labelleizzy: (networking)
Hi there.

This is where you should comment if you know me IRL or perhaps have met me via a community here on LJ.
I'm not averse to having new Friends, and you are welcome to add my journal. Usually I will read some of your journal first before deciding whether to add your journal to my filters.

A few posts are public so people can see if they like my writing.

(June 11, 2007)
(Edit October 10, 2009)
labelleizzy: (Default)
Physical Therapy feels like it's going slow, but still, I can do a lot of stuff I haven't been able to.
Grip strength of the right hand isn't great, but it's mostly reliable and seems to be improving. *shrug*

One cool thing that I hope is actually progress: (background) I have a habit of cracking my knuckles and tugging on my fingers. (Mom says we have a family history of arthritis in the knuckles ugh)
The hand that's healing has been staying swollen for a lot of the day. Today I got in the hot tub and soaked hand and body awhile. The swelling went down and has pretty much stayed down.

Just now I was thinking about seeing the chiropractor, and wondering if he can adjust fingers. I think I remember him doing it. And I have had a swollen painful root-joint of the thumb pretty much this whole time.

So I tugged on the thumb a bit, had a bit of bright pain, but now I can touch my thumb across to my pinky, and the whole thumb-wrist part hurts less. I think I might have encouraged a tendon to move over just a bit, to go back to where it normally belongs! (*fingers crossed*)

Before I forget I'm going to take some more acetaminophen (I do miss ibuprofen but it clashes with one of my other meds) and hope to keep the swelling down.

The rest of my life is okay, and we have a houseguest this weekend, so I must dash!
labelleizzy: (Default)
I was feeling insecure and low about the new person I've started seeing.
Was like, IDK when I'm going to get to see her, what if she doesn't want to anymore, the insecurity brainweasels just set up shop and were gonna settle in for the long haul

and then I thought of how I would describe the situation to y'all.

and the truth is, she's a single mom with shared custody,
she's a full time student,
she's seeing other people, not just me,
and she just had some important scary family medical stuff go down.

and I went, "duh. Of course she doesn't have time JUST RIGHT NOW."

and like, I allowed myself to relax and to, like, go live my own life. Cos she's got to live hers.

I'm allowed to WANT things, but nobody's obligated to totally rearrange their life so that I get them.

...I should maybe figure out how the hell to tell someone I want to see more of them without scaring them.

#lifegoals #isuppose

anyway.

just wanted to say thanks Blogiverse for a way out of my own head.

*mwah*
labelleizzy: (Default)
Thinking today about my oldest, meanest, most tenacious brainweasels. Wondering if I can none to name them, shame them, give them more productive jobs.

One might be called, "you're better off alone, you can't depend on them anyway" and another said "shouldn't bother them, you'll only be inconvenient or worse offend them." Another said, "you can't do it right why bother".

There are more, but I wanna just think about those three for a minute, breathe into the pain those names cause, pain and regret and missed opportunities.

Feel free to share about your own brainweasels. Pretty sure they attack in droves.
labelleizzy: (hands)
Physical therapy appointment today for my hand. It's been a bit clawlike since I got the cast off two weeks ago. No grip strength, well, grip strength coming back slowly.

Orthopedic doc and x-rays yesterday, stuff looked good, I got the referral for today's appointment.

The PT was tall and skinny-strong, and we had a good talk about how to take proper care of my hand. I've got a series of stretches and strengthening exercises to do, and flexibility work. I'm sore in different ways now than I was this morning, and hope for some great progress pretty fast. I've already got a noticeable difference after icing my hand three times and running several sets of these exercises.

Oh, and the annual pagan convention is tomorrow and over the weekend, so there's some fun stuff to look forward to!
labelleizzy: (dealing with demons)
today my friend Jade_Falcon let me know that our mutual friend was thinking about killing herself

he said i don't know what to do
I thought i don't know what the fuck to do either
he said I'm twisting her arm to talk to you
I was scared to do it but more scared not to.

she did talk to me
I talked kind of a lot
told her about my own crisis and my own pain
reflected what I understood about hers
and told her I love her
several times.

the most fucked up part is that she's so broke that a giant part of her motivation to off herself was so her kids would go into foster care and out of the essentially slave-labor living situation she's in right now, and that maybe they would have a chance to be happy.

I'm not broke and in a bit of poetic justice, the person who she's living with (and working, unpaid, for) owed me money and actually, shocker, PAID it. I set it aside as a "get out of hell fund" for her, and that made the difference.

so now she's got enough distance from the situation, to see that her newly-ex, ex, really has been a gold plated turd. He just messaged all their mutual friends to tell them she was like psychotic and making things up. Like within a couple of hours of breaking up with her, this is what he does.

I'm feeling a bit wrung out right now, and I'll be off the internet for a couple hours, but I'm really proud of myself and of HER. the pile of shit she's digging out from under is really unbelievable and I'm not surprised she thought she was drowning.

I hope that our life preserver will hold long enough that she either finds a good boat or some dry land.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Hi folks,

Remember to change your passwords occasionally.

it just occurred to me HOW LONG I'd kept the password the same here and in other social media sites.

...
yeah.

time to change all the things and make everything just that one little bit more secure.

A gift...

Feb. 14th, 2017 05:47 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
i know you
not your body
far away and stranger
but your soul of kindness
injuries never mistaken
for weakness
bend, my lady,
but you will never break

By Marci B


... She said she writes "crappy love poems" for Valentine's day for whoever asks for them.

This is... The opposite of crap.
This is the kind of thing I want to do up in calligraphy and hang on my wall to see every morning when I wake up.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Still healing up from the broken bones in my hand. The tracking of the healing isn't... addictive, exactly, except where it is. =)

Got the cast off a week ago tomorrow, week 4 1/2 since the breaks. From Wednesday to Thursday, my hand was unusable, horrifically swollen. Suddenly moving one of my fingers, or my thumb, felt like it does when you stub your toe. It didn't last, fortunately, just a flash of pain. It took two full days of ice packs and paracetamol and gentlest of wiggling to start getting any mobility, by Saturday I had convinced my thumb to just barely touch my forefinger. I could almost hold a piece of paper.

I had resigned myself to two weeks or more with sausage fingers as the swelling slowly reduced itself, but on Monday had a visit from my genius massage therapist and bodyworker, Nadine. She's the reason why I'm typing two handed, with only slight discomfort, tonight, Tuesday night. She does various styles of massage but is particularly skilled at Bowen therapies, in my experience. She worked on trigger point releases for my muscles that must have worked on my lymphatic system...

Was sat in bed midafternoon, feeling blarghy something like 3 hours after she'd worked on me, paying attention particularly to my injured/healing arm that had been crazy hot and swollen, and it was still kind of fat and swollen. Thought to myself "Oh, lymphatic drainage, let's raise the arm up over my head against the wall, see if it helps some more" and within moments got that cool, slight pins-&-needles feeling of "oh, I've held my arm up in the air for ages" but then a feeling *inside my arm* of WATERFALL. It was so weird and so cool.

AND the hot swelling hasn't returned. I still have to gently stretch out the muscles and tendons to return to normal flexibility, gently flex and expand to wake the muscles back up again and get my strength and range of motion. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things) my life has given me plenty of opportunities to understand how to do physical therapy WELL.

Today I have been able to hold clothes, even to help pull my jeans up with the hand that's healing. I've opened and shut the car doors and more than once the doors in my house, with that hand. I was able to unload the dishes and hold/grasp certain items securely with the hand that's healing... narrow gauge cups, certain pieces of silverware. Fine motor control is lacking, though (couldn't drop the spoons with accuracy into their slot in the drawer) and I can't grip anything much wider than 3" securely as I have no strength yet in my pinky, and the pressure sensitive nerves in that finger (the one that broke in the car wreck) don't seem to be registering yet. I don't think it's damage, because I can feel scratches of my other hand's nail just as clear as ever, I suspect it's just the severe immobilizing from the cast and healing from the break that's making my pinky slow to recover.

I swear if I ever write a fighter character, or a big-bruiser character, breaking a finger, breaking a wrist, won't be a thing that gets written off in like two sentences. This shit is awkward, even if it's not painful (my definition of "painful" is fairly extreme, ask me about my hysterosalpingigram sometime, ... or maybe don't) and it's taken a ton of my meatspace CPU cycles to adapt to having one hand to use for five weeks, and my left (aka nondominant hand) to boot.

Also I'm going to be more forgiving of people's little imperfections: to wit: typos on the internet, and crooked parking in parking lots. Both of which I'm doing because I simply CAN'T, or because I've run out of either spoons or fucks. Example: like the apostrophe key (') that I have to stop, hit with my ring finger, because the pinky won't reliably hit it yet. However I *can* type with both hands and 9/10 fingers which is a lot easier in some ways than voice to text and swype, or straight up one handed typing on the keyboard.

eh.

Promised the cat I'd go to bed ten minutes ago. So I will. It's getting chilly here, February at midnight, and enough typing that I'm looking forward to the pain meds I'm allowed. Have overdone it a bit.
labelleizzy: (Default)
Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology for Scorpios this week suggests that it would be a good idea to think about the parts of one's past that it would be good to protect and to carry forward into the future.

Ten things I have learned that I would like to carry forward:

1) Brainweasels are liars, and usually are due to low blood sugar or loneliness. CF: The Desiderata.
2) I am stronger, much more competent, and a lot more lovable than I believe I am by default.
3) despite 2) I am just as prone to fuck up my communication as the next person, or to fuck up period.
4) It is possible to apologize for a lot of things. Nobody really likes doing it, nobody's great at it.
5) I deserve self-care.
6) I am allowed to ask for help with my self care, and people will often say yes. (thanks to Eeyore42 and Wrenb for teaching me that)
7) Enjoy what you have, share with others, don't feel guilty for having more. Help as often as you can.
8) Life is short. Enjoy it while you can, and tell people you love them if you do. Kiss their faces too.
9) Tenderness, kindness, and warmheartedness are underrated in the world. Value them, teach them.
10) Feed yourself. Feed your people in whatever ways you can. It makes everyone happy.

test post

Feb. 3rd, 2017 11:36 pm
labelleizzy: (Default)
crossposting test post from DW.
labelleizzy: (Default)
fingers crossed, if the x rays come back good i should get the cast off today!!
labelleizzy: (strong)
Today is a good day.
Today I feel strong and whole.
I wonder if I will ever get over feeling so lucky, so happy about getting myself here.

I could have stayed where my childhood left me, tied up in gender stereotypes and my feelings of inadequacy.
I could have been too afraid to risk the pain inherent in risk and change.

I didn't, and I wasn't.

And I am proud of myself for that.

I say that so infrequently that I wanted to record it, meaning to encourage myself to take pride in my accomplishments more frequently. I slide between being reluctant to ackowledge and outright bragging, the grey space in between is hard for me to find.
Sigh.
Subtlety, I can not haz. Oh well. Knowing yourself counts for something!

Learned the hard way that slow and steady, consistent work is the most important way to make lasting change in my life. (I do know that probably sounds obvious. I'm okay with that, I need to keep saying it to myself, regardless.)

I can do a lot of things now, after healing from injuries, and with long practice, that made me feel less-than broken/wrong, and weird as a child and teenager.

Back then I Made a lot of assumptions about what was normal, and I try not to blame myself for that. Learning that "normal" doesnt exist was actually really useful.

What are the important lessons you have learned about how the world works, and how you fit in to that?
labelleizzy: (Artists are Dangerous)
y’all I got like five hundred bookmarks over on the AO3 and it’s well past time I shared some of that goodness with y’all. I’ll start with the novel length, longfic (50,000 words at least) because damn there is some really good stuff out there.

  • A Pretty Boy with a Bird Tattoo: Kryptaria​ and rayvanfox Kinky, lovely, polyamourous version of Nat/Steve/Bucky, with OC family and bonus tattoos and piercings! Mmmmm.

  • All The Angels and The Saints by Speranza In which Steve Rogers loses God and finds God and loses God, and also: Bucky.

  • Is It Pretending If I Already Want You? by OhCaptainMyCaptain Fake Boyfriend AU where the best friend has been waiting for Steve to stop being so clueless for like a really long time.

  • 4 Minute Window series by Speranza, counteragent, monicawoe In which Bucky rescues STEVE. Both stories are complete, but the series is not.

  • Ain't No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) by spitandvinegar Defies easy encapsulation and description. Which is why I loved it. Splendid original characters, original plot, descriptions.

  • Meet-Cute AU's by 74daysFluffy Meet-cute series, with each scenario different. I was quite impressed with the variety.

  • This, You Protect by owlet. Adorably Grumpy Bucky Barnes as he ditches his programming post CA:TWS. First of the Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail series.

  • Circling Back by chaya Best kind of hurt/comfort, with donkey-kicks at the end of some chapters. Gosh this author is good at that.

    And 8 makes a list. Now I think I will go do a reread. <3
  • labelleizzy: (i dance)
    wow.
    this weekend I went with my friend Chelsea to a 3-day workshop for the dance form we both study in, called Open Floor, or Five Rhythms...
    it was such an amazing experience, that I still can't, partly don't want to, wrap words around it.
    the kind of time that feels like you'll break the spell if you try too hard to describe it, too precious to try to explain.

    Here's the KIND of weekend it was though: flirty fun floaty flowy.

    I danced and moved and explored and stretched and didn't take long breaks for the entirety of the session. Fri 7-10 pm, Sat 11-2 and 3-6, Sunday 2-7 with a break at 4:30-5.

    So call it thirteen hours of being carried along by the dance and the moving and the community and the exploration of what my physical self is capable of. Beautiful, ugly, silly, boring, all of it, range of motion, all the different moods and impulses that the music and our teachers encouraged to come out.

    Aside from emotional and self esteem shift-change-improvements, the physical improvements are tremendous.
    my shoulders feel totally liberated, I can move them n all kinds of directions, watch my collarbones be mobile (what??)
    and late on Saturday I had THE most painful kind of muscle cramp, in my low right abdominals, at first I was like, shit I overworked them but I dug my fingers into the muscle to try to support them (through the deep belly fat) while they cramped, breathed and hollered a little (I was actually sat down in the loo when this triggered, heh)

    but when the cramp finally released me and I was able to stand up again, there was this... only way to describe it, freedom, open space, liberation? in my belly and my hip and leg and belly and back were straighter, looser, more limber... I had a new rotation in that hip, as I discovered when we returned to the dance floor, a new violence was possible in my movements, explosive and HUGE.

    I need to move this some more, because it's immense and gorgeous, after seventeen years after the initial injury, this precious body has found strength and release and liberation.

    I wasn't larger than this body, or smaller than this body, but exactly body-sized; and everything was full of flow and amazement.

    I have a completely different belief about what I'm physically capable of now, and the crunchy painful fear and worry has softened and melted and released and ALLOWED.

    ...Right now, if you're reading this: for just a moment, roll your neck gently, move your shoulders around in circles, twist your torso, wiggle your hips, flex your feet. If like me, you tend to sit a lot, take a moment to check in with your body and love it with some movement.

    and that's what I have for now. Got a busy day today, looking forward to it.

    ugh.

    Dec. 28th, 2015 11:53 am
    labelleizzy: (write first edit later)
    hi everyone.
    I have been feeling some guilt over not visiting LJ properly in weeks and I have found that the best way to manage feeling guilty is to do so head on.
    Busy making pottery and holidaying, being social. Need to spend a little while getting caught up on what y'all have been up to.

    Completely bailed on [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol. Not gonna lie. Too much otherstuff going on in meatspace.

    y'all are loved and I wish you all the winter holiday blessings and all the good stuff in the new year.

    Be well, I'll be back in a bit.

    <3
    labelleizzy: (strong)
    This whole series is public, if you have any interest in fat folks getting more fit.

    One thing I'm realizing/have realized about recovery from the old ACL injury and the surgery ten years after the original injury, is the degree to which the body adapts to such an injury. Ive been working out hard since 2011, first doing prehab, then surgery Nov 1, 2011, then post surgical rehab.

    Old snarls and pains and general fucked upped ness persist for years. The injury persisted for years, it's just logical upon reflection, but i had some magical thinking going into the surgery four years ago... Not just about this, but about a number of things, regrettably.

    Any road, four plus years of work has already been paying off, in strength, flexibility, confidence, stress management, and a slow but gradual improvement for most of my physical concerns.

    Today, however, today was special. For context: Over the weekend i had an unwelcome sudden unexpected back spasm. Spasms like that have been really really uncommon since i started working out with trainers at the gym but used to happen ALL the time, both when i was injured and during my very sedentary, book lovin', inactive childhood. To repeat, since the knee surgery replaced the necessary ACL structure in my knee, i haven't been used to that kind of occurrence, not for around four years.

    Today my body felt... Different. Easier. Like, even on both sides of my hips. Like, both legs feeling the *same*. And the tailbone thats been bothering me, also feels eased. Flexibility is surprisingly good today, i could put my foot on the top rail of the stretch barre, and i could squat further without feeling the danger!pain in my knee, hip, or hamstring.

    I'm thinking now that maybe that brief back spasm might have been the last of the old adaptations, finally letting go now that the rest of my body has been strengthened and trained and appropriately balanced to do naturally what bodies are supposed to.

    (Hint: it ain't sitting on my ass reading and silent for hours every day as i did during my childhood.)

    *happy sigh* i love to move, now. It's a joyful thing.
    labelleizzy: (i dance)
    Tonight dance was wonderful. There was so much music i had never heard before, and a few familiar tunes... It's been two weeks since i got to dance and i missed it and my body missed it too. (Yes, we are the same thing, still i missed it twice.)

    The lesson tonight was about relationships: what are you drawn to, repelled by, what is difficult what is easy... I flashed on my brother dancing at his wedding... He was intentionally ridiculous, showing off. And on our childhood choreography and on things like high school dances where it always felt like everyone was watching (me, self conscious? Nahhh)

    Movement was performative. Softball games, basketball, i didn't find my way into moving joyously till after college when i started social dance and country dance... Just dancing for ourselves and because it was fun, no competition, and performance wasnt the primary goal at all...

    This realization seems important. And my body is much happier after 2 hours of loving movement. I'll bring this to my therapy appointment tomorrow.

    And i think i want to try to connect with the irish dance club on stanford, and try it out agsin. Claire played some AfroCelt Sound System tonight and my bodymind went NUTS. It was great and horrible. (More on this when i have access to a proper keyboard.)

    Edit: forgot to mention that this was the birthday celebration for November babies and i got to stand in the center and receive loving touch from my dance family. And Erin helped massage away my sinus headache. Yay!

    And there is one thing i have to talk to Claire about, it's an ongoing thing where another dancer keeps staring at me. (Boo) Uncomfortable and IDK how to manage the situation.
    labelleizzy: (write first edit later)
    gods help me, I'm signing up for the new mini-season of LJ idol, [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol.

    *\o/*

    go me!

    List

    Oct. 26th, 2015 07:09 pm
    labelleizzy: (brain dump)
    Made a list of qualities I think I possess, for this job application I want to put in before week's end.
    um it's hard to brag on myself. so I did like a handwritten word cloud first? because you can (or I can) trick yourself into just braindumping, and getting the stuff OUT.

    here's my list, in not very particular order:

    loyal
    open to change
    loving
    funny
    protector
    honest and open
    artistic
    calm
    feminist
    poet
    gardener & nature-lover
    bright & colorful
    Waldorf-trained educator
    good at de-escalating (defusing?) conflict (want a better word here)
    (and good at keeping my head and helping others stay calm in a crisis)
    heart centered
    encourager
    trivia hound
    cheerful
    good problem solver
    empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate
    strong
    healer/good listener
    hopeful
    enthusiastic
    generous
    storyteller
    social justice warrior
    energy worker
    creative
    writer/good at expressing ideas/persuasive (? I don't know, am I persuasive?)
    break down concepts and make them accessible, tailoring to the student
    activist
    helpful
    lovable/likable
    teacher/cat herder
    likes to organize,
    likes to create/synthesize art from disparate sources


    if you have any other words or descriptions that suit me that I haven't included here, I'd be obliged to you for sharing your insight.
    =)

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