So much better.
Now I want to have a day doing physical things.
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Just like two weeks ago when I had that shift where my shoulder released, this week goes workout, massage, workout. Massage was today, and I told Danniel about the progress of two weeks ago on the left shoulder, and asked him to work on the right, and a bit on places where I am sore from yesterday's workout...
working with Danniel feels like Safe Space. He has proved i can trust him. But it is WORK, sometimes more than others... to trust, to consciously relax and let someone cause me PAIN because I know if I can relax, and let him do what he's proved he's excellent at, I will make further physical progress in my struggle to gain full body Strength and Flexibility. (your mileage may vary, of course)
Today was excruciating all through both shoulders, down the pectorals, and through the big muscles that form the armpit, front and back.
part of what makes Danniel so special as a massage therapist is that I... well. I am very vocal during massage. I make a lot of what I know are noises not generally OK in public spaces... and I've never had him make me feel weird or wrong or even an iota uncomfortable for doing so.
and he does deep painful work, and uses my sounds as guides, digging in or holding steady as is needed.
I had an odd moment there this morning, where I felt like all the hollering and moaning and groaning was actually deep releases of very old pain, pain from times in my life when it wasn't safe or smart to grieve or express myself out loud. it's being an incredibly valuable experience to VOCALIZE when it hurts, even if, or maybe because, it's nonverbal noise. And because it's safe. I didn't have the privilege of crying with someone there to comfort me till I was well past 30... I appreciate this deeply on account of I didn't get to have it growing up.
I'm proud of myself for doing this healing work even when it's not "fun" or pleasurable. I'm learning to value myself in the physical realm and to do what's needed to take care of and maintain the health of my body.
my goal is to be a spry and flexible and juicy old broad, who laughs too loud and too long, who amuses and offends the neighbors, and who goes on all kinds of adventures with all kinds of friends.
And what I am doing now, is building strength and good habits slowly and carefully, so I can achieve that goal.
Looking cute was never enough motivation for me... but comparing confident and strong old ladies and weak, tottering old ladies at the gym?
well. which group do YOU want to be in?
I thought I had a lump in my breast.
Yes, THAT kind of lump.
Turns out I was wrong
thank GODS I was wrong
I didn't let myself have time to react today, to release, to let go of the holding-on I've been doing ever since I first suspected, something like two months ago...
and just finished a HARD workout with Tal... I told her about my appointment and my worries from today, and that I wanted to "sweat out all the stress"... she said, with a grin, "we can DO that!"
and we did.
but I kept up. *grin*
so, okay, once I stretched out and cooled down, I did wind up in the locker room ambushed by sobs for about a second.
like omg I dodged a bullet there kind of thing
like what am I doing with my life
just this enormous almost panic attack... can you have a "relief attack?"
shuddering, head on the bench, hunkered down, my face in the shirt I'm about to put on...
I'm outside now, baking in the car because I needed to write this down.
the value of being IN the body cannot be measured, and yet I usually take it for granted.
being in the Body fixes some things that the Mind creates.
I want to remember that.