labelleizzy: (Default)
I am sorry that it took me this long to recognize how patient you were with me, and how hard you tried to trust me and to let me be a part of your lives. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for us to continue being friends. Despite the pain we ended up causing each other, there was some good stuff there that I miss. But we really had so many communication problems that I really think it was for the best to end things and cut contact.

I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.

I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.
labelleizzy: (Default)

I can be a special kinda stupid. I can look willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. Perhaps I am actually stupid, willfully ignorant, and/or inconsiderate.



That is not my intention. I try to be the opposite of those things.



Intention doesn’t matter when someone feels they have been harmed by my actions.



So I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist and gonna unpack what’s going on. It’s gonna be rough. But that’s the grown-up​ thing to do, and in a case like this, it’s irresponsible to say “I don’t wanna adult today.”



All I can do is what I can do. The only person I can change is myself.

labelleizzy: (bunny writer)
it didn't feel like being crabs in a bucket
too lonely an experience for a plural metaphor.


though definitely there was a dragging down experience:
  • anything exceptional
  • anything experimental
  • anything that broke the status quo


I expected we'd be raising each other up
not pulling someone back to toe the line
I expected us all to reach for the stars
not speak only when spoken to

I didn't realize my teaching internship
landed me in a diploma-mill
churning out inferior product
with very few value-add options

Should I have known better?
I didn't.
I have always been too trusting.

I was sent into the trenches
to build bridges with cardboard
and I was guilty when the bridges failed.

when I asked for lumber they said
"There's no budget for that
You'll have to find that yourself."
And some of them smirked.

I was a hero
but I couldn't see it
all I could see was
muddy trenches and disrespect
for miles in every direction

and when I was discharged
grateful and ashamed
I took my papers and went away
glad and sorrowful
that I was too soft for these wars.

I tend my garden on this faraway hillside
watch the struggle from a distance
climb the cliffs seeking perspective -
and maybe some new way to stop the war.


(this is my entry for this week's [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol.)
labelleizzy: (Gaia)

I am on track to meet the homework Tal assigned: two cardio and one yoga, and try to eat 5 little meals every day.

 

Just spent two hours volunteering in the local Waldorf school's garden. The teacher is Anastasia, I like her very much. She's warm and earnest and shares knowledge compulsively. Today we pruned out some borage and fava bean stalks, (A. showed River and me nitrogen nodules on the roots of the fava bean), harvested artichokes (those plants are taller than ME), picked strawberries and squeezed lemons for pink lemonade which we then got to drink. Got to try purslane, guava-pineapple flower and jam made from the fruit (Anastasia's jam recipe!) Also got to try a South American root vegetable,sweeter than Jicama (can't recall its name, starts with H and rhymes with a former student's name).

 

I got up at 8 to go do this gig, and I'm TIRED. Thank goodness today's been overcast, and no sunburn.
I can't decide if I want to take yoga class today on top of the gardening. Hrm.

 

May go nap.

labelleizzy: (i dance)

Dance class had some ups & downs.

Up: still a great workout...
Down, I got my foot stomped
Up, very therapeutic
Down, I was brought to tears when Claire asked us, after dancing 90 minutes, to consider what in us was "precious" - fragile and worth cherishing... and I thought My Heart, my heart, it is so tender and unprotected... and I cried till tears dropped from my chin ...

but I have now, for the first time, referred to something about Myself as precious. I didn't even know I could DO that. :-/
I didn't know that was an option.


labelleizzy: (stoutness)
Got a brilliant deep tissue massage yesterday, meant to come home, eat, and then either go out to the gym or do yoga style stuff and light weightlifting at home. In the recent past, that's distributed the soreness from the massage and incorporated the virtue of the body work INTO my body.

what happened INSTEAD is, for whatever reason, I sat and read and did exercises in my motivation-discovery workbook. Which was productive, but my body stiffened up something good.

PRO: I found myself seeking intuitive movement throughout the evening, once I discovered my new stiffness. I found myself doing new things and old things - at one point I was in the kitchen, balanced on one foot and one hand with the other foot WAY up over my head, opening my hips and stretching and activating the gluteal muscles... cross-wise stretches... loose twisty movements with feet planted and arms flying loosely to wrap around me... bits of yoga on the carpet in the bedroom. So my body KNOWS how to sort this kind of thing.

CON: ...I'm still incredibly sore today. Feeling bruised. Nothing that will get in my way, but it's a thing to remember: make preparations to go directly to the gym, for 20 minutes if nothing else, and sweat that soreness out of the body. Ay yi yi.

Credo.

May. 18th, 2011 02:51 pm
labelleizzy: (trust)
I'm consuming too much media.
It interferes with my capacity for independent thought, interrupts ideas-in-progress.

YMMV, of course, but it's notable in my case.

Was thinking earlier today about what does it really mean to be grown up?
Adult?
A "Woman"?
A "Man"?

To put a different spin on it, when exactly do us Walking Wounded finally come to own our own souls?
Our bodies, our health, our own opinions and reality?


I had no concept of myself as lovable for the first 18 years of my life. I had no idea of myself as attractive, gorgeous, loved, until I was 20 (thanks, gorgeous and loved Irishman...) I had no idea of myself as a dancer till I joined Travellers' Union at age 22 and started to learn English Country Dance and Ballroom (Thanks, all you former Travellers!) I had no idea I could be athletic until I started taking TaeKwonDo (thanks, Master Rankins!) at age 26.

Of course, I didn't realize I could be broken, either. I challenged myself to try new things, always proceeding with caution, hesitantly. But I could feel my self stretching, growing, filling out, and dimly sensing that the possibility of *flowering* was there, even if I wasn't robust and juicy enough yet.

Then I backslid. I married the wrong guy (or, the right guy, because I did need the "another opportunity for growth" because I was STUCK and needed to be jarred loose). I fucked up my knee from trusting that my teachers knew my body and abilities better than I did (dumb, dumb, blind, thoughtless and dumb), and I coped with the first disease/problem that was the brush with death. That's when I discovered that doctors are not omniscient, they are human, and make mistakes. I worked on healing myself and in the time I thought I was face-to-face with my own ceasing-to-be, I looked at my blind spots and my dead spots and my not-broken-but-grew-crooked spots. And I started trying to remove the dead spots and enlivening the dead spots and retraining the grew-crooked spots.

Then I made progress. I worked with the Thiasos, a group of Hellenic Pagans based in Sacramento and the Bay area, and I started to learn what mattered. That *I* mattered. That *I* was a child of god, same as the trees and the stars (thanks, Desiderata!) That I was worthy. That I could be strong, but that I would have to work on it, since I had a habit of thinking of myself as weak. I learned that I was *beautiful* (Thanks, Adelphai! *wipes tears from eyes*) though it had to come to me as a surprise and after a lot of time working on my headspace. After that, I joined a learning coven, a Wicca 101 group, and started to work on becoming strong and principled.

Still I referred to myself as a "girl". A "girl" of thirty-something, because "woman" was ... fraught. Being "a woman" felt like more than I could claim for myself. I mostly referred to myself as a "person". "Woman" still is complicated (political, and with lots of connotations), but at 41 with the life experience I have? I'm finally referring to myself as a woman, because somewhere between 30 and 40 I actually DID "grow up:"

I did start taking responsibility for my own health and my own happiness.
I did start taking responsibility for my own life and my part in building or destroying my own relationships.
I did start making the conscious decision to strive to be kind and compassionate and truthful. To live my sense of what is right and true and ethical.

Whenever I start to feel like I'm treading water instead of making forward progress, I look at what I'm saying, and what I'm doing, and what I'm thinking. I look at where my relationships are, and if there is any place I have enough resources to help someone else - time, attention, energy, and sometimes money or goods.

One of the Christian philosophical systems has a saying: Lord, let me be an instrument of your peace. I add:
Lord, let me be an instrument of joy.
Lord, let me be an instrument of healing,
Lord, let me be an instrument of hope and compassion.

I am a grown up now. In my way of thinking, that entails a number of responsibilities.

If you have strengths, you use them in the service of weakness, and helping others become stronger.
If you have learning, you use it in the service of educating ignorance into knowledge.
If you have passion, you work to fan the flames of passion in the world: passion for justice, for truth, for beauty, for fairness.
If you have health, you use it to help others heal themselves.
If you have traveled from brokenness to wholeness? You work on helping others see and fix the broken wherever it is to be found.

And you know what? None of this is *easy*.
None of this Living on Planet Earth is easy. We get sick, we suffer. We hurt each other, intentionally and un.
We lose possessions we value. Maybe we learn something.
People we love die. We suffer. Maybe we learn something.
People around us suffer. Maybe today we have enough to share, a hand to stretch out in comfort. Maybe we are the ones suffering, and hoping to have the comfort of another's hand. And maybe we learn something.

and maybe? maybe what we learn? is that's what Love is.
maybe once we stop being afraid, we can put Love to work in our lives.
For real.
And maybe that is all the Change we need.



If Love drives out Fear, how do we make sure everyone has enough Love? How do we help people Not be Afraid?

It starts with me. It starts with one word, one hug, one (dumb) little post on the internet.



And the courage to make it public.

It's easy to write for people I've chosen, people I know I can trust. I'm going to stretch my trusting muscle farther today.


Remember. Love. Learn. Hope.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Sometimes I think I want to be the 21 year old self I once was, to make decisions this 41 year old self thinks would be better ones.

But that's like expecting a year-old sapling to become a Louisville Slugger, or the roof beam of some ancient cathedral.

Age, meet Wisdom. FINALLY.

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