labelleizzy: (Scotty)
Today's my little brother's​ deathaversary.
Mom called me a couple of minutes ago. I hadn't truthfully been thinking about it, or him, today...
I have such a good life now. This makes the ... No... TENTH anniversary. Shit. Shit.

I loved him but it feels like I barely knew him.
I don't know what to do with this right now, now it's brought to the surface. I'mma go be productive.
labelleizzy: (Default)
It’s 2 am. I’m up way past my bedtime because of reasons, namely that my brain won’t shut up and I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD and I don’t know what to do about it. Feels like I’ve been breaking any good things in my life, my whole life.
Only thing to give me peace tonight (this morning) is realizing that I am allowed to ask for help. I have two or three points of contact who may prove helpful. My therapist is one.
Depression sucks. ADHD sucks. Unemployment sucks. I have really good things in my life and I know it, intellectually, but I can’t keep them in focus right now.
I’m going to ask for help. Because I said I would.
This post is how I’m gonna keep myself accountable. Xposting to dreamwidth.
If you struggle with depression, ADHD, lack of purpose, lack of self worth, I’d like to hear from you.

adhd actually adhd depression low self worth low self confidence bad night help request because i said i would accountability gdi brain of course that's a tag
5 notes
Apr 9th, 2017

Goodbye LJ

Apr. 6th, 2017 10:47 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
Fuckity hell, I'm going to miss livejournal. So many good memories, conversations. Lj Idol. Fanfiction​ and icon communities.

And I just learned so much about myself, because instead of writing only for myself, I had an audience for the first time. People who read what I had to say, responded, gave advice and comfort. People who became friends though we've never met face to face. People who made me think, cry, empathize.

Not happy about it but I know I'll delete my LJ eventually. For now I've locked down my previously public posts and I'll see what happens next.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Something I might actually say to some people:

"I know that you had a range of possible choices about how to react in this situation. I'm not sure I understand why you felt it necessary to react in the way you chose to. Nor am I sure about what the end result is you want after your declared choices."
labelleizzy: (Default)
Came to realize today that working out meets my physical needs but also my depression needs, and my ADHD needs. It meets the depression needs by giving me the endorphins. I always feel better and more cheerful after workout. Meets the ADHD needs by providing structure. Working with a trainer helps give me much needed social time/interpersonal time, and because my trainer is how she is, she provides praise readily and she provides corrections so that I'm doing things right. I always feel calm after working with her because she always tells me what I need to do to make sure I'm doing it correctly, and she praises me when I do it right so there's emotional needs that get met in the course of a workout that I wasn't even realizing.

I'm so glad I can afford this investment in my health. I'm so damn glad.
labelleizzy: (Default)
new moon in my trad means a time of getting rid of things, clearing spaces for new things to have room to grow or manifest, destroying things to make new things, new beginnings. Tonight I plan to have a small concentrated burn, if the weather stays fine. I will accept one or two-word phrases from each person submitting that I will write on slips of paper and then burn them between now and midnight tonight PST.

Tonight with the dark of the moon, I release... “fear” “worry” “my pain” “grief” “obstacles” are all examples of the sort of thing I want to encourage. Keep it simple kids, and we can all have a go. Write a paragraph and I’ll select one word out of it, which might not be the word you actually want me to get witchy on.

Community Service Witch is _IN_
labelleizzy: (Default)

I can be a special kinda stupid. I can look willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. Perhaps I am actually stupid, willfully ignorant, and/or inconsiderate.



That is not my intention. I try to be the opposite of those things.



Intention doesn’t matter when someone feels they have been harmed by my actions.



So I’ve booked an appointment with my therapist and gonna unpack what’s going on. It’s gonna be rough. But that’s the grown-up​ thing to do, and in a case like this, it’s irresponsible to say “I don’t wanna adult today.”



All I can do is what I can do. The only person I can change is myself.

labelleizzy: (Default)
Today is going to be a tough day, internally/emotionally.
Food tastes like ashes and I'm kind of numb.

Just need to remember to breathe and to do the rest of the good things that get me through the day.

*hugs* if they're wanted.
labelleizzy: (Default)
[personal profile] hitchhiker:
March 17 at 12:14pm ·
I've always felt there should be a better term than "hallmark holiday" to describe the mainstream commercialisation of holidays like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo that have actual significance to a group of people. [personal profile] labelleizzy just came up with the wonderful "plastic holiday", which describes the phenomenon to a T.

7 You, [personal profile] aelfie, [profile] wuukiee and 4 others

Comments

R A: I have to think about this. I'd prefer a term that more clearly underlines the way that crass commercialism has co-opted what had originally been a genuine celebration or remembrance.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:17pm

M E H: Hmmn. I have only heard the term Hallmark Holiday used to refer to things like Valentines Day or Mother's Day.
Like · Reply · 1 · March 17 at 12:54pm

[personal profile] hitchhiker: yes, precisely, which is why I was reluctant to use it for this. it's a different problem and should not be conflated
Like · Reply · March 17 at 1:46pm

[profile] wuukiee: Mardi Gras, too
Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:03pm

[personal profile] labelleizzy: My dad used Hallmark holidays to refer to Valentine's day, mother's day and father's day, all of those.
We didn't grow up in any faith system, so holidays always felt like going through meaningless motions. I've had anger at how St Patrick's​ has been advertised and made commercial, also Cinco de Mayo. They're not real cultural celebration, they're not authentic, they're plastic, fake, not nourishing.

Like · Reply · 2 · March 17 at 1:05pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
Today is st. Patrick's Day. I came up with the term earlier today that suddenly Define for me what these sort of overly emphasized and made up holidays and American culture really are to me.

Plastic holidays.

My dad used to call Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, and a lot of other such holidays quote Hallmark holidays unquote. Because in his mind they seemed to exist only to sell more greeting cards. So that's where I'm coming from.

But St. Patrick's Day, it's not even a real holiday even in a Catholic calendar, not really a holiday in the same way that Cinco de Mayo isn't really an important historical date in Mexican history. And what I feel has happened is that these relatively innocuous holiday dates have somehow been glomped up on by American pop culture as an excuse to party, overindulge, and get drunk.

In that same vein, then this afternoon I was thinking about the Disney movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And remember their holiday of Topsy Turvy day? I read at some point *cough history nerd cough* that holidays like that exist in the same way that Mardi Gras exists; which is they are safety valves for the restlessness of the popular folk or the poor folk or the little guys.

The more authoritarian, the more controlling, the more class segregated, a culture is, or the more judgemental and repressed they are about sex (music, dancing, art), the greater the need for the kind of Festival that allows Dionysus to really come out.

That's how we put it in one of my Faith Traditions. It is the necessary Madness in Greek paganism. We call it the Lesser Madness, and we accept the Lesser Madness in order to prevent the greater Madness from taking over. The big problem right now, as I see it, is that the greater Madness is going to come and take control.

Our culture is fucked up in so many ways: the belief that the richer you are the more deserving/virtuous/admirable you are. The deliberate breaking of the education system so that only so many people really succeed in getting educated or in learning how to think clearly. The pervasive baked in sexism and racism that prevents so many people from achieving their dreams, their goals, or even, LITERALLY, continued existence.

The Lesser Madness is on the verge of no longer being able to function as a safety valve in American society. The Powers That Be are drowning us all, pissing us off to satisfy their endless horrific greed. Their disregard and cruelty towards "lesser mortals" endangers vulnerable lives in every walk of life, in every time of life from infancy through eldering.

Americans are learning to SEE. Americans are learning, again, to defend our rights. And the "safety valve" is going to blow CLEAN OFF. It already is, as those in the government making a power grab fail to understand that they have awoken the sleeping Leviathan with their unsubtle callous jerking back and forth at the reins.

It's probably better for us, actually, that they are so incompetent. And so disregarding of our agency, power, and willingness to Fuck Shit Up.

The steam engine of this experiment in democracy seems about ready to blow up because the conductor keeps shoveling coal in and disregarding the dials because he doesn't want to control himself.

You know *scratching chin* they probably could have kept fleecing us for a hell of a long time if they'd only gone about it in a moderate fashion. But I think between Flint, Michigan, Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, so so many others, so many failures to protect the people, so many failures to look after us, the sheep are going to stampede and trample a bunch of shit, bring confusion to our enemies.

And some of the sheep ain't sheep at all. We're dragons with wings and roars and fire. We're manticores with poison fangs and lion's claws. We're fae, we're tiny enough to get between the gears of the machine and fuck shit up that way, or we're giant amazons, in seven league boots, bearing giant spiked bats made for smashing.

And those that think they control us and can harvest us at their liking will have another think coming.

Smash the Patriarchy.

further reading: Normal is coming unhinged. For the last eight years it has been possible for most people (at least in the relatively privileged classes) to believe that society is sound, that the system, though creaky, basically works, and that the progressive deterioration of everything from ecology to economy is a temporary deviation from the evolutionary imperative of progress...
labelleizzy: (Default)
I'm on a boat! The JoCoCrazy Cruise #7. Good fun, meeting some very cool and fun nerds. Actually chatting a bit with N who was a crush of mine 2 years ago that I handled badly so that kind of feels good. I have a new brain!Crush on Yessika who's currently living in Seattle, she's smart and funny and tattooed and we share some fandoms (most particularly Check, please!) plus she's mentioned a few others I may go try.
Concert last night was good fun, and next up is a forum on international day of the woman (today)... There's a Poly meetup tonight, and Jeff and I are thinking of hosting a gathering in our suite tomorrow. More fun stuff upcoming...
In news of the hand recovery... I seem to alternating days of loads of PT and days of just use it as normally as possible, and the recovery is slow and steady. Enh. I'm still impatient and want it to be "fixed already" but yeah. It is what it is, it heals at its own pace.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Healing progress report.
Grip strength decent ish. Some tingles and pins/needles when I use the full hand/put pressure on it to do things. Feels like my nerves are still confused. Still waking up swollen every damn morning. Got a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow and I think Larry will be able to adjust shoulder-elbow-wrist-finger for some damn relief. Ring and pinky finger are still too swollen -stiff to fold, though thumb adjustment mentioned in the last post is holding, no pain/swelling on that side anymore.

Preparing to leave on a trip Friday. Today's for packing lists and laundry, a haircut, and some minor repairs. Oh, and ordering bikini tops for express delivery, heh.

Time to get to work!
labelleizzy: (Default)
We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them.
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.
In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of lsummer,
We remember them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.
When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.
So long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us,
As we remember them.

Text by Rabbis Sylvan Kamens and Jack Riemer from Gates of Prayer, R.B. Gittelsohn
labelleizzy: (Default)
Physical Therapy feels like it's going slow, but still, I can do a lot of stuff I haven't been able to.
Grip strength of the right hand isn't great, but it's mostly reliable and seems to be improving. *shrug*

One cool thing that I hope is actually progress: (background) I have a habit of cracking my knuckles and tugging on my fingers. (Mom says we have a family history of arthritis in the knuckles ugh)
The hand that's healing has been staying swollen for a lot of the day. Today I got in the hot tub and soaked hand and body awhile. The swelling went down and has pretty much stayed down.

Just now I was thinking about seeing the chiropractor, and wondering if he can adjust fingers. I think I remember him doing it. And I have had a swollen painful root-joint of the thumb pretty much this whole time.

So I tugged on the thumb a bit, had a bit of bright pain, but now I can touch my thumb across to my pinky, and the whole thumb-wrist part hurts less. I think I might have encouraged a tendon to move over just a bit, to go back to where it normally belongs! (*fingers crossed*)

Before I forget I'm going to take some more acetaminophen (I do miss ibuprofen but it clashes with one of my other meds) and hope to keep the swelling down.

The rest of my life is okay, and we have a houseguest this weekend, so I must dash!
labelleizzy: (Default)
I was feeling insecure and low about the new person I've started seeing.
Was like, IDK when I'm going to get to see her, what if she doesn't want to anymore, the insecurity brainweasels just set up shop and were gonna settle in for the long haul

and then I thought of how I would describe the situation to y'all.

and the truth is, she's a single mom with shared custody,
she's a full time student,
she's seeing other people, not just me,
and she just had some important scary family medical stuff go down.

and I went, "duh. Of course she doesn't have time JUST RIGHT NOW."

and like, I allowed myself to relax and to, like, go live my own life. Cos she's got to live hers.

I'm allowed to WANT things, but nobody's obligated to totally rearrange their life so that I get them.

...I should maybe figure out how the hell to tell someone I want to see more of them without scaring them.

#lifegoals #isuppose

anyway.

just wanted to say thanks Blogiverse for a way out of my own head.

*mwah*
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thinking today about my oldest, meanest, most tenacious brainweasels. Wondering if I can none to name them, shame them, give them more productive jobs.

One might be called, "you're better off alone, you can't depend on them anyway" and another said "shouldn't bother them, you'll only be inconvenient or worse offend them." Another said, "you can't do it right why bother".

There are more, but I wanna just think about those three for a minute, breathe into the pain those names cause, pain and regret and missed opportunities.

Feel free to share about your own brainweasels. Pretty sure they attack in droves.
labelleizzy: (hands)
Physical therapy appointment today for my hand. It's been a bit clawlike since I got the cast off two weeks ago. No grip strength, well, grip strength coming back slowly.

Orthopedic doc and x-rays yesterday, stuff looked good, I got the referral for today's appointment.

The PT was tall and skinny-strong, and we had a good talk about how to take proper care of my hand. I've got a series of stretches and strengthening exercises to do, and flexibility work. I'm sore in different ways now than I was this morning, and hope for some great progress pretty fast. I've already got a noticeable difference after icing my hand three times and running several sets of these exercises.

Oh, and the annual pagan convention is tomorrow and over the weekend, so there's some fun stuff to look forward to!
labelleizzy: (dealing with demons)
today my friend Jade_Falcon let me know that our mutual friend was thinking about killing herself

he said i don't know what to do
I thought i don't know what the fuck to do either
he said I'm twisting her arm to talk to you
I was scared to do it but more scared not to.

she did talk to me
I talked kind of a lot
told her about my own crisis and my own pain
reflected what I understood about hers
and told her I love her
several times.

the most fucked up part is that she's so broke that a giant part of her motivation to off herself was so her kids would go into foster care and out of the essentially slave-labor living situation she's in right now, and that maybe they would have a chance to be happy.

I'm not broke and in a bit of poetic justice, the person who she's living with (and working, unpaid, for) owed me money and actually, shocker, PAID it. I set it aside as a "get out of hell fund" for her, and that made the difference.

so now she's got enough distance from the situation, to see that her newly-ex, ex, really has been a gold plated turd. He just messaged all their mutual friends to tell them she was like psychotic and making things up. Like within a couple of hours of breaking up with her, this is what he does.

I'm feeling a bit wrung out right now, and I'll be off the internet for a couple hours, but I'm really proud of myself and of HER. the pile of shit she's digging out from under is really unbelievable and I'm not surprised she thought she was drowning.

I hope that our life preserver will hold long enough that she either finds a good boat or some dry land.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Hi folks,

Remember to change your passwords occasionally.

it just occurred to me HOW LONG I'd kept the password the same here and in other social media sites.

...
yeah.

time to change all the things and make everything just that one little bit more secure.

A gift...

Feb. 14th, 2017 05:47 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
i know you
not your body
far away and stranger
but your soul of kindness
injuries never mistaken
for weakness
bend, my lady,
but you will never break

By Marci B


... She said she writes "crappy love poems" for Valentine's day for whoever asks for them.

This is... The opposite of crap.
This is the kind of thing I want to do up in calligraphy and hang on my wall to see every morning when I wake up.

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