labelleizzy: (Default)
I am sorry that it took me this long to recognize how patient you were with me, and how hard you tried to trust me and to let me be a part of your lives. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for us to continue being friends. Despite the pain we ended up causing each other, there was some good stuff there that I miss. But we really had so many communication problems that I really think it was for the best to end things and cut contact.

I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.

I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.
labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
it didn't feel like being crabs in a bucket
too lonely an experience for a plural metaphor.

though definitely there was a dragging down experience:
  • anything exceptional
  • anything experimental
  • anything that broke the status quo

I expected we'd be raising each other up
not pulling someone back to toe the line
I expected us all to reach for the stars
not speak only when spoken to

I didn't realize my teaching internship
landed me in a diploma-mill
churning out inferior product
with very few value-add options

Should I have known better?
I didn't.
I have always been too trusting.

I was sent into the trenches
to build bridges with cardboard
and I was guilty when the bridges failed.

when I asked for lumber they said
"There's no budget for that
You'll have to find that yourself."
And some of them smirked.

I was a hero
but I couldn't see it
all I could see was
muddy trenches and disrespect
for miles in every direction

and when I was discharged
grateful and ashamed
I took my papers and went away
glad and sorrowful
that I was too soft for these wars.

I tend my garden on this faraway hillside
watch the struggle from a distance
climb the cliffs seeking perspective -
and maybe some new way to stop the war.

(this is my entry for this week's [ profile] therealljidol.)
labelleizzy: (Default)
Ridiculous and inconceivable that tomorrow is my last day of Summer Session for the Waldorf teacher training.
I won't get to see my friends every day? I won't have dance and art history and creative writing and speech classes every day? I won't get to hang with the incomparable Ken, my sculpture teacher? I won't be learning new songs on the fly every morning with Lisa?


This has been wonderful. I am entirely sorry it's almost over. I will survive the transitions necessary, but for now I have to kick my own ass to get there.

I get to bring a lot home with me. My Main Lesson book from Roberta's class, with art and poetry we created together. Some of my sculpture work. A LOT of literature to read and share, including a great article on the Waldorf philosophy of reading in elementary school. I have work I want to continue to refine, including writing and speech exercises, some of the art in the Main Lesson book, and I have a bit of clay I can use to be creative, and which might last a long while if I am kind to it.

Tonight I have to make a card for Glenda, another for Anne-Marie (my class secretary), and try to do a bit of practice for Saturday's assembly: the skit, the speech exercise, and the eurhythmy performance.

Gonna take the husband out to find some food he finds appealing. Right now he's feeling better enough to play piano, which is a VERY good sign.

Love ya, read y'all later,

labelleizzy: (change the world)
Paradigm Shift.

If I cease to be what I was,
What am I NOW?

What do I Want To Be?

If I open the Gates of Possibility, do I walk through them?
Or does the Flood emerge, engulf me and destroy all I once thought I knew?

I have gnawed off a bite too large to consume;
Ere I choke I must spit it out. Perhaps anon I could try eating the elephant, though in smaller bites.

Promises, contracts, shares and stakeholders.
And if options are beautiful, as some have said, then I have beauty before me...

but this kind of beauty is just short of terrifying.

Here yawns the Abyss.


Oct. 2nd, 2007 07:13 pm
labelleizzy: (happy family)
I've been thinking about my brother a lot the last few days. Nothing like the onset of fall for remembering; to me the crisp cool weather and the grey skies just trigger sad, thoughtful retrospection.

Mom called tonight.

She said that Sarah, Scotty's wife, has made the decision to scatter Scotty's ashes and did it early early early yesterday morning. One factor was that Judy, Sarah's mom, was due to return to her own home, after an extended visit of support and love.

Another factor was that, for Sarah, it just felt right.

Mom reinforced in the phone call with Sarah and Judy earlier today, that it was Sarah's call, that while Jen and mom and I might have had our opinions and wishes, Sarah knew what he'd wanted, and that's exactly what she did.

you have three guesses as to where Sarah went yesterday morning at 5 am to scatter Scotty's earthly remains.

Read more... )

Rest in peace, Coach.


May. 21st, 2007 06:35 am
labelleizzy: (happy family)
Happy Birthday, Scotty.

I love you.


Apr. 19th, 2007 02:35 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
I slept FOURTEEN HOURS last night - to bed at midnight, one wakeup at 7:20 when my "it's time to go to work" alarm went off, then back to bed.

I woke up, walked out into the kitchen and thought there'd been a power outage! 2:10? what?
then checked the time on the phone and computer. *sigh*

I think I still have time to do all the stuff I wanted/needed to do today; I guess the first order of business is to brew my caffeine and take the pain meds. (maybe it was the pain meds that had me sleep so long? could be)

Saw an orthopedist yesterday about my knee, per the advice nurse. I am pretty sure he ruled out major ligament damage (i.e. ACL) but _he_ was thinking it might be a meniscus tear. which would of course suck big rocks... though not the end of the world. He said "orthopedics referral will want x-rays" so I went & got x-rays, the Totally Nicest Technician Evar with a Patented Professional Manner did about 5 plates on my rt. knee. It was kind of weird having an exray and not being in OMFG EXCRUCIATING pain... I wasn't worried or hurting or anything. It was kind of neutral. (later that pm got a voicemail from the doc - the plates showed my knee as normal, at least normal in an exray, again very professional to turn that around so fast)...

Went to have a steak dinner at Tahoe Joe's. Got a nice quiet table-for-one. Turned out my server goes to the private school that shares a boundary line with MY school. We got to talking. I got the name of their drama coach, I talked up our administration (cos they SO rock) & the upcoming musical (Some Like it Hot in a musical form) & I got the idea then & there to do some NOT-rah-rah-your-team-must-lose-our-team-must-win collaboration and mutual publicity with the other high school. I'm curious to see what kind of theater facilities & programs they have.

(short-attention-span-moment - SQUIRREL! on my back fence! the cute! - Look out squirrel, kitties are in the back yard!) (Yeah, the coffee's kicking in)

then went to kill the last little bit of time looking at pretty things at Cost Plus where I got a nice phone call from [ profile] battymaiden. Thanks hun, it was a good call and I appreciate the support. (and thanks for the news about Josh and Rosalind - I still have to call him)

And a last conversation with the guys working at Cost Plus. I _must_ have become genuinely extroverted at some time in my life, cos I _definitely_ got energy from those exchanges.

Lots of the cat sitting-on-me last night and this morning.
Mom called (thanks, [ profile] temperance14 for the idea of coding the ring-tone, I did that last night at dinner) just after I woke up, and it sounds like preparations for the memorial are moving right along.

that's all I got right now. I have a to-do list that's 15 items long, including PT for the knee and a condolence email to [ profile] josh_summit.

I better hop.

thanks, everyone.
labelleizzy: (happy family)
My brother died this Sunday. Yes, while I was in Japan.

I'm dealing. Work is helping me sort stuff out so I don't have to try and teach when I'm, um. Upset.

My brother's, um, widow. *handkerchief*
is doing a college fund for Aubrey Faith, in lieu of flowers.

So let me know if you'd like to contribute, eh? You could contribute anytime. And prayers and kind thoughts/energies are always welcome.

and if you want to help, you can ask me how I am when you see me. I posted to Barbarians list about this but haven't um. tried to read the messages yet. thanks for people's support so far.

If there's an upside to this, aside from Scotty not hurting anymore *handkerchief*
it's that compared to April 28, 1994, when my dad died (yeah, my mom gets two deathaversaries in the same month now...) I'm actually grieving. Took me like 6 or 7 YEARS to move out of cotton-wool-stuffed denial and irrational anger about my dad's going.

So I guess that's something. Stuff is moving.

Better get going.


labelleizzy: (Default)

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