full 30 minutes on the machine-that-is-the-bastard-child-of-elliptical-and-exercisebike (I gotta find out what the hell to call that thing, because it is FUN). This is almost ten more minutes of cardio than I usually do. Had it set on level 1; I must admit that it wasn't uber challenging. I think that's okay, because my shoulders and neck and back have been so twingy that I wanted to be gentle and prolonged with the warm up.

2) I did a little bit of work on the weights, added some weight on a couple of machines (d'oh! just realized I completely skipped the adductors and abductors machines!) and helped some of the tight sore muscles to relax. Generally quite gentle with myself after almost 3 weeks away.

3) Found an open space off in a secluded corner with nobody in it, and yoga mats hanging. I love this spot. I did a variety of my yoga warmups until the remaining stiff muscles felt better, then did some of the wonderful stretches. My core muscles must be reasonably strong, because I can hold my legs up in the air firmly without any wobbles and without *thinking* about it. This is so much yay.

4) Finished off with rocking up into a shoulder stand again, and made the effort to try and straighten my legs and torso up more vertically... can't get there yet, but nothing hurt and I wasn't very wobbly, and this was A New Thing that made me chuckle with pleasure at my own body.

(and then Jeff and I went to the pub in Oakland with [livejournal.com profile] ag_unicorn and [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda and [livejournal.com profile] fyrekaaat and her friends and tried some new kinds of beer. Nom nom nom Blood Orange Cider and Purple Haze, which is a raspberry-wheat-beer.)

A very good evening, well spent in good company.
labelleizzy: (joyful dance!)
This is what I posted to FB last night just before falling asleep...

"Seems I have 3 rules for dancing at 5Rhythms:

1) dance in 3 dimensions
2) take up space
3) try to detach from thinking, just move!

Oh, and HAVE FUN & SMILE A LOT"

a FB friend said, well yeah, I agree, except those are my RULES FOR LIFE!

=D

Last night went AWESOMELY. Excellent flow, mostly I was out of my own head and just moving, doing some things I believe I have only seen other people do... (but I wasn't planning them or observing myself doing them, so I'm actually not really very clear as to what precisely I was *doing*, which is a very interesting state to be in...)

I did notice that I had more people "asking to dance" with me last night, in a way... that was also very interesting (people ask to dance nonverbally there, usually by eye contact and then joining you in the space on the floor)

At one point, after the lesson, Claire asked us to join other dancers in groups of 5... < anxiety levels rising, who will want to group with me? >

We had a group of 6 for a bit, then it shifted and the 3 that joined my/our initial group of 3 melted away and we were joined by 2 others... David is HELLA tall, and looks like a friendly, meditative Lurch from the Addams family, a shorter more choleric-moving guy whose name I didn't catch though I danced twice with him later, an ectomorphic blond girl, and a (relatively) shy-moving Asian girl. I was *definitely* the fattest in our group, and also the most uninhibited in some ways. I think I blew the petite blond's mind... we were taking turns dancing at the center of our group, and holding space at the edges when we weren't dancing (and also dancing, sometimes echoing whoever was at the center, interpreting the idea or quotation we'd selected to think about)... I've no idea what I was doing that made her face and eyes look all surprised and amazed while she was watching me, but I was grinning, and moving, and loving it.

My turn in the center turned out to be brief. I didn't talk about my quotation, I just moved it. I love that I studied eurythmy with the Waldorf program... it makes it so much easier to EXPRESS some things...

The quote paraphrased: Intuition is about Knowing, not about Thinking, and something about a battle with the Ego. Maybe that last part is something I will have to live my way into the Answers, later (thank you, Rilke) because I don't really understand what was meant by it, but the first part of the passage I can live now, in Dance, and in other Expression.

Moving While Fat is still just MOVING. I dunno why, but nobody gives me flack for being fat while dancing... and 5Rhythms is the BEST about being welcoming and fun.

Just DANCE, my babies!!
labelleizzy: (strong)
Jeff and I BOTH made it to the gym tonight.
WOO
(and he made noises like he was amenable to doing this every Sunday, DOUBLE WOO)

NOTES:
I stretched before getting on the exerbicycle, I think I'll be trying to do that consistently in future.
My foot hurt less (plantar fasciitis AGAIN), and I believe it's because I pre-stretched. 22 minutes on the bicycle.

Nearly 2 months since I lifted with any regularity. *sigh* I've been getting 2 days of loving movement pretty reliably, with dance on Mondays and Yoga on Tuesdays, so I'm not in horrible shape, but I have specific muscles that are very very crunchy. I tried to work those specifically (various around the shoulder capsule, and pectorals, plus hip flexors and all these needed to open the hips). Still feel crunchy.

We'll see how I feel after dance tomorrow night and yoga on Tuesday.

I'm going to try to add Sundays reliably to the schedule, and after that, hopefully Thursdays. That would mean 4 days a week with significant exercise, if I can do this on a consistent basis.

Two days a week is not quite enough to make steady progress in strength and flexibility, HOWEVER...

... I did manage to put my foot WITH EASE onto the top bar of the stretching fence. Yup, my foot at shoulder height, easily, and stretching there felt strong, stable, and good.

that was friggin' COOL.
labelleizzy: (asskicking)
Got my ass to the gym today, in spite of a variety of housecaring tasks to be done.

increased adductor/abductor from 60# to 70#, increased leg press to from 100# to 120#. 12 minutes of cardio on upright bicycle (all the ellipticals were busy. I had a sad.) What else? Did lots of arms/upper back work, pectorals, rowing... realized my left tricep and shoulder are tense/spasming... I wonder now if how I pull the seat belt has any influence on this problem, or if the chronic tension from my airline-cable neck muscle just migrated...something to do with other driving habits? Need to figure that out.

did some good stretching later, and spent several minutes playing on the bosu-balance-ball, doing hip work and practicing my balance-squats. 10 slow, steady squats down and up again there. Not as much wobbling as before, I think the stretching of hips and calves really helped stabilize my form.

And I kicked that ass that I got to the gym, sweating a little bit and everything, and I hurt less after than I hurt before I started... So, Go me.
labelleizzy: (stoutness)
Rockclimbing today, for the first time, with [livejournal.com profile] tshuma & [livejournal.com profile] bk2w. Of course I wasn't very good. But it was fun, and I practiced trusting my belay partner and sitting down on the rope to come off the wall. Hands and forearms a little sore. Possibly worse tomorrow, well, that's what vitamin I is for, innit.

Thursday I did something smart, got a sports massage then went and had a workout. The therapist dug into my airline-cable neck muscle in the right ways, also did work on tiny spinal muscles, shoulder muscles, and at the base of my spine, work of a quality that I've never had at Massage Envy before. I think I better enjoy this fellow while he's there, he's bound to find a better berth soon. But massage-and-workout was a fucking AMAZING combination; I'm less crunchy in so many ways than I have been in months.

And... now I've tried the climbing thing, I think I want to try it more. And just realized I've been wanting something more concrete than "going back to dancing" to train toward... I think that rockclimbing may provide the additional challenge and stimulation I need to get myself out to the gym as often as I need to do for authentic improvement.
labelleizzy: (Not Afraid)
I've been napping a lot during the afternoons this week. I think the skin problem I'm currently dealing with may be the culprit, it recently got rather worse and is probably sapping my energies.

Am hoping to make it to the gym tomorrow. Picked up a couple more pairs of exercise sweatpant-dealies that should be cute and comfy. Looking less like a schlemiel when I go, when so many fitter ladies have cute coordinated outfits, will help me look forward to going.

I don't have any fear about going to the gym anymore. This was not the case when I last had a membership, something like 8-10 years ago. I was full of feelings that I was being judged, was worried people were staring, stuff like that. I was also judging myself. Lots. Feeling guilty and lots of should-have's.

I love that my life for the most part isn't full of fear anymore. My motivation does not come (or perhaps 10% instead of 90%) from fear. Wanting to be strong comes from a place of security and a desire to do what's necessary to plan for the future I want. I want to be a strong, flexible, vibrant old lady. Period.

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