labelleizzy: (networking)
Hi there.

This is where you should comment if you know me IRL or perhaps have met me via a community here on LJ.
I'm not averse to having new Friends, and you are welcome to add my journal. Usually I will read some of your journal first before deciding whether to add your journal to my filters.

A few posts are public so people can see if they like my writing.

(June 11, 2007)
(Edit October 10, 2009)
labelleizzy: (Default)
Homework: write list of affirmation (I am, Liz is, Lizzie, you are)

Lara wants me to write lists of affirmations, and she said by using different ways to access the brain new things can come to light. so, first person, third person, second person.

I've done something similar before in exercises to access my subconscious mind. Feri calls that part of us, Fetch, also known as Child-self. Fetch is the part of ourselves that cannot be accessed by words or logic, it's nonverbal, responds to and communicates by way of sensory input and feelings: colors, smells, texture, I like, I don't like, crying, laughing.

anyway. that's kind of a digression, but not entirely so.

and welp, I don't really have any idea how to do affirmations. We were doing some short breathing meditations on Thursday and she was talking me through it and one thing she said was to "celebrate your successes" and my brain just... like a needle scratch across a 45 record. Like those words, they didn't parse.

1) Celebrate ME?
and
2) I don't even know what success IS. How can I grasp it long enough to celebrate it, and note 1).

*sour face*

I know that is entirely the wrong way to go about this assignment. I'm okay with being stuck for the moment.

Arbitrarily I'm picking TEN as how many genuine affirmations I have to come up with. I'm going to go look up the proper definition, and I'm going to promise myself to not be weasel worded with my list.

I want to be authentic, and to really give myself a frame.

I spend entirely too much time in my head, chewing over all the ways I'm certain I've fucked up, broken things, made irredeemable or unforgivable mistakes. I'm not even very good at faking that I think I'm all that.

The one thing I have going for me right now with regard to my mental health, is my vivid memories of how shitty the inside of my head used to be, before therapy, before beloved friends taught me about community and ritual, before I learned some new coping skills and strategies to get around my constant mental noise and chaos.

I do know that I'm LOTS better than I was 20 years ago.
that can be my first affirmation, because it's definitely true.

I am healthier stronger and I cope much better with my life and my stress than I did 20 years ago (@ age 27)
I am proud of myself for my commitment to my own physical fitness, health and well being. Go me!
I am in love with moving my body in beautiful and pleasurable ways.
I am looking forward to growing older in strength, passion, and my hopes to help fix the world.

Liz is learning to balance generosity with self care and not be a fucking martyr.
Liz is no longer in love with or clinging to her own pain.
Liz is worth someone wanting to get to know her and share dreams together.
Liz is getting over her fear of trying new things that she nonetheless WANTS (yay ukelele! yay dating!)

Lizzie, you are kind and generous and you're learning to be gentle.
Lizzie, you are welcome in the world, there is space for you to contribute and be useful and loved.
Lizzie, you are big hearted and creative, with a million ideas and possible solutions.
Lizzie, you are continuing to forge your own path and it's gonna be hard, but you can definitely do this thing.


I have a community. I have a safe home. I have ... security. And that's all still hard to believe sometimes, since I know there are old riverbeds in which it's easy to let the waters run... but I've chosen a new watercourse, and I'm using what I have to try to make a difference, instead of dwelling and staying stuck in my old crapola. I'm strong enough. I'm flexible enough. I'm determined enough, and I'm creative enough.

I wrote a poem on May 4.
it looks better in the handwriting but here it is:

SELF LOVE
is a
RADICAL ACT
of
REBELLION
against
THE POWERS THAT BE
who want you and us to
FEEL HELPLESS
TRAPPED
POWERLESS
LONELY, UNLOVED
WORTHLESS STUCK

LOVING YOURSELF
FEELS GOOD and is
GOOD FOR YOU and can
LET YOU HEAL all your WOUNDS
labelleizzy: (Default)
I am sorry that it took me this long to recognize how patient you were with me, and how hard you tried to trust me and to let me be a part of your lives. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for us to continue being friends. Despite the pain we ended up causing each other, there was some good stuff there that I miss. But we really had so many communication problems that I really think it was for the best to end things and cut contact.

I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.

I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Q: What prevents me from getting started?
Q: What are the obstacles and impediments?
Q: What are my goals?


I'm keeping myself accountable for this writing by way of a facebook post where I asked friends to say: write the thing! and give me a number between 1 and 9, labeling each writing prompt with a number in my ADHD journal.

Actually the goals part is the most difficult, so it's appropriate to use it for last.
shall I write about writing? or about this therapeutic process to address the impact of adhd in my life, now that I know something about that being a THING for me?

I think I'd prefer to write about the therapy process and unpack some ideas or thoughts or just basically ... well, hopefully do better than just word-vomit but I shan't make any promises tonight. I have 10 prompts I've culled from the group on monday and therapy with Lara yesterday.

Q1) What prevents me from getting started?
--- Interest. Now that nobody's making me do shit, now I'm not accountable to a boss, a schedule, a clientele (well not precisely) I mainly spend my days doing what I want with a few commitments per week, mostly self inflicted. There's stuff that I know I COULD be doing, even SHOULD be doing,
...and I don't. I don't do them.

I used to judge myself on that, but I don't. I used to tear myself up about that, but I don't. Thank god, I used to literally be my own worst enemy that way.

---Accountability. For reasons that I hope to be able to dig into later, accountability is huge in my motivational force. If I promise to someone I will do something, I will do it solely BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD and that seems to be sufficient. If someone asks me to do something, and it's pretty direct, like Jeff asks will I pull out that part of the garden full of aphids, and I say I will, that seems to be sufficient.

However. If I don't have some kind of outside accountability, I don't do things on any kind of coherent timeline. Which is maybe not always important, but like, it feels like it would be good to shower three times a week, but I can't always hit that. And sometimes that's the depression, but also that I don't get enough human f2f feedback to notice and then to feel embarrassed when I stink.

I've actually planned to chain the showering habit to the working out habit... but haven't been successful. I don't at the moment know how to force that.

Maybe I could find a depression/neurodivergent partner, who also has a not-daily habit they want to build, and we could encourage each other.

It seems that I am better about keeping other people on track than I am at keeping myself on track.
also I am better about staying on track if I have someone else helping me stay accountable.

The last writing prompt out of ten, is, why is it more effective to have Lara or anyone else, tell me what to do, than it is for ME to tell me what to do, in this accomplishing tasks.

1) The oldest part of my brain says because what I want doesn't matter. Because you're always supposed to put other people first, because you can't figure stuff out on your own. (interesting that I chose to use second-person there...hmmm) There's a LOT of old messages there, traceries of a former self. What my friend Chelsea recently called... something like spent seed pods, or carapaces, or used envelopes.

what I want DOES MATTER. I don't ALWAYS have to put other people first, I am ALLOWED to be first on my own priority list godsdammit! and I definitely CAN FIGURE STUFF OUT ON MY OWN but I do have old learned helplessness and my constant fight against distraction to get the stuff figured out, and then the steps sorted out, and then get the shit DONE.

2) when I was teaching about study skills (bear with me a moment, it will become relevant) I had the kids take a test which would help them figure out what their learning style was like. Howard Gardner had a theory of Multiple Intelligences, for which there are Varied tests, now available on the internet. (gosh that would have been much more easy and fun to do on the internet! but it was nearly fifteen years ago that I started that unit, & in an inner city school with limited computer resources.)

I suspect that I have a deep need for interpersonal learning. I'm only sometimes good at teaching myself new skills; I hunger for someone to see me and teach me. I love dance class and working with my trainer for that... but having a teacher teach me and walk me through the material, help me build skills? so much more satisfying than YouTubing my way through something new. (I bet Jeff has a strong intrapersonal learning drive. It would make so much sense.)

What are my goals?
  • I want to feel productive, truly productive, every day.
  • I want to help other people every day. (I can be the person helped, it's allowed. *smile*)
  • I want to feel like my mind and my time are under my guidance and control.


That last item is going to require a new skills base, or a return to old skills (Flylady or Franklin-Covey 7 Habits territory), probably some new skills base. My needs are different now than when I first learned those, ages and ages ago. My mind is different.

Okay. that's enough for the first two prompts.

Thanks for listening, hopefully this isn't too much of a plate of scrambled spaghetti noodles for anyone but me to find benefit in.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Having this broken hand , has been a whole exercise in how to put up with doing things imperfectly. (she says as she edits the post)

Dictation at the moment, speech-to-text, it's one of the accommodations I started using pretty early on in the healing process after breaking the base of my pinky and top off of my radius my right hand , on New Year's Eve. Doing things imperfectly doesn't come easy to me. More prone to refusing to try to do something. I'm more likely to give up easy after trying to do something if it doesn't come easy. One positive thing for me about the ADHD: learning that that's a trait! it's a thing about the way that this kind of brain works.

But actually I was swimming (wtf? not even close to what I said) to post about this today because had a lovely visit with Allison and Fritz , including a delicious dinner, a seriously delicious dinner. But something about walking into their house today for some reason gave me an insight into something new that I needed to do for my hand? I suddenly flashed on there was a new place to try to massage and stretch that I hadn't tried before.

Maybe this has to do somehow with Alison being a massage therapist but anyway I found some incredibly painful and Incredibly needed places in between my fingers to massage right at the point where the fingers' flesh joins each other to become the hand and had a breakthrough! (sudden breakup/breakdown of incredibly tight fascia according to Alison.)

I woke up a little while ago or half woke up cuz it's quarter to 5 in the morning right now, full moon is still out and shining through the bedroom window, I woke myself up massaging my hand again and doing Hand Therapy again. It feels different now, than it did yesterday because of the work I was figuring out how to do today and then Allison worked on my hand a little bit too which also helped and she had a heating kind of massage oil which seems to be very effective so high hopes for the flexibility in the healing of my hand and arm to maybe we've turned up what do they call it maybe I've turned a corner? I think that's the right turn of phrase so I just wanted to get up, empty my brain for a minute, and I'm going to have to edit this later because speech to text never works perfectly.

Hopefully I'll be able to go get some more sleep now. And forgive all the weird word choices from this very very stream of consciousness post. And wish me well with my hand? Suddenly feeling much less angra vated (wtf speech to text that's not even a word?) AGGRAVATED with it and the long long time it has been taking to heal.

thanks for listening.
labelleizzy: (Default)
A bunch of us who grew up touch starved developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I would like to share, please, the healthiest coping mechanism I’ve found for wanting the kind and quality of touch that I need, when I can’t get enough of it. And all it needs time, hot water, soap, and like $5.00!
Trader Joe’s Lavender Salt Scrub costs like $3.99 in store. Amazon has it listed at $15.00!! Plus shipping! Duh, don’t buy it on Amazon then…

Pretty easy to make a salt scrub at home if you don’t have a TJ’s. Olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil, or any kind of thick massage quality oil, with the same amount of non iodized salt and maybe a few drops of an essential oil. Lavender is good because it’s a natural antimicrobial, but you do you.

Exfoliating is pretty simple, it’s a bit rough on your skin till you get used to it but good grief does my skin feel amazing, soft & smooth right now, hands, arms, shoulders, legs, torso. And NOTHING ITCHES right now except for that spot I can’t reach in the middle of my back.

I like to get in the shower, wash my hair first, then turn off the water to scrub my skin. I do hands, then arms (underarms feels SO GOOD to scrub but please don’t try this just after shaving if you shave!), shoulders, boobs and torso, butt and hips, legs and feet, and face is last (and most gentle).

Then I get some soap on my scrubbie, get me and it gently wet, wipe off remaining salt and excess oil, before resoaping and washing as usual.

Many years ago, I left my ex husband, for a bunch of reasons but one of them was, that he refused to touch me in the ways I asked him to, the ways I needed. And I wrote myself a reminder:

“If nobody else is touching you in ways that you need, you need to do it for yourself.”

I forget this sometimes. It can be hard to get enough warm tight hugs, or enough neck kisses, or other things I wish I had more of and don’t seem to know how to ask for, how to get. But I can definitely treat myself on a Saturday afternoon, scrub my bod, cut my nails, do my hair.

I can do this for myself, and so can you, mostly. If this specific technique doesn’t work for you, or if you are differently-abled than I am (which is mostly able) then i encourage you to adapt.

You can still pamper yourself. You can still feed yourself in the non food ways, you can still treat yourself with kindness and gentleness (yes, for some of us it takes conscious practice, I know and realize).

Love yourself enough to care for your body, listen to what it needs, and do what you can to provide that.
I love all y'all. I finally love myself, too. (Mid forties fat cis woman.)

Take good care of each other and of yourselves, please.

#touch #deliberate touching #touch me #gentle touch #loving touch #self-care #touch starved #touch starvation #kindness #massage #exfoliating #exfoliate #exfoliante #exfoliantscrub #grooming #love yourself treatyoself

Hoarding...

Jun. 6th, 2017 09:27 am
labelleizzy: (dealing with demons)
My sister in law suffers from something I still fight against, which is hoarding.

She said, "I sort and organize but the actual removal of stuff... is so hard to get my mind around why I have such attachments."

I said, "I can only speak of myself but I had attachments because I had fear. Fear of forgetting, so I kept all the papers commemorating things I went to, movies and shows and concerts I saw. I kept all the birthday cards, even from my childhood, and people I didn't remember anymore, because at one point, someone made the effort to give me a card, and that was meaningful to me then."

I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel safe or secure. I came to an early conclusion (younger than 10) that "stuff was supposed to make you happy" because that's what they said all the time on TV? And back then I thought they weren't allowed to lie to us on TV.

It took me a long time to realize that what I was and what I wanted, was different than what the TV or my family or stories or magazines wanted me to be and want. And to put aside those messages that weren't ME.

I was well past 30, not gonna lie.

I started by reading more about how other people had gotten organized, had purged their clutter.
Clutter's Last Stand.
The Flylady's mailing list and website.
SARK'S concept of "micromovements" to get started.
Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui.

And I realized that thoughts and feelings and attitudes were clutter too, frequently. (*)

Is it useful? Do I love it?

William Morris, the English designer, said, "have nothing in your home which you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."

I try to live by that one.

I don't yell at myself or best myself up anymore. My self chastisement is gentle, infrequent, and frequently full of humor. Blaming myself for the past, or for my mistakes, was a toxic cycle that helped NOTHING. Just bogged me down in misery.

I didn't want to be miserable. I started making different choices.

What I wanted was for things to be simpler, and to be happier. So I worked on those things, like I work on a rosebush. If something's dead, you cut it off. If the branches are too crowded, or the flowers are, you make choices to maximize beauty, health, and growth, and you cut away the rest and discard it.

But sometimes the rosebush isn't flourishing, and it doesn't need to be cut back, cut down. Parts of our life can be like that too. There's a lot of times where there's not ENOUGH to bloom. Not enough water, or sunlight, or fertilizer.

Sometimes you can nurse a rosebush back to health, if you can figure out what is wrong.

Sometimes you can't figure it out, and the bush dies. And then you have to discard it and start over.

But honestly? Sometimes you don't even WANT a 🌹 (rose). Sometimes you don't even know that you didn't want a rose, maybe you wanted a 🌷(tulip) or a daisy. Or an oak tree! Or a tomato bush!

But if you started with a rosebush, or your whole family takes care of roses, maybe you didn't know you could choose something different.

I'm just saying. It's YOUR garden. Nobody else's. You spend all your time in it. You spend your LIFE in it.

It should be, it IS, your choice what you cultivate, what you grow, what you discard or compost.

I know nobody gets to choose how they spend 100% of their time. But that doesn't mean you don't have choices.

You do.

Now I'm going to go do some household chores.
Gonna go weed my "garden". :)

(*) Slightly different techniques are required to ditch/purge/prune ugly, dead, or impedimentary thoughts and feelings.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Week long trip to Kaua'i is drawing to an end.
Lord, I have a lot of things that I want to learn about Hawaiian history, botany, culture, politics!

I can make a long post once I'm home.
And hopefully figure out how to post photos into Dreamwidth.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Yesterday was a day for what Louisa May Alcott called, IIRC, "the black megrims" (aka depression)
which, I can't believe I remember that since it's been so long that I haven't read her stuff.

but I posted to Facebook,

Hey, y'all.
The Black Dog has me
tight in his jaws tonight.
prayers or good thoughts
or mental health spoons would be welcome.


and like, something like 80 people commented with encouragement?

I had dinner at the Thai place, wrote some self care stuff down, and also wrote down the obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon).

After dinner, went for a long drive up 280. Got lost for about a minute because I had remembered there was somehow to turn around and go back south again at the junction for 92, wound up in a pull-out for a few minutes to let traffic clear so I could u-turn safely.

(note: the Prius headlights may need adjusting, field of vision when driving uphill is terrifyingly short)

and I came home, piled into bed, slept like the dead.

Didn't pile everything onto Jeff, which is good. Didn't drink to drunk, which is good. (had one beer with dinner, was tempted to drink to the point of stupid and resisted the temptation.)

I did good self care.

I can be proud of myself.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Spent a week staying at Jenn and Drew's, taking care of their kids (they're ​adorable little not-really monsters). About to head out for most of a week sleeping in a motel room and visiting Ayla and HER kids.
Then in two weeks I get to go to Kauai for a week with Jeff, Luci, Janise, xtyn and her Brian. Suddenly May is crazy of travel and sleeping away.
labelleizzy: (Default)
very quick post
as I need to breakfast and then hit the gym
...sigh

it's uncomfortable to admit the difference between what I thought I was doing and what I was actually doing.
what I was trying to do and what my brain basically had me HAVE to do.

I'll be dropping bits here as I continue to read the adhd book from the library. But one thing I learned today is that the kinds of self-talk I've been slowly training myself out of? have NAMES. Like, you can categorize them into disasterizing, binary thinking... I wish I had the book here, I'll have to edit this later.

I'm kind of in the grief stage. Realizing how different things might have been if adhd in girls was something that they knew about when I was still in primary school or high school. But in the 80's, they had only just begun to recognize add/adhd as a thing.

it wasn't. It didn't. They didn't. I didn't.

it's so damn hard to see the back of your own head.

Not like all my work towards self knowledge is wasted, it's the foundation of the work I'm going to continue doing.

AND I think I may have helped my niece, who is my beloved magpie girl. She's showing all the signs and more of my own distraction, difficulty scheduling, keeping on task, good intentions and poor execution. Pile of failing progress report grades on recent reports from school, her parents are going YIKES

so I told my sister I'd been recently diagnosed with adhd and what I remembered from high school sounded like how I've observed my magpie girl when we've gotten to hang out. That her academic results, same=same. I just covered better, I think.

so my sister and my brother in law are looking into testing for my niece.
it's like, I'm over here Feeling All The Things about my own wasted opportunities but maybe? maybe Ainslee can be spared a lot of what I suffered through, all the shitty self-talk and self-blame.

so I'm feeling optimistic, and I have several courses of action laid out for me to follow, and that feels good.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I'm supposed to have a list of goals for the therapeutic process. I did write some of them down, and I'll add them either here or in my bullet journal once I have my head in order.

I was thinking earlier today about jobs I've held, and my favorite job. And why it was my favorite job, and I wanted to break it down a little, in hopes of reproducing the conditions someday. In part or in whole.

this is the job I held for eight years and a bit.
it's the reason why every smartphone I've ever owned had "librarianing" added to the spellchecker.
=)

I used to be a junior high school librarian.
I just wanna list the things that I loved about that job, because there's a lot of things I loved about it.
  • It had a regular daily schedule with rhythmic breaks in it.
  • ...but I got to choose my daily tasks, and when to do them.
  • High responsibility, low supervision, I got to determine when something was done.
  • some built in regular deadlines occurred weekly (overdue notices compiled and sent out)
  • some deadlines quarterly (grades for Library TA's), or at other calendar dates (budget deadlines, book ordering, etc)
  • Lots of time with people, specific agenda of helping people (students and staff both)
  • lots of time alone to do one on one tasks (repair, budget work, tidying)
  • Teaching. computers, dewey decimal, how to process books for circulation, some basic book repair, how to circulate books, how to pull records for books that were overdue, how to research, how to use the card catalog, how to find books you wanted... so many teaching opportunities, all in small groups, and NO GRADING.
  • I could take pee breaks as needed. That's a fucking luxurious situation to consider after teaching full time in a public school. I swear to god you can't get five minutes to pee, because it takes you 3-5 minutes to just walk to the other end of the school where the faculty bathroom is, and god help you if you're on your period or have to poop. it's *exhale* inhumane. actually.
  • Professional development funding.
  • Networking with the other librarians in the school district on a monthly basis.
  • Training to be a union site rep and shop steward, learning the history of unions in the USA
  • generally speaking, high interest high novelty work, high number of positive social contacts with students and staff. Decent respect from peers and students. Increasing responsibility the longer I was in the position.


  • There's more of course. Some damn wonderful people really made the difference for me in that job. They got me through the first six months after my dad died, with challenging, interesting work, taking care of tweenagers, teaching and helping and finding and fixing, sorting and throwing out and organizing and tidying. Always something that needed doing. Always something that MATTERED that needed doing.

    It's still MY library. In my heart it's still mine.
    I miss it. Actually.

    so I mean I want another job with some more of what that job had, without the soul deadening paperwork and jumping through hoops that teaching in the public school required.

    And really I want more of that in my life. I've been trying to find that, build that myself, but it's just been so crazy challenging on my own. I miss the community, the sense of rightness and purpose, the ability to HELP SO MUCH AND SO OFTEN SO MANY PEOPLE. I was proud of my work there. It was crazy and sometimes boring and wonderful and the kids were always so amazing and my co workers were always weird, wonderful, dedicated, amazing.

    Okay.
    Okay.

    I have more on this but this is a good starting place.
    I'll go make myself some dinner and dig into my homework reading pretty hard once I've eaten, take some notes to be ready for tomorrow.
labelleizzy: (Default)
I have actually got so many. All the books by SARK to help liberate and engage creative energy and shut up the Critic. Sarah ban Breathnach whose book of daily meditations helped me be okay with struggling and being imperfect, gave me ideas on how to think about different aspects of my life. Oriah Mountain Dreamer (who's on Facebook) and whose The Invitation helped give me the courage to end a bad relationship and to live for myself, make my own true soul's choices. I read it after being hospitalized for a serious illness and it really did change the course of my life. The Flylady whose website and mailing list has helped me build routines to get out of the chaos my brain has built-up. Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui which was also very helpful on clutter and choices and how to let go of what I didn't want but thought I had to keep.

I know my issues aren't the same as your issues, so keep any recs that sound interesting and toss the rest. And thank you for asking, I'm keeping this list to share with my therapist.
labelleizzy: (Default)
well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)

okay.

gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Pro tip: if you are going to go out into the world purposefully looking to get in a physical altercation, make sure you really know how to fight, first, unless you just want to be badly injured.
Righteousness won't save you like knowing how to keep your guard up, and block or take a strike.

Second pro tip: pick your battles. Think effective, long term strategy, not just reacting like a mindless animal and accomplishing nothing much except for getting an arrest record. What is your end game? What effect will this ultimately have on the world? What will actually help accomplish your goals, rather than just temporarily making you feel less helpless and more vindicated?

Learning to fight takes years of hard work, though.
So does learning how to effectively change the world, and then putting in all the effort to really do so.

Prey animals react.
Apex predators? They practice, they learn, they plan, they think.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Just had a massage focused on my hand/arm that's still healing up from our NYE car wreck. She started at my neck, chiseled some out of my shoulders and pectorals, went down my right arm and my biceps/triceps, the muscles that wrap around the elbow, the stuff in between the long radius and ulna, stretched the right places in my hand and wrist, gods bless her. Did a little under my shoulder blades which also helped.
So much better.
Now I want to have a day doing physical things.
labelleizzy: (Scotty)
Today's my little brother's​ deathaversary.
Mom called me a couple of minutes ago. I hadn't truthfully been thinking about it, or him, today...
I have such a good life now. This makes the ... No... TENTH anniversary. Shit. Shit.

I loved him but it feels like I barely knew him.
I don't know what to do with this right now, now it's brought to the surface. I'mma go be productive.
labelleizzy: (Default)
It’s 2 am. I’m up way past my bedtime because of reasons, namely that my brain won’t shut up and I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD and I don’t know what to do about it. Feels like I’ve been breaking any good things in my life, my whole life.
Only thing to give me peace tonight (this morning) is realizing that I am allowed to ask for help. I have two or three points of contact who may prove helpful. My therapist is one.
Depression sucks. ADHD sucks. Unemployment sucks. I have really good things in my life and I know it, intellectually, but I can’t keep them in focus right now.
I’m going to ask for help. Because I said I would.
This post is how I’m gonna keep myself accountable. Xposting to dreamwidth.
If you struggle with depression, ADHD, lack of purpose, lack of self worth, I’d like to hear from you.

adhd actually adhd depression low self worth low self confidence bad night help request because i said i would accountability gdi brain of course that's a tag
5 notes
Apr 9th, 2017

Goodbye LJ

Apr. 6th, 2017 10:47 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
Fuckity hell, I'm going to miss livejournal. So many good memories, conversations. Lj Idol. Fanfiction​ and icon communities.

And I just learned so much about myself, because instead of writing only for myself, I had an audience for the first time. People who read what I had to say, responded, gave advice and comfort. People who became friends though we've never met face to face. People who made me think, cry, empathize.

Not happy about it but I know I'll delete my LJ eventually. For now I've locked down my previously public posts and I'll see what happens next.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Something I might actually say to some people:

"I know that you had a range of possible choices about how to react in this situation. I'm not sure I understand why you felt it necessary to react in the way you chose to. Nor am I sure about what the end result is you want after your declared choices."

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