labelleizzy: (Default)
Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.


and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.
labelleizzy: (i dance)
Dance class was amazing. Again.
I want to take friends with me but simultaneously I want to keep it all to myself...
Dichotomy.
It's really, truly, amazing. Being there is like dancing your prayers to God. And it's explicit permission to:

a) Take Up Space. Which is an awesome permission to give a fat chick like me
and
b) Move However You Want To. Which is awesome permission to give a dancer like me who's been doing ballroom and other frame-partner dances for a really long time.

I feel deliciously loose. Which is nice after a mellow day of baby wrangling and a mellow weekend wherein I got to enjoy significant hanging out with all the boys I have a romantic interest in. (the girls, are another matter entirely. Sigh.)

But I really do get to Take Up Space and Move However I Want To. And it's phenomenally liberating.

I was remembering certain Persons saying "oh I don't dance" and remembering why my friend Forest always got lots and lots of girlfriends: basically, whoever he wanted, would sleep with him. And I believe that's because of the truism about dancers: "How you dance is how you fuck."

=)

I dance with my whole body, my whole heart, and a lot of creativity.
Take that as you will... *grin*

edit: it strikes me that the converse of my silly truism above is likely also true: that if you fuck with style, grace, or authentic enthusiasm, you would probably be able to dance well, also.

For me it is all about are you actually INHABITING the body and using its capacities in your communications with others; and the most intimate connections, for me, are in dance and in sensual pleasures.
labelleizzy: (poly)
It's a short little book, The Five Love Languages, but it makes a lot of sense.
People speak different love languages.

The examples Chapman uses are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift-giving (or receiving), and Quality Time. If you and your lover speak different "languages", you are going to have a difficult time getting your needs met: as time goes on and you aren't feeling loved, even if your lover is making an effort, you become increasingly frustrated and feel empty and unloved.

You get a gimme at first when you fall in love: love relationships when they begin have a "honeymoon period". However, you can only fly so far on Limerence, aka the in-love feeling, aka NRE. Limerence lasts for a finite time... after that, well, your jet fuel starts to run out, if you don't mind the metaphor.

You can fill your tank with The Good Stuff by finding (or properly training!) a partner on how to Speak YOUR Love Language. If they can't speak your Love Language, it doesn't fill your emotional tank. They might give you kerosene when you need gasoline, or water when you need oil. They're trying, they made an effort, they want credit, but if it's a language you don't speak, or a fuel you're unable to use?
Read more... )
=888=

Long Story Short:
My Love Languages, in order, seem to be:

1st: Acts of Service (Will you do something for me, or with me? Can I do something with you, or for you?)
2nd: Physical Touch (Hug me, cuddle me, sit near to me so our feet or knees touch)
3rd: Words of Affirmation (Tell me you love me, that I'm pretty, that I'm doing good work or that you're proud of me)

"Gifts" got a ZERO score from me on both versions of the test I took. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate thoughtful gifts: I have a Scarf Lynn Leonard made for me, that I *love* and adore, an embroidery sample from Betty Pugh on my wall (both older lady co-workers in schools, both birthday presents, and both made for me, personalized with me in mind, so maybe even more Act of Service than Gift?), the easel, paints, brushes, scarf, and rose fragrance from Mom, the quilt T.R. bought for my 40th birthday, and others. I enjoy giving gifts to people sometimes too... I made a point for the first time in years to get presents for my immediate family and Jeff's too, and that felt good.

HOWEVER.
*grinning*
I *loved* that Lance and Joanne came over to help decorate my christmas tree this year. I *loved* helping R and TR with paperwork, hosting Paula as well, and feeding everyone into the bargain. I *loved* my Mad Hatter Tea Party a couple years ago, the clothing swap that I hosted in my bitty little place in Pleasant Hill, and I have warm, loving feelings toward all the people who have EVER helped me move house, and that's a LOT of people. I *loved* baking shortbread for last year's Waldorf assembly and I *loved* that so many people came to tell me that they loved my baking! Then, too, the compliment from Dorit on my work in our eurythmy performance will nestle in my heart forever... *bask*

Knowing I am appreciated in many ways, by many different people, makes me feel loved. Acts of Service, and Quality Time, Words AND Touch.

=888=
Read more... )
=888=

I feel respected and loved when I am noticed with words. (Jenna, one of the 7th graders from my practicum class, noticed and said she loved my new boots which I wore today (yes, those boots.)) Hee! I heard from one of the Waldorf parents during my practicum that her daughter said my lessons were fun and that she was learning good things. *swoon!*

I feel respected and loved when someone I care about helps me with a task or does something for me. The other day TR and Diana were at Orchard Supply and they called to ask me if I needed anything, then brought me a bag of soil so I could repot some plants. *squee* They a) Heard my Words and b) Did Something that helped me with a Task! super yay! Jeff vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE after we got the new vacuum. It took him 4 hours because we hadn't vacuumed in almost a year. MEGA yay, and super bonus brownie points!

I feel respected and loved when I receive the kind of touch I crave: sometimes gentle and loving, sometimes tempestuous and passionate. I express love and caring attention by trying to pay attention to how and whether people I care about, like to be touched. At work, I use gentle, respectful touch to get my point across and to build relationships with students - a pat on the back for encouragement, a touch on the hand or shoulder to draw attention. I noticed the same kind of behavior in the teacher whose class I worked for today (I have GOT to find an alternative to the term "subbing"... ack. I AM a teacher, I'm not a substitute for a teacher. I'm just a *different* teacher than the class's usual teacher... okay, </ soapbox>... I like "guest teacher" and will try to be consistent in using that.). As a teacher, you have to be the Alpha Wolf, and you can accomplish some of that dominance in a quiet and affectionate way with touch.

I get a high from dancing with people... Act of Service (doing something I love with me) AND Physical Touch! Woo-Hoo! (Again, why am I NOT doing this more OFTEN?!?!?)

=888=

I would challenge everyone who has had "communication difficulties" in a relationship, to familiarize yourself with the concept of Love Languages, learn your own, and try to figure out what the other person's may be.

Might very well be that EVERYONE could have a full Emotional Fuel Tank... and then we could ALL fly!

What fills your tank with the right fuel?
What fills THEIR tank with the right fuel?
Are you willing to do what it takes for the person you love to have a full tank, even if it doesn't come naturally to you?

Learn how to fly. Learn how to fill your tank, so you can fly, and so you can help others to fly.
labelleizzy: (independent)
Just Three Things I'm taking away from this week of substitute teaching.

1) Speak professionally and spartanly with high school students, be precise in my language and in expressing my expectations & standards, and work to not over-share. (jessica's waldorf-kindergarten challenge to not speak until spoken to by students, would work surprisingly well in another independently-motivated high school classroom.)

2) Do The Right Thing, always, even if it's a day or two delayed.

3) At the end of the day, Doing More Good is actually a pretty simple balance to maintain. Respect, helpfulness, friendliness, and taking care of the students, are why I'm there. Substitute teachers are a necessary gap-filler, we serve an essential purpose. Good to remember.

that's all I got right now, the nap earlier this afternoon is still Sucking What Little Brain I have after a weekend of Waldorf lectures on "Man as Symphony of the Creative Word", but yay, butterflies. (yes that sounds like a random tangent; ask me later if you see me.)

<3
labelleizzy: (angry Snoopy)
How children are raised is how they behave when under stress.

For instance, attempted rape or sexual harassment.

Trigger warning, but I wanted to boost this signal because she hits the nail on the head about what happened for me with my own date rape in college.

Read the comment strand too.

a follow up which I found quite educational: Who FB friends your rapist? Assholes who aren't really friends to you.
labelleizzy: (Fascinating.)
There are 30 questions.

Answer each question with one name.

Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.

Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme.
(I will tell you, if you ask for the questions, by private email or Private Message here on LJ. In return you promise to fill out the questions yourself and post them in your blog.)

(yes, the secrecy is part of what helps the meme to propagate. Heh.)

(I altered two questions. You can use the original or my alteration, but you should include the fact that I altered those two in further iterations of the meme.)



01. [livejournal.com profile] zoethe

02. [livejournal.com profile] themusecalliope

03. Nobody.

04. [livejournal.com profile] eeyore_grrl

05. [livejournal.com profile] battymaiden

06. [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling

07. Mario. [livejournal.com profile] mrplanet4

08. [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda

09. [livejournal.com profile] uncledark

10. [livejournal.com profile] deedeebythebay

11. Nobody on my Flist or extended social group seems to fit in this category.

12. [livejournal.com profile] 1radicaldreamer

13. [livejournal.com profile] matociquala or [livejournal.com profile] tammypierce

14. [livejournal.com profile] frosteee or [livejournal.com profile] lastmx

15. [livejournal.com profile] foresto, or Megan T.

16. [livejournal.com profile] astroaztec

17. [livejournal.com profile] labelleizzy. =)

18. [livejournal.com profile] wintergr3y or [livejournal.com profile] ariyanakylstram

19. [livejournal.com profile] qos

20. [livejournal.com profile] bedpimp

21. Kristi, [livejournal.com profile] mrsgiggle

22. Ray. [livejournal.com profile] waywardbound

23. [livejournal.com profile] masterfiddler’s wife Ellen

24. [livejournal.com profile] pushkie [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling

25. [livejournal.com profile] yezida

26. [livejournal.com profile] dotarvi

27. [livejournal.com profile] barelyproper

28. [livejournal.com profile] livefalcon or [livejournal.com profile] dragonfairie

29. [livejournal.com profile] eeyore42

30. You all, and everyone else in my life, make it richer simply for the being IN it. You all bring something special, something wonderful. Thank you all for participating in the wider world that includes me.
labelleizzy: (politics)
Via Rafael Jesus Gonzalez, whose mailing list I am on:

"George Lakoff argues that the Republican choice of Palin makes total sense if you truly understand the strategy of the Republicans in this election. Lakoff is the author of The Political Mind: Why You Can't Understand 20th Century Politics With an 18th Century Brain (2008) and Don't Think of an Elephant: Know your Values and Frame the Debate (2004)


The Palin Choice
The Reality of the Political Mind


by George Lakoff

This election matters because of realities-the realities of global warming, the economy, the Middle East, nuclear proliferation, civil liberties, species extinction, poverty here and around the world, and on and on. Such realities are what make this election so very crucial, and how to deal with them is the substance of the Democratic platform <http://www.demconvention.com/assets/downloads/2008-democratic-platform-by-cmte-08-13-08.pdf> .direct link to PDF on HuffingtonPost website linked below.

Election campaigns matter because who gets elected can change reality. But election campaigns are primarily about the realities of voters' minds, which depend on how the candidates and the external realities are cognitively framed. They can be framed honestly or deceptively, effectively or clumsily. And they are always framed from the perspective of a worldview.

The Obama campaign has learned this. The Republicans have long known it, and the choice of Sarah Palin as their Vice-Presidential candidate reflects their expert understanding of the political mind and political marketing. Democrats who simply belittle the Palin choice are courting disaster. It must be t aken with the utmost seriousness.

The Democratic responses so far reflect external realities: she is inexperienced, knowing little or nothing about foreign policy or national issues; she is really an anti-feminist, wanting the government to enter women's lives to block abortion, but not wanting the government to guarantee equal pay for equal work, or provide adequate child health coverage, or child care, or early childhood education; she shills for the oil and gas industry on drilling; she denies the scientific truths of global warming and evolution; she misuses her political authority; she opposes sex education and her daughter is pregnant; and, rather than being a maverick, she is on the whole a radical right-wing ideologue.

All true, so far as we can tell.

But such truths may nonetheless be largely irrelevant to this campaign. That is the lesson Democrats must learn. They must learn the reality of the political mind.
(emphasis mine)

Here's why I'm worried...(rest of the article)

Heads up, [livejournal.com profile] zpdiduda, [livejournal.com profile] ef2p, [livejournal.com profile] joedecker, [livejournal.com profile] ozarque and others who grok language, persuasion, and politics...

Scares the HELL out of me that we might not GET a chance to make a real change. If the Dems lose because we can't frame the debate so it captures the minds and hearts of the AmPublic, well. It's a worry [livejournal.com profile] ozarque has expressed on multiple occasions. I agree - politics IS perception, but I don't have enough background to know what to do next, other than point as many people as I can, toward this very well-written explanation of the current landscape.

Go, read. Talk about it. Get INVOLVED...
labelleizzy: (boom-ti-yadda)
Lark was really fun.
I hit yesterday (friday) and was like - whoa, the week is over? what happened? =P We established routines very quickly and got very very busy. I think I started with 6 classes and ended with 5 every day.

but I learned lots, I probably have at LEAST three new cool friends and maybe more, two new hobbies, maybe more (and [livejournal.com profile] ribbin and [livejournal.com profile] miss_mimsy are gonna help me out with one at least, oh yes they are) and I have a new crush I think... heh. Oh, and I want to inherit Chris Caswell's teaching style and sense of humor when I get older... (not GONNA grow up...)

I feel tons stronger from hiking all over the place and dancing, except I tweaked my knee the last day of dance class so my knee and my lower lumbar muscles are duking it out for who is going to make my life more inconvenient... still ambulatory but the back hurts from overcompensating for the twang. I'll get my massage dude to pound hell out of my new muscles (yay for Aubre OMG she rocks my world SO hard!) and my new sore spot; that should help. Yay for Vitamin I.

Today we get to unpack, quick email check, wash clothes like crazy, soak in the tub, maybe reschedule the moving van by one day, depending on ppl's schedules.

Which I'm going to go check. Me geek, me write Livejournal first once I got my network and my browser working properly again. Heh!
labelleizzy: (Do it)
Here is me testing a new-for-me technique of blogging. Of communicating, and of political activism.



I believe Naomi Wolf is right.
I believe that the window of opportunity is closing, and that we, ALL OF US, will have to push to keep it open.
I believe that we have to ratchet up our efforts to protect our democracy and our own safety.

I believe that this country's Founders meant for all of us to stand up and protect government for the people, BY the people, if it is ever threatened.

Am I scared to speak out like this?

Hell yes.

but I remember the quote by Martin Niemoller:

"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up."

this is me, worried.

Watch the video. Thank you, Cherilyn, for pointing me in this direction, and for helping me wake up.

Elections are coming up.
Please pay attention. I will be trying to, also.

Scotty.

Oct. 2nd, 2007 07:13 pm
labelleizzy: (happy family)
I've been thinking about my brother a lot the last few days. Nothing like the onset of fall for remembering; to me the crisp cool weather and the grey skies just trigger sad, thoughtful retrospection.

Mom called tonight.

She said that Sarah, Scotty's wife, has made the decision to scatter Scotty's ashes and did it early early early yesterday morning. One factor was that Judy, Sarah's mom, was due to return to her own home, after an extended visit of support and love.

Another factor was that, for Sarah, it just felt right.

Mom reinforced in the phone call with Sarah and Judy earlier today, that it was Sarah's call, that while Jen and mom and I might have had our opinions and wishes, Sarah knew what he'd wanted, and that's exactly what she did.

you have three guesses as to where Sarah went yesterday morning at 5 am to scatter Scotty's earthly remains.

Read more... )



Rest in peace, Coach.
labelleizzy: (sad)
Parking lot meetings are sometimes quite productive. One at work for about half an hour with Karen, I think I helped her sort her thoughts out...

and tonight at the Safeway, the fella who helped me take the groceries out to the car has a son whose cancer is rare and getting worse. I realized for like, a split second, that I was tempted to one-up the guy (I definitely thought 'Scotty's was worse, was rarer, was...' - then I shut that inner voice up). That wasn't my role, that wasn't my job. For whatever reason, this guy confides in me, and he's moved here from Texas with his Pipefitters' pension, to try and take care of his 44 year old son who promised that "hey, dad? would you come out and stay with me, I promise if you do, I'll get better"... and he's like, 60 exactly, (he was 16 when his son was born) and I don't think he tells people what's going on with him, very often.

I shut up. I listened and made listening noise and eye contact. I told him I was going to pray for him, and I did.

and I called my mom tonight because I have been thinking of my dad and brother a lot the last week or so and I needed to talk to her. It was a good thing.
labelleizzy: (happy family)
for anyone wanting to send a remembrance or a donation... )
My mom said that Scotty will be cremated, per his wishes. I don't know yet what Sarah will be doing with his ashes.

thanks for all the love and support, people. it does help.

(as does a cat who insists on lying on my arm & keyboard while I'm trying to type. I have to keep craning my neck to see the letters.)
labelleizzy: (happy family)
My brother died this Sunday. Yes, while I was in Japan.

I'm dealing. Work is helping me sort stuff out so I don't have to try and teach when I'm, um. Upset.
*nods*

My brother's, um, widow. *handkerchief*
is doing a college fund for Aubrey Faith, in lieu of flowers.

So let me know if you'd like to contribute, eh? You could contribute anytime. And prayers and kind thoughts/energies are always welcome.



and if you want to help, you can ask me how I am when you see me. I posted to Barbarians list about this but haven't um. tried to read the messages yet. thanks for people's support so far.

If there's an upside to this, aside from Scotty not hurting anymore *handkerchief*
it's that compared to April 28, 1994, when my dad died (yeah, my mom gets two deathaversaries in the same month now...) I'm actually grieving. Took me like 6 or 7 YEARS to move out of cotton-wool-stuffed denial and irrational anger about my dad's going.

So I guess that's something. Stuff is moving.

Better get going.
labelleizzy: (Default)
LEARN, FORGET, RELEARN!

This is the Pattern! Until you really internalize it, make the knowledge a real part of you!

My struggles to learn about my relationship patterns mirror a time in high school when I struggled to learn the meaning of the word EPIPHANY. I had to look that word up in the dictionary every time I ran across it - must have been 5 or 6 times, had a little A-HA moment each time. At some point, I actually GOT it.
Ironic, huh?
It's also like a few minutes ago, when I tried to stretch my tight hamstring which was kinking up my lower back (again). By working the muscle isometrically (holding the leg static while tensing the muscle strongly and repeatedly) the pain and stiffness goes away. This worked better than a long walk, much better than a static stretch. And I know I've done this before, probably done it many times.

I had a habit of falling into manipulative and somewhat abusive relationships (not all of my relationships were like this, just about half) because they were familiar and comfortable as long as I refused to think about what was really going on, or what I really needed and wanted...

Perhaps, as they say, you cannot unlearn what has been learned.
But, you can sometimes, (I seem to have done so repeatedly) forget that you knew a thing, for months or even years at a time.

Reviewing records and career files yesterday: I knew in 1992 (wrote an essay) that I wanted, needed to be in an environment with supportive, positive coworkers, lots of people contact, working for an organization whose mission I can really get behind with all my heart.

So then, during my most recent two jobhunts (last late-summer and fall, and now) I've spent HOW much time, taking tests, and journalling, to find out the same exact results.
AGAIN.

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

"Already knowing" something is no use at all, if you can't pull it out of storage, activate it, and make it useful.

But now I've seen the pattern and I can try to keep aware.

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